What's the etiquette?

[Renegade66]

Ok, so there is a lady who works at my bank for whom I have developed an attraction. I want to ask her out, but I only see her when she is at work. I have a rule about putting someone in that type of situation while they are at work. I believe that to do so would be rude, plus I wouldn't want to cause any undue trouble between her and her employer. This being the case I was considering the following:

 

Approach her on legitimate business and ask if it would be a breach of etiquette to ask her for her number while she is working.

 

I also wonder if this would be allowed under a company's "Rules of Conduct."

 

I would greatly apreciate any input on this.

 

Thanks,

 

R6

[rvr350]

I had similar situation. In my situation, the girl told me she couldn't go out with me cuz of company policy. She very politely shot me down, but I'd rather know it sooner or later. I think your best shot is to politely ask her if you can speak with her in private, and settle it once and for all. Calling her up at work would be impersonal, and gives her too much excuse to reject you.

[Renegade66]

...thanks for the reply.

 

Ironically, I discovered just today that she is leaving the bank for a different job and to focus more on getting her degree. Dontcha just love how life works sometimes? I think your idea about asking her to speak in private is a good idea, though. I may have to give that a shot!

 

Thanks again for the suggestion,

 

R6

[sisterlynch]

I know this is mute, since she is leaving the place, but when the two of you get off at the same time, she is out in the parking lot going to her car you should approach her then.

 

The other thing is to say you like her and want to still see her, then get her phone number or give her yours. She may never call you, but who knows!

 

The heart is a remarkable organ! It can grow and regrow in ways that you never consider possible.

 

Also find out first if she has a boyfriend. Now that she isn't with the co anymore, she should be allowed to date just about anyone!

[Renegade66]

First, a hearty 'Thank you' to any and all who replied to my prior (first!) post. The advice that I was given, although I used it primarily in spirit, was quite helpfull.

 

...And now for the matter at hand (and some history as well):

 

Brace yourselves. This could (will) be rather long-winded.

 

Her name is Erin. For the past few years I have had minimal contact with her due to the fact that she worked at the bank I go to. I would see her just about every week and I found her to be most attractive right away. The monkey in the wrench at that time was that she was engaged to someone so I respected that situation and avoided anything that could create a personal relationship between Erin and myself. Instead, as I went about my banking, I would be pleasant and yet keep my 'distance.'

 

Some months ago, perhaps even a year ago, Erin's engagement fell apart.

I had heard that her fiance' was treating her badly (I have no real details on this) and I was gratified to learn that she was out of that relationship and moving forward.

 

About 3 months ago I learned that Erin was making extra money as a nanny for one of the managers that I work with. Although my day to day dealings with this manager are cordial, I have learned that he harbors much animosity towards me. I can understand this because There was a time in the not too distant past when I was full of negativity and he had occasion the be a target of said negativity. Plus I am quite selective about who I let into my life and the simple fact is that he is not someone that fits well into my circle. Not quite a 'love triangle,' but a triangle just the same (this will be made clear shortly...).

 

Next, the manager in question started to set Erin up with blind dates which turned out to be bad experiences for her. I began hearing about these things through "The Grapevine" (mind you, I don't put much faith in The Grapevine) and somehow I developed an active interest in Erin.

 

For the last two weeks I have acted on every hair-brained idea to go to the bank just to see her, and talk to her: to make a connection. Durring that time she told me that she was quiting the bank to be a waitress at a sports bar and to persue her college education (something that impresses me quite a bit). She even told me a little bit about her schedule at the bar. While she was telling me these things she had a big smile and mimicked the position of my hands with her own while leaning towards me.

I told her how cool I thought it was that she was changing her stars, so to speak, and as I was leaving the bank I told her that I would visit her at her new job one night. With that same smile she gave me the up-beat "Ok!" while playing with one of her earrings. This took place on Friday. I went in to the bank again on Tuesday and she seemed a bit out of sorts so I didn't make the move that I had planned. That night, and for two more nights until I could catch her, I went to the sprts bar to keep my word and to ask if I could give her a call sometime.

 

I finally ran into her on Thursday night and sat in what I hoped was her section. As it turned out Erin was still considered to be a trainee and was working under my server. That night, Erin spent a good amount of time talking to me, as work allowed of course, durring which time she would touch my arm as we talked, lean in close, little clues of that sort. While talking with her (a joy no matter how things turn out, I must say) She asked why I was not having any of the chip and salsa that was served with my meal and I told her that It's not really my thing. Moments later I made a point of trying the chips and salsa while she was looking at me to let her know that I trust her judgement.

 

After Erin made a few more stops at my table I said, "May I ask you a question of a personal nature?"

 

She said, "Ok."

 

So I told her, "I really enjoy talking to you and I'm wondering if I could give you a call sometime?"

 

Erin replied, "Sure," and then gave me her phone number.

 

At that point, however, she seemed to become a little distant. At this time I asked my server for the check, which came to 14 dollars and change. I gave my server a 20 dollar bill and told her to keep the change. Then, because Erin had told me earlier that she "worked her butt off" one night and her trainer kept all the tips, I stashed another 6 dollars under the bowl of chips and salsa at my table and I let her know about it before I left. After all, Erin was far more attentive to me that my server was, so it seemed the fair thing to do.

 

But what has me a bit worried is that she became a little distant after giving me her number and I am also worried that the manager that she nannies for will try to turn her away from me. She knows him better than she knows me, so if she "checks me out" through him it could be bad. At the same time, though, I think that she is wise enough to judge these things for herself.

 

Now I am not sure how to interpret the distance she displayed or if I should call her tomorrow (Saturday) or wait until Monday. I know that she is being called again by one of the guys that hurt her recently by telling her that all he cared about was sex and ALL men just want sex. I am beginning to think that I should call her sooner rather than later. I can show her that I care more about REAL intimacy more than the mere illusion of intimacy that sex provides and I've decided that whatever the managers says about me is his issue and not mine. That's not the problem. The problem is that I feel I should call her sooner before this guy wears down her defenses and hurts her again.

 

Any ideas would be greatly apreciated.

 

Thanks! (And I'm sorry for biography sized post!)

[rvr350]

You seem to like this girl a lot, and you obviously care about her a great deal. You both have common interest to talk about, and that's a good start. Give her a call tomorrow, try to setup something next week.

 

Girl tends to go defensive when someone offers help, especially when she doesn't trust that person yet. So don't go too strong on her, or you'll chase her away. Just offer your companionship and let her know you'll be there for her, that's all you need. No need to buy her 12 long-stemmed roses on the first date, just be yourself. I'm sure she'd like to see the real you other than anything.

 

I think you're in the right track, and don't forget to SMILE!

[Renegade66]

Ok, I gave Erin a call today and I got her machine! I know that she lives with her brother and it was his voice on the machine. So what did I do?

I froze, of course!

 

I know that she is most likely at work for the night so would calling her this evening and leaving a message be acceptable or should I wait until tomorrow when I know that I will get in touch with her? I'm thinking that I should call tomorrow and them leave a message if I get the machine again. I know that I cannot call her at work because that would just be several kinds of bad.

 

Suggestions?

 

Thanks,

 

R6

[maverick]

Well it sounds like she likes you from her gestures and hints. Personally, I think you need to make a move, let her know exactly how you feel and get it all in the open before the evil manager will turn her away. You should give her a call as sson as possible and plan a date in order to express how you feel and then you will know if things will work out or not. I'm not gonna lie, I really thinks she likes you. But do not take the distancing too seriously, girls can be like that sometimes, no one knows why. I think they tend to distance themselves in order to show that they haven't fully committed yet and don't want to lead the guy on. Good luck, and keep me posted on your situation. Take care!

 

Maverick

[Renegade66]

Ok, for reference purposes the date and time of this writing is Monday 04/14/03

6:26 PM.

 

So I tried to call her yesterday, Sunday, at about noon. Her brother, with whom she lives, answered and told me that she wasn't home. I told him who I was and that I'd call again, leaving the time for the second call open. That was the first call I made to her after getting her number last Thursday.

 

I tried to call her again tonight a little after 6:00 PM and I got the machine. I left her a message stateing who I was and that I'd try calling her another time.

 

Now, I realize that since she is working nights and may have already started to attend college full time so she may very well be busy.

 

What I want to know is how long should I wait to call her again? I know that if I continue with the daily call it will make me look desperate.

 

I was thinking that I should call Wednesday night after work and give Tuesday a miss entirely.

 

Is this a good idea?

 

Thanks,

 

R6

[pennywise1]

R,

 

I dont know if you have any other posts regarding this issue (if you do I have not read them), but with respect to this post, you definitely do NOT want to call her on Tuesday. Three days in a row? Thats not a good idea. You yourself said that she is most likely busy with work and school and all.

 

You have made 2 calls and hopefully she got both of them. Although you never know with her brother. She may never have received that message. If thats the case, then she will get the one you left for her tonight. If she is working, then maybe she does not even get it until late tonight or tomorow morning. You have to be realistic and give her time to get back to you.

 

Personally, after 2 calls in (2 days in a row), I would give her a week before I called her back again.

[john one]

In my opinion,

since you've called a couple of times and both calls should have left proof of your call (message on machine, and word of mouth from brother), I would wait longer to call again. It's possible she's planning to call you back on a certain day or something, give her a chance. Let's say she didn't get the messages, I would still play it safe and wait till at least Friday if you could wait that long. Just my 2 cents.

[Renegade66]

Thanks to both of you!

 

I have been thinking about this a bit and I have come to the same conclusions. (Note: The only reason I called again today is that I said that I would to her brother. If I didn't, well, I don't want to give the impression that I don't keep my word.)

 

The main reason that I am "in a hurry" is that I know that one guy who really hurt her feelings when he told her that all he wanted from her was sex is calling on her again and I guess I don't want him to make me look bad by giving her a bad impression of men altogether. Don'tcha just hate it when you're spun on someone?

 

In the final analysis, however, I know that both of you are right on this. Although she does not have my home number, she knows where I work if she wants to get in touch with me. Besides, I left that message saying that I'd try calling "Another time." To my thinking that give me pretty much all the time I want.

 

Thanks again,

 

R6

 

P.S. I did post the whole story earlier this week. If you have several hours to kill, feel free to read it.

[Renegade66]

So, as some of you may know, I have called the lady twice. First, I left a message with her brother then I left a message on her answering machine.

 

I am now faced with calling her a third time and if I get the machine or her brother again I intend to leave my number so that she may call me when she has time (I already know that she has a busy schedule).

 

My questions (which may be best suited for an answer from the ladies of this forum) is how long after I leave my number can I expect a call? Additionally, should I continue to call even after I "put the ball in her hands," so to speak? Lastly, How long should I go without hearing from her before I write the whole thing off?

 

Thanks to any and all who respond.

 

And my further thanks to everyone at this forum who have offered advice and support durring this time.

 

R6

[Wildncrazzy4u172]

Okay well... All girls are different.. Some girls would call right after they heard that a guy called them, some would wait a day.. even 2 days..or even longer, like I said.. it depends on the girl. Leave your number, and I guess if she calls you, then she calls, and if she doesn't, she doesn't...Personally, I would ask my brother when you called and give you a call as soon as I could.. I know I wouldn't wait more than 2 weeks... 2 weeks should give any girl plenty of time to call a guy no matter how busy her schedule may be. Give her time to return your phone call but don't give her the rest of your life...

 

~Jenn email removed