Did she cheat?

[misfit_mafioso]

alright this is a very complicated situation, but i need ure advice cuz im confused myself.first let me give u the background on the situation.

 

i have been with my gf for almost 5 years. we've had a lot of drama, lots of good times, and a couple of very short break ups, but we has both done things with other people during these break ups. when she went to job corps a couple years ago, there was this guy named bobby. she had some kind of crush on him, but didnt cheat on me while we were together and i dont have even evidence to believe that.but whenever we broke up, even for a couple days(or even a day sometimes), she would often hook up w/ this guy, who acted really corny and wanted to be with her, but she wouldn't because he probably will never go anywhere w/ his life and he had a girl he cheated on.

 

well a little over a year ago, she got a place in edmonds after we had trouble living together, but we stayed together. she had a roommate, and at the time i was staying w/ my parents, but i would stay the night there most of the time so it was almost like my second place. we had a big fight, over something(dont remember what)and we basically broke up. i went home to my house that night. and a little bit later she came and begged me to come to her place and talk to her.i didn't want to but finally i did.

 

 

when we got over to her place, things got worse.we started fighting and i told her to just let me go to sleep. i said "just let me sleep. i can even believe that i came over here." and i went to sleep. in the morning, she took me to work and as we walked through the living room, i saw someone sleeping on the couch, covered up. i asked who it was and she said it was one of her roommates friends.i went to work and after work i went to her house and we made up and things were cool.

 

last night, me and my gf were talking about sexy stuff we had done with other people, and she started to talk about that night. i found out that while i was sleeping she went and called bobby and picked him up. she brought him back to her apartment and had sex with him in the bathroom, which is connected to the bedroom i was sleeping in.in the morning, the mysterious person under the blanket on the couch was really him.after she dropped me off she came home and had sex with him again, then took him home.

 

she claims this isnt cheating cuz we were "broke up" and she would never cheat on me when we were together. i would care if we were really broke up, as i have hooked up w/ people the day after we broke up in the past. but can i really trust her? we are ld currently right now, but have been making big plans and i need your advice

[surlygurl]

... I'm feeling rather nautious!

 

 

 

Oh my dear, where to begin?

 

Is all this effort really worth this? What are you getting out of all this drama? An emmy award? I don't THINK so.

 

You want to know if what she did was technically "cheating"? Well, it is, if YOU think so. If she doesn't think so, then I guess it isn't, that is, if you have unofficially signed over all your sense of dignity, sanity, and reason to this ... err... high-class 'lady'-friend you have elevated to the level of "girlfriend".

 

The truth is that it does not matter what she thinks about the situation, whether or not it was cheating because the two of you weren't officially together.

 

Here's a list of what is clear:

 

1.) You need to figure out a bigger picture, not just look at this insane relationship, but back up several steps and look at yourself. Is this how you imagine a great girl would treat you?

 

2.) Not to get all Dr. Phil on you, but there are some obvious self-esteem issues here. Why are you with a woman who "hooks up" with guys for flings? You think that's responsible and sexy? That's not sexy, that's just disgusting. Do you lower your expectations because you prefer that type? Then in that case, deal with the consequences of Drama (with a capital "d"). If you decide you don't really want this type of woman in the end, then don't be that type of a man. What type of a woman "hooks up" with a guy who's got a girl anyway? I know the answer to that, but you've got to think about it for yourself.

 

3.) You bought yourself a cheap rhinestone, that's lost it's sparkle, now you want it to shine like a diamond. As far as this relationship is concerned, toss the cheap imitation, and save up for the real thing.

 

You need to take some time out for yourself and think about your priorities in life --- not just what you want out of a relationship, but who you are, who you want to be, how you will get there, and how you determine your own self-worth. Are your goals big enough? Are your plans thought out yet? Do you know what it means to build and have integrity, and to safe-guard your integrity? I don't recommend living with someone unless you are married. that might sound insanely old-fashioned, but check this: Most couples who live together ended up having the worse break-ups. Even those who get married have a far greater chance of getting a divorce!

 

I hope that sheds some light on your situation.

 

God bless!

[wishin2gofishin]

Hey man, just wondering how long the two of you had been dating. Are you married or just dating? From what I have read so far, I would say it isn't cheating, but if it hurts you man, you need to talk to this girl and tell her how you feel. If you don't want her to hook it up with other men while you two are broken up, tell her how you feel about that. From what you've said, you seem to like and fantasize about things like that, but just from the situation, yes I do think the two of you were technically broken up. I personally would let the past be the past, and move toward a better future. If you have put a lot of work into this relationship, don't let a bump in the road steer your car off the road.

[surlygurl]

Mafioso,

 

Listen to your elders:

 

I know wayyyy to many guys who've gotten divorced from chicks that couldn't stay committed while they were dating, and I know too many people who've contracted serious sexually transmitted diseases (and 2 heterosexuals who've died from aids). I've got 10 years on the guy from Maine who just posted the previous response, and let me tell you, I've seen a lot of people mess up their lives in those 10 years.

 

Even if you weren't together, you had some type of relationship. Don't you respect your friends? Is that too altruistic to expect? Well, maybe for some people's standards, not mine. The girl disrespected you in a bane, gross way, it doesn't matter if she cheated or not. You sound whipped, and I mean that in a bad way, and over a girl who just sounds not worth it.

[wishin2gofishin]

You are getting a little too worked up. All he asked was do we think it's cheating or not, and you are going off about all this other stuff, and probably unwanted advice and opininos. Give advice when asked for, don't tell the guy what to do. thanks

[hurtabandoned]

This is most definitely cheating. If you are sleeping over at her place you are not broke up. A cooling off break is different from an end of the relationship break. It sounds like she is using these fights and separation periods as an excuse. It may be possible that she is even instigating an argument that will cause a brief separation so she can do what she wants.

 

That is not a mature way to handle difficulties in a relationship. Either the relationship is over or it is not. Hooking up with other people immediately after a "break-up" says alot about the relationship and their true feelings for the other person. While separated it is a good idea to take some time to cool off so that a mistake is not made that will hurt the other person.

 

I was separated from my ex husband for 10 months before I was with someone else. During those months we tried to work things out. Niether of us slept around during that period of time. It was just understood that we were having problems but it was not over. When we both knew that it was over it was time to find other people.

 

I think that before any future plans are made the two of you ned to talk about what you expect from one another. You both need to come to an agreement as to how a separation or break-up is handled. And if you don't want her doing it then you shouldn't be doing it either.

 

People that love each other and are committed to each other don't act that way.

[surlygurl]

Wishin2GOFishin: It's an opinion forum. I gave my opinion, I can't tell him what to do. He's got a mind of his own to make that decision.

Hey, it's OK for you to tell me what to do and what not to do, apparently?

You need to go fishin' and chill. Maybe leap in the water! Oh, and by the way, this isn't even ABOUT you. So chill out, get over yourself, or make post it somewhere else.

 

As for my friend with the original post: I still say this girl is old cheese. If you want to know if she's "cheating", it's probably because it's bothering you so much you had to ask someone what they thought about it. I'm tellin' you, it's bothering you for the right reason. Listen to your conscience.

[wishin2gofishin]

Wishin2GOFishin: It's an opinion forum. I gave my opinion, I can't tell him what to do. He's got a mind of his own to make that decision.

Hey, it's OK for you to tell me what to do and what not to do, apparently?

You need to go fishin' and chill. Maybe leap in the water! Oh, and by the way, this isn't even ABOUT you. So chill out, get over yourself, or make post it somewhere else.

 

As for my friend with the original post: I still say this girl is old cheese. If you want to know if she's "cheating", it's probably because it's bothering you so much you had to ask someone what they thought about it. I'm tellin' you, it's bothering you for the right reason. Listen to your conscience.

 

you're an idoit

[Val_76]

All I can say to you is that you should really reevaluate your views on a relationship.

 

First thing, if she told you about this its because she doesn't respect you and know you are too weak to let her go because of that. Then her values are way offline. If I had considered every fight I had with my wife a break up then I will be breaking up about once a month or so, and if that opened the opportunity to have an affair for both of us my house would be a bordel and my kids would call every guy they see daddy... anyway you see the point.

 

The second thing is that she is most surely cheating on you with this guy and whoever she might be interested on. Why do I say that? well you had a fight and the same night she call him (meaning she have his phone number handy), she go get him at his place (meaning she knows wher he stays and he's jumping at her call), they make love in the bathroom (meaning he knows you're here and he doesn't care), she lie to you about who is on the couch (she have no respect for you, she lied and she will lie again) she come back to her place and make love to him again (euh where you back together at that time?). Now she tells you the whole story and don't even think its wrong (it means she have no respect for you whatsoever).

 

Sooooo, you go on a fight she call her f***kfriend to come over even if you're around, they make love under your nose and then she lie to you about it. Can you imagine what goes behind your back? Can you think about all the things you don't know about? You now want to build a future with her. You ask yourself if what you did is cheating or not. I would ask myself what kind of lies she put on me those past 3 years if I were you and dump her in the worst possible way. Chances are that we will be making out with her buddy the exact same night of your break up.

 

Your story is scary in a way because it shows how some people can play with other people feelings. Of course if you don't care and are a player too and take any chances you get to sleep around then its the best relationship you could get because she's doing that too.

 

Are you that kind of guy?