I need some advice from a woman's perspective.

[Justme1607307086]

I dont really know what to do anymore. First I will give a little background. We are both in out late 20's and have been married for about 6 years and together for about 8. We have two children and we both have very good jobs, two cars, a big house, and everything we need to be comfortable.

 

Now the problem, When we where first together it was amazing we where in bliss, we talked alot, had lots of fun and the lovemaking was often, exciting, and many times experimental. for the past 5 years or so my wife has had no interest in sex. Sometimes I feel like maybe it is me and I want to much sex but to be honest it really isn't that. Love making for us happens maybe once a week but usually once every 2 weeks and I always have to hint or ask for it. When we do make love it is usually quick with no foreplay or anything leading up to it. THis is not my fault because because I want to spend an hour or two making love where as she is usually just wanting to hurry.

 

So naturally this tends to make me think something is wrong with me. Like maybe I dont turn her on anymore. We have talked about it and she insists it isn't me that it is her and she just wants to have time for herself sometimes. I totally understand this and that is fine but I dont understand why she cant set aside some time for us. She is very busy, She works full time, goes to school on the internet in the evenings and we do have two kids. However, most of the time it is me taking care of the kids. I am the one who feeds the kids, gives them baths, puts them to bed, and plays with them while she does school on her computer. I try to be a good husband, I also keep up the house, I randomly will send her flowers at work, I constantly tell her how beautiful and smart she is. I do this all because I know that going to work and school is very hard and she needs help. But the school issue is just recent.

 

So I have tried lots of things to try and re-spark her desire as it seems she has none for me. I have tried talking to her about my feelings but she gets a little defensive about it and says it is because of work or the kids, I have tried changing myself a bit different colognes, clothing, working out etc.. I have tried being a little spontaneous but we have the kids in the house so it is hard to sneak off. the only time we usually make love is when everything has been done for the day it is late and we are tired. But it is the only time I can get the time of day. I'm not really sure what I can do anymore.

 

The lack of desire for me has honestly made me a bit jealous. I hate that! but I just get this gut feeling that it is me that she is bored with. Even though I know she still loves me and I am pretty sure she is faithful I still get the feeling. We both have federal jobs and we move every 3-4 years so she probably isn't seeing someone else. Plus she is still very interested in cuddling and watching a movie or cuddling at bed time. I am at a loss and want to know what can I do so she has desire again. It isn't just the sex, It is a part of it but also there is my self confidence and the feeling of being needed if that makes any sense.

 

Sorry for such a long post and thanks for reading..

[sprkal]

Ok, maybe she just isnt feeling like sex, maybe she is feeling bored and stressed and all those other things that make you just not want sex...maybe she wants to be made love to . Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. I would suggest dropping the whole idea of sex for a few weeks, even a month if you can stand it. Don't have sex, or hint at wanting it or anything unless she initiates it.

 

Instead, channel all your energy into loving her, be romantic, be spontaneous, be cuddly, be warm, be there for her, without being sexual. Buy her flowers, do silly little things to show that you care for and love her. Have dinner together, hold hands, tell her how much she means to you. Dont just say 'I love you', find other ways of saying it. Romance may be exactly what she needs to light the spark again...just remember, dont even think about sex whilst you are doing all of these things, you dont want her to think you are doing it just so that you can get her to have sex again. Be genuine. Win her desire back.

 

Good luck,

[Justme1607307086]

See this is where it gets confusing for me. Because, flowers, cuddling, holding hands. THese are all things I and we do on a regular basis. I have refrained from any sexual contact before thinking the same thing as you mentioned but after a month I gave in It isn't really the sex itself I crave more than the idea of making love. THe idea that she wants me or needs me. like I said When I try to "make love" it always turns out to be more quick because she hurries it along, because she is tired, or the has to work tomorrow, or all those stressful type of things.

 

I think one of the problems is that I came from a very loving family. Where she came from a mildly abusive family that didn't really show emotion towards each-other. I am getting so frustrated because I know she loves me but it almost seems as if she loves me platonically instead of intimately, its hard to explain.

 

She tends to be a perfectionist when it comes to work and the people she is surrounded by at work and I think this stresses her out even though she doesn't realize it. I told her many times that she doesn't have to be perfect but she still takes on extra workloads and cant say NO. THis makes it hard on me because bad and stressful days at work tend to come home with her and taken out on me. SHe knows this and has apologized countless times, but it still happens. I have seriously considered going to some sort or stress counselor or relationship counselor together but when I mentioned that she had told me "we dont need that, it is only for people with problems". She is a very proud person and doesn't like to show weakness especially around people she knows so there is no way that is going to happen.

[lisaria]

Hi Justme,

You and your wife sound like me and my ex-husband. Have you thought about some type of counselling? Perhaps if my ex and I had done that we would still be together. Or as you say, she won't go, then you go alone. Do it for your own peace of mind.

It sounds to me like you guys have too much on your plates (as my mama would say) and you two need to slow down some. Let me tell you that when you are really tired and you do all of these other things that the sex with your mate simply becomes one more chore that you "have" to do so your hubby's feelings won't be hurt and because it's just easier than putting up with the wounded feelings. That means it is not something you look forward to and it is not something you really want to do.

Do you guys do things together? Go out to dinner with just the two of you? I know you said you hold hands and send flowers and all that stuff but when sex is an issue it feels like all of the niceties are simply the means to an end and not something you do just because. She may feel like evertime you hold her hand or kiss her it all boils down to you wanting sex, even if that is not what you mean. And no matter what you say or how many times you deny it if she knows she is not fulfilling you in that way then it is ALL about sex. You know, the elephant in the living room that no one talks about.

See if you can get her to open up to you about it. Find out how she really feels and thinks. I wish I could tell you how to fix this, because I know how big of a problem it is, but it's different with everyone and every relationship. Good luck.

lisaria

[jaiva]

If you try to give her more time she might come around to being intimate with you again.

 

If and when you feel you've waited long enough you can send the kids to grandma's (or whatever you substitute is) and make it a romantic evening. Make or order a lovely dinner for your wife, bathe her, massage her as you oil her body and make her feel special.

 

[-X Don't pressure her into having sex just make her feel special and make her feel needed and I believe that she'll come around to being intimate.

Jaiva