Question for guys who share house with girls

[Lucy__lou]

Men, Gentlemen, boys,

 

I'm begging you. I need advice. I've been share-housing for years now, and I have had countless numbers of male housemates who just don't pull their weight domestically.

 

 

I know I'm generalizing here, but are there any common mistakes in judgement that women commonly make in trying to tackle this problem?

 

Any advice on this would be hugely enlightening, cause I'm so over this.

 

Thank you!

[Stay_home]

Don't know, but I do know that the housing responsibilities need to be equal and fair. If a person has no domestic or home life skills, then they probably are not good to live with. You'll be picking up after them and scrubbing after they go to the pot because they don't have the home-training or mentality to clean up after themselves.

[solsticefall]

How about making a cleaning contract? You don't pay your part of the rent until they do their chores.

 

Or split the cost of a maid between you?

[rosephase]

Why not find roommates (male or female) that have the same standard of cleanliness as you do? Male or female having roommates that have a different ideal of "clean" can be difficult. People just like living differently. If they aren't your romantic partner, your family or your children then you should just find people that you live with better.

[Cognitive_Canine]

This isn't a gender thing. I've lived long term with both men and women. My worst housemate was definitely this one woman who would leave pizza boxes and Chinese food trays in the bathroom trash. It basically made that bathroom unusable. My second worst roommate was probably the man who would leave his giant plates of mac and cheese under the couch when finished with them.

 

I feel for you, OP. It really sucks. I would tell them to just keep any messes/dishes/trash out of the common areas and keep it within their rooms. Other than that, you'll just have to step up and do a lot more cleaning.

 

If they leave something extremely gross out, put it in a garbage bag and set it outside their room. That seemed to get the message accross.

[agent1607307371]

 

I know I'm generalizing here, but are there any common mistakes in judgement that women commonly make in trying to tackle this problem?

 

 

I'd say cleaning but really I mean sharing with men who are pigs.

 

I once lived as the only girl with 4 males and the house was disgusting. I would go away and come back to find stuff left to rot on the kitchen counter for example. It would stay there until it evolved and escaped or I cleaned it.

 

I also lived with two girls and three lads. That house was much cleaner and everyone pitched in.

[Lucy__lou]

Ok, just for some back up info.

 

I'm the lease owner, and housing is in scarce supply so I don't want to move out.

 

Also, I don't have a big social network in the town where I live, so I'm stuck living with strangers from the classifieds, and as much as I can ask people what their cleaning level is before giving them the room, you never really know until you're living with them. And as much as this domestic issue bothers me, it's not nearly as important to me as living with people who I feel comfortable with, and I'm comfortable with this guy. We get along (when we don't clash that is).

 

I know girls can be pigs too, but my experience has been that guys are worse (and the australian bureau of statistics figures on hours spent on unpaid domestic work will back me up on this, that it's not just me).

 

I would prefer to live with all girls, but I find most girls don't, so living with a guy has always been the compromise I make in order to keep the other girls happy.

 

Basically, I'm stuck with this guy until I move out, and past experience tells me that he won't be the last guy I live with who doesn't do his share. And other than the domestic stuff, I'm pretty happy living with him. It's rare to find people you're comfortable living with, so I'd rather find a way to help him improve if that's possible.

 

I'd really really appreciate some advice on persuading lazy male housemate to be more of an adult in terms of domestic responsibility. This is the help I'm after. I have already done what I could in terms of prevention, but it's not foolproof when you live with strangers.

 

I find also that asking a male housemate to do his share has extra social baggage, because there's always that issue of the guy starting to think of you as his nagging mother, and then subsequently reverting to a child resisting and trying to undermine the power of his mother in order to assert his freedom as an adult man (ironically, they do this by acting like children). I really would like to do what I can to promote harmony and respect, but it's a struggle when the guy acts like he's living with his mother/slave and deliberately subverts attempts to establish equal share of chores.

 

Thanks!

[Mauxly]

The single best solution to this is to get a housekeeper who will come in a few times a month, and then charge them a percentage. It isn't nearly as expensive as you think and it will save you a TON of heartache.

[Lucy__lou]

Nice idea, but I know for a fact that none of my housemates would think this was necessary, and none would agree. (And plus this is Australia, where domestic help isn't as cheap as I imagine it would be in the U.S.). As it is, one of the areas in which this guy doesn't pull his weight, is that he is behind in putting money in the kitty, cause he's poor, so he's not going to fork out extra for a cleaner.

 

As it is, he's the kind of person who if you ask him to do something, he'll say something to the effect of "chill out, I'll do it." but then he doesn't do it unless you ask him 3 times, and then when it needs to be done again, he won't do it unless he's asked. Get the picture?

 

We have pretty relaxed standards as it is. None of us are clean freaks. I just want this guy to do a tiny bit. But it's always like pulling teeth, and each time I have to ask, it damages the harmony between us, and undermines our relationship where I respect him less for him having to be asked (sometimes multiple times), and he likes me less because he can sense my resentment.

[Mauxly]

Well, then you simply have a decision to make.

 

1. Kick him out

2. Make a conscious decision that it isn't fair, but life isn't fair, and don't let it bother you

3. Keep giving yourself an ulcer over something that you obviously have no control over

[Lucy__lou]

Well, then you simply have a decision to make.

 

1. Kick him out

2. Make a conscious decision that it isn't fair, but life isn't fair, and don't let it bother you

3. Keep giving yourself an ulcer over something that you obviously have no control over

 

Thanks Mauxly. I love the simplicity of your advice. Very much to the point.

 

I'm focussing on achieving 2. for the most part, and making a conscious effort to keep no. 3 at a minimum (don't have the heart to even consider 1.), but any help on pursuading him to up his game is what I'm after here. I'm hoping that maybe there's a way I can speak to him that will work. I just haven't figured out what it is yet.

 

How do you pursuade a male hippie (who finds it a downer when people want to discuss the practicalities of life) with gender typical attitudes to domesticity (which he would never admit to having) to up his game, is the question.

 

It would help if the other girls would stand by me, but they don't seem to care that he doesn't do his share.

[generaldiscord]

Lots of people, especially guys, (but not all guys and definitely lots of women too) THINK they're helping out when they're not.

 

I'm in their head now, and it goes like this.

"W00t! I made breakfast like an adult, and I am going to clean up now like a good roommate! W00t! boopy boopy boopy doo... dum diddly dum dum, cleaning my plate, dooby dooby doo... cleaning my fork, skibbidly bopi dop... putting away the bread, yippy yay yay yay, late for work goodbye kitchen, I'm SUCH a good roommate!!!!!"

 

Later the roommate comes and finds that they haven't cleaned out the coffee maker, taken out the trash, or wiped the table.

 

If they care, you can gently "teach" them the skills by having meals together. (There's also less work then, because everything only needs to be put back once.)

 

If they don't care, then things get unpleasant, because if you confront a laksydaisical roommate about their horrible mess, they tend to think that you have an attitude problem, don't ask me how I know;-) Best thing is to set the guy up, the apartment will start cleaning itself somehow.

[Lucy__lou]

Best thing is to set the guy up, the apartment will start cleaning itself somehow.

 

can you please explain what you mean by "set the guy up"?

[Mauxly]

can you please explain what you mean by "set the guy up"?

 

I think she means get him a girlfriend. Actually, that is kind of brilliant.

I agree with a lot of her last advice. Some people (men and women) have a VERY high tolerance for ick. So for them, the fact that they don't throw their fast food rappers on the ground or let their dog crap in the living room out of respect for a roommate is actually, in their own minds, being a good roommate. And any additional cajoling will just make them feel nagged. Weird I know.

 

And yeah, I had a roommate who let his dog crap all over the living room, he'd clean it up ONLY if he knew I was coming home. I came home early from a week long vacation and found him sitting in the living room in the middle of 6 piles of crap, happily watching TV. Getting him to do dishes or anything else? Obviously out of the question.

 

Completely un-friggin' believable.

[BenDZ]

voice up.

for me, its the other way around in this house. the womens dont do anything..but thats maybe because i clean and cook routinely that they assume thats just how it is.