Losing Friends?

[SethSLC]

Maybe this isn't the right forum but I figure this is where I post so might as well ask here...

 

Summary:

 

Ex Fiancee of 5.5 years and I split 2+ months ago. When she moved out here 4 years ago she had no friends. My friends became her friends, and 1 of my best friends fell in love with her and proceeded to try and take her away. My other best friend moved back into town a year later and was still friends with him, and she became close friends with his wife. This ended up keeping him in my life to some extent. Fast forward and she leaves, and 2 weeks later is with my ex best friend (she claims he was the "catalyst" for the breakup).

 

Question:

 

Is it justified to tell your close friends that you do not wish for her or your ex best friend to be in your life. That you don't wish to associate with people who keep either of them in their lives. To me it feels like it's a sign of disrespect for me as a person and for the friendship they have with me if they keep them around knowing what they did.

[JohnTheMan]

They might feel its not fair, but its about your boundries. Remember, you cannot control other people. You only set boundries or terms of a relationship and see if there met.

 

Maybe you want to sit on this one. I'd be a little pissed at my friends and wondering about their loyalty if this happened to me. But its also not easy for them. Perhaps, taking some time to yourself and distancing from everything will help you find the right choice for you. I know that if you were like me though, you'd want to be as far from your ex friend and ex as possible. If a friend of mine slept with my EX we wouldn't be friends anymore. Its just the way things work.

 

The second a friend doesn't respect you, they are no longer a friend. But like I said, take time with this one. You don't want to lose all your friends when you need them most. I've been down that road from a breakup, but still had a couple ones on my side. They helped keep me alive.

 

Lastly, when wrong is done. Time re-orders things. Call it karma. Hold your head up high. Work on yourself. Your friends will ultimately cast the judgement of moral character on your EX friends actions.

[SethSLC]

I am trying. My counselor said that I need to advocate for myself. That as long as I'm doing it for the right reasons, then it's okay. I don't feel like I'm doing it for revenge, or to hurt anyone. Hell, the one getting the most hurt is me, losing my closest friend and all that. But again to me its a respect thing...if anyone had done that to them I would have made damn sure they were eating through a straw, let alone I wouldn't be friends with those people.

 

To still be friends with someone who can do that to your best friend says you don't respect me as a person or the friendship we have. So I choose not to have those kind of people in my life...god this freaking sucks...

[uncomfynumb]

I'm with the other posters who said to hold out because you are angry. And I'm going to post something that you may not appreciate but they are my own feelings about such situations.

 

If you loved or love your ex and best friend, would you want them to be happy? People can't always control feelings and emotions but they can control their behavior and this is what you are mad about right now.

 

Anyway, your friends did you a favor. Thank them for it.

[SethSLC]

I'm not angry though that's the thing. I simply look at it this way:

 

Would someone who is truly your friend still be friends with people that did that to you? If my ex best friend had done that to my current best friend we would not be friends, nor would I let it slide.

 

You have your ex-best friend Jay who tried to get your girlfriend drunk when they were watching a movie so he could sleep with her. Then proceeds to profess his love for her for weeks and to beg her to leave me. You have your other best friend who is best friends with Jay as well, who says it was none of his business, but isn't it a friends business when your friend gets hurt? He ends up keeping Jay in his life and so over the course of 3 years he is by extent in my life as well thus leading to the current situation where Jay and my Ex start messaging and Jay becomes her "Catalyst" for the breakup, only to hook up with him 2 weeks after the breakup.

 

If someone had done that to a friend of yours wouldn't that person stop becoming a friend? What kind of friend would do that anyways? For me personally if anyone, friend or family, had done that to a friend / best friend of mine I would not keep that person in my life. If you do keep them in your life then what does that say about what you think of your friendship?

 

For me personally, it says there is little respect for the friendship. It isn't out of anger that I am doing this, it's all about respect. I want people in my life who will respect me as a friend, and love me as a friend, enough to not let that sort of thing slide.

 

Believe me it kills me to feel the need to do this, but in the end I tried the other path once and look where it ended up. I choose to keep people in my life who will love me and respect me.

[JohnTheMan]

you may not be angry, but you are definitely emotional about the situation.

 

you don't have to make a decision in the next 10 minutes, or 6 hours, or tomorrrow, or month, or ever.

 

if you don't feel like being around your other friend then don't. you need space. thats fine and can be understould. your post sounds like something i might have posted in the past. i think what defines us as men later is how we react to emotions.

 

don't come off as the guy who has to point out he is not friends with "them" anymore.

 

sit on it. and meanwhile, make new friends, shift the energy to self improvement. new goals. so on.