NC Day 21 - This Hurts

[abnyc]

So I had to end it 3 weeks ago. He was still evading meeting up with me, even though he kept saying that I should hang in there and wait for his depression to clear.

 

In any case i told him i couldn't do this anymore and i was out. He never responded and its been 21 days. The first 3 were the hardest, and i was on a roll - but now I'm really lonely and hurting. I went on a few dates but they never materialized. I'm just lost right now.

 

I ran into him last week while i was helping my friend pack her car for a long weekend trip. He was with his friend and literally starred at the ground and didn't even make eye contact with me. What a COWARD. I need some advice. I really do.

 

Its like -- we have so many mutual friends and this is the second time around - he could have at least tried to do the tacky "i know its not working out, lets be friends" line. But to not respond at all, to not even try and make it work, to just give up!?! That makes me so effing sad. And the fact he cant' even look at me - UGH! My friend was like why didnt' you say hello, and I was like, I was busy and honestly he knew we would run into each other, he knows we have mutual friends, if he wanted a hello he would have made some attempt at CLOSURE for me.

 

AWAFASFASDOFJSDFASDFASDKFJASDFSDKFAS! Sorry, I had to vent.

[Zoey]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

but stop analyzing and counting the days.

this too shall pass.

[redtan]

Wait so you dump the kid over him being depressed and you call him the coward? After what you did to him you expect him to want to be friends with you, and when he doesn't want that you make him the bad person?

[abnyc]

it's not that easy. First off -- he dumped me a year ago, then came back after 9 months. We when got back together he swore that he would try harder and not be flaky (he has a history of substance abuse and depression). After 3 months being together i was very happy - but he would start cancelling dates last minute, or not showing up at all. We went the whole entire month of september not seeing each other. We live in the same neighborhood. I was very patient and waited for him to "get better". After a whole month I asked him if he wanted to get coffee or see a movie - or come over and just hang - he would evade the subject completely and bring up something else. He wouldn't even talk about that fact that we wern't seeing each other - that is not normal. I told him that I wanted to be there for him and that I would wait - and he would change the subject and tell me I was selfish for only thinking about myself (which is absurd). I then find out from my friends he had been out a few times on the other side of town - so clearly he's better. I ask nicely if we could meet up - he changes the subject to his sister's new baby. I wrote him "we dont' see each other, this doesn't make sense, I want this work but we need to see each other to have a relationship"

he never responded. I waited 2 days and wrote him that I was done because clearly he didn't want to make any effort. No repsonse. now its been 3 weeks. I was put in this situation. clearly.

[lavenderdove]

I'm really sorry... i was with someone like this... He didn't want to commit to me, but he didn't want to formally let go either... He would go thru long periods where he would just stall me, then drop out of sight for a while, then drop back in again later and expect me to act like nothing had happened.

 

I think the truth was he wanted a FWB situation masquerading as a relationship because he knew i didn't believe in just FWB... he wanted to just be friends when it suited him, or to be in a relationship when it suited him. But basically i realized it was all about him, and never had a 'normal' feel to it because he so often just refused to participate in the relationship when he wasn't in the mood.

 

After a certain amount of this, you do have to be the one to break up with him to preserve your own sanity. The things someone said that made the most impact on me was, 'You are just getting crumbs from this relationship, and you need a normal meal...' And it's really true, that he throws you crumbs now and again, but he is never really fully present nor offering you what you want and need.

 

Just remind yourself of that, that he was expecting you to live on crumbs and like it, while you deserve the whole meal, a banquet in fact!

[abnyc]

i blew it. i wrote him. all i said was hello on email. and he wrote back. he was like whats up, and i said i wanted to say hello.

 

then he sends me a page long email that says he doens't want a realtionship with me, that I'm so awesome I deserve someone who's not selfish and that he just blows in the wind and doesn't want to feel like he's obligated to do anything he doesn't feel like doing. and that I'm such a great girl and i deserve better.

 

so now I blew it and let him BREAK UP WITH ME which he didn't have the balls to do a month ago. and I'm at square one. i blew NC and now he got the upper hand to make me feel like crap. I'm a total loser.

[lavenderdove]

You didn't blow anything... you were wanting closure, and now you have it... the bottom line is he just doesn't want a relationship, and made that clear by his actions, and now you have confirmation in words that he just wants to blow in the wind and not be responsible to anybody... you can't have a relationship with anybody who wants to just wander around and never actually make plans and see you!

[Nerdyjock]

so now I blew it and let him BREAK UP WITH ME which he didn't have the balls to do a month ago. and I'm at square one. i blew NC and now he got the upper hand to make me feel like crap. I'm a total loser.

 

You didn't blow anything. For your posts it seems that you seem to care who breaks up with who and have expectations of what one should do as the dumper and the dumpee. First he dumped you, then you dumped him and didn't like his reaction, and now you want to have convos with him and he asks for space and you feel like it is a breakup or being dumped. I think you have some sort of expectation of yourself (and him), and it shouldn't be that hard I think. You simply have had your heart broken, whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you - and that is the thing that matters. You need to heal, and in the process you may want to contact him, and you may resist this temptation or you may give in sometimes. One setback doesn't reset the process (unless you let it); one frost does NOT make a winter.

[abnyc]

he didn't ask for space - he flat out said he only wanted to be friends and that he didn't want a relatinoship from me - something he could have said a month ago when i asked him if this wasn't working out and if we should split. he insisted over and over that he wanted it and to give him time. I feel like a jerk. I should have known that he was showing me he didnt' care and now I have egg on my face and let him knock me down. I dont have any prospects and am probably going to be alone forever.

[Nerdyjock]

he didn't ask for space - he flat out said he only wanted to be friends and that he didn't want a relatinoship from me - something he could have said a month ago when i asked him if this wasn't working out and if we should split. he insisted over and over that he wanted it and to give him time. I feel like a jerk. I should have known that he was showing me he didnt' care and now I have egg on my face and let him knock me down. I dont have any prospects and am probably going to be alone forever.

 

I personally just think your ego is a little too influential in letting you heal. How do you have an egg on your face? Again, I think it is way easier to just look at this as an experience that you need to heal from, regardless of what you let him do to you or what he did to you, etc. If you want to get better, you're going to have to let go of the blame (whether you blame yourself or him) and just take it for what it is and learn from it.

 

Just take a step back and try to heal. Hibernate in a deep dark hole for a week if that's how you heal, or get out there and do things to get your mind off of it. We all heal differently, but based on your recent post it seems this issue is really digging deep into you, and it doesn't sound like it is turning out very healthy.