This is a toughie...

[lashleya1213]

I've been having some trust issues...My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now...Since highschool, And then we were bad to eachother, and cheated, lied, etc. We came to a point last summer where we decided to be together forever, and it was all or nothing no lies, forgive and forget, You get the picture. Things have gone great the whole year. But I have had a few small problems trusting him. At the beginning of the summer, I moved back home to work, Its only an hour and a half away from him, but every time we see eachother...The following few days or so is filled with thoughts of him thinking about other girls...This is weird. I'm always flooded with little images of him with his friends talking about other girls...looking at other girls...but not cheating. Like Porn for example...It bugs me so bad, and I'll never be okay with my boyfriend looking at it. I think its so disgusting and it makes me feel horrible. Every time I tell him what I'm thinking, he gets angry and doesn't talk about anything. Its making me insecure, and I don't know how to get him to talk about whats on his mind the way that I do... I know he wouldn't cheat on me...Its just these little things that bug the hell out of me. This is going way to far, and I'm feeling anxious a lot of the time...Its really late right now, and I can't sleep because I just came back home today...And I know he's out with his friends...I just can't help but wonder whats going on...This is horrible! How can I make these stupid incinuations stop!?

[surlygurl]

JHS

 

let me tell you, you ARE beautiful, for being so humble and sweet and forgiving. Don't change... EVER! However, forgiving doesn't mean that you shouldn't move on. Actually, in this case, you do need to move on.

 

Let's me help put this into perspective with you (I know you're hurting so I'll try to give you a little levity):

 

If you ran someone's turtle over with your car, would you apologize and back over it again to make up for the first time? No? Of course not!

 

So, why then is your boyfriend making you pay for having cheated and lied and broken your trust? You have forgiven him, the proof is that he is back in your life and spending time with you. But it is HIS job to do whatever he can to help you to RE-build trust in him and the relationship. That's not even your job! You're doing your part as it is, don't you see? This guy is a lazy slob in this relationship and is taking you for granted.

 

(Oh, by the way, you're the "turtle" and your boyfriend is backing over on you. Ouch!)

 

You are right, we are called to forgive, but you've been hurt by him, and if he wants you back he has to earn your trust. That's not punishment, that's the reality of life when you break someone's heart and want them back.

 

What can he do to earn your trust? Well, did he tell you why he "cheated"? Is there ever a good reason? Did he tell you why he lied? Best of all, did he tell you, in lengthy terms, why he knows you are the only one for him and that he would never cheat on you again? Do you have terms of what you each would do if one of you decides to move on? Perhaps he hasn't worked too hard at this second chance (or 3rd?) because he wants to control your mind; have you 'cause he knows he's got something good and still do his thing when he's with the boys on the side. What types of places does he go to when he's with his guy friends? Does he go to clubs. 'Cause, honey, if he's going to night clubs without you, no matter what the excuse, he's not ready. Don't even try to discuss it.

 

I'd ask him this, "What about you has changed that makes you know you would never cheat again?" Don't let him say it has ANYTHING to do with you. You know why? Cheaters don't cheat because of someone else, they cheat because THEY themselves decide to do it. They don't cheat because the other person was sooo attractive, or because they were mad at you, even. Cheaters cheat because they don't have the moral conscience to say to themselves, "I might feel this way, but I care about the person I am committed to, I care about my integrity of being an honest person, and I care about our relationship, no matter what ends up happening (whether or not we are to be married someday)." Committment is giving up of oneself to be a part of something bigger. Cheaters don't think about giving up something of themselves for something bigger, they just take and lie about it and make you feel to blame.

[lashleya1213]

Thanks for your reply- Its just that this is so much more complicated than it may seem. We have grown up together, and our relationship gets stronger every day (And every time I can actually talk out a problem we have). I know I want to spend my life with him, and he tells me all the time that he wants the same. I have had the same advice given to me about how he may be controlling, and how he doesn't have a good listening ear. His dad is the same way- I hate it! He says its because he is a guy. We talk numerous times each day, and there is no reason for me to accuse him of cheating on me. I just think about things that probably aren't even happening, and it gets me down. I can't wait to talk to him today to ask the questions you said to ask, like why he cheated on me in the first place. See, I cheated on him too back when we were young and immature, and now I am a completely different person. He's never asked about the past, and doesn't seem to worry at all like me. If he were to ask me why I cheated on him...I don't know what I would say...Maybe that I was just young and hadn't ever been with anyone else- Temptation was something that I gave in to easily...It wasn't even that I just think I had a lot of self-esteem issues, and when other guys showed intrest, I thought that was good. Who knows. I just want to get our past out of the present...And Live for the future. Its very helpful that you added what questions to ask- Its hard for me to put my feelings in words I feel he'll understand without getting mad. I'm just rambling on now, but if there's anything else you could say to help- I'm all ears. Thanks Again- PS, He doesn't go to nightclubs, He rarely goes to the bar and rarely drinks...