Is this normal?

[sonicfan287]

So, Ive got several posts on this forum, and hopefully ive been able to help some of you with your problems. I really enjoy the idea of this board and knowing that I'm "not alone". Even when im not actively posting, Ive been on here to check up on situations and see how others are doing.

 

Anyway, thats not why I started this post. Ive basically noticed that for the last 10 years basically (and Im not exageratting, this has been going on for quite some time) Ive placed an incredible emphasis on being in a relationship, without even realizing it sometimes. In fact, I've come up with a pretty simple formula that reflects every emotional change I've undergone since 2002 or so.

 

GIRLFRIEND = HAPPY

NO GIRLFRIEND = UNHAPPY

 

Obviously, thats a bit of a stretch. I have been happy to be single at times and unhappy in relationships but for the most part, it's not even happiness that eludes me. It's these horrible feelings of anxiety and panic and worthlessness that I get when Im single that make everyday life so impossible. When Im out with my friends and having a good time, for those couple of hours, life feels meaningful and I go to bed feeling fine, but then wake up the next day feeling like crap about myself.

 

I didnt even wanna believe it was as simple as what I outlined above but last year is the perfect example. My girlfriend at the time broke up with me last summer and we weren't incredibly close, so I wasn't TOO devastated but I was still upset. Almost unknowingly though, I slipped into a depression that got so bad Id be constantly calling friends at midnight screaming for help, having panic attacks all the time, it was hell. I didn't even think it was equated to being single, I thought I was going through some kind of crisis and was trying ANYTHING to get out of that.

 

Fast forward to winter of last year when I was lucky enough to meet a girl. We got into a relationship and I kid you not, I woke up the next day feeling AMAZING. Suddenly all the things that got me petrified about work and school went away, I was communicating well with people, it was almost as if i was someone else and I'd only known her for a couple days. Obviously when we went on dates, I felt even better but even when I'd go a couple weeks without seeing her, I felt great.

 

My thing is, if I really had some kind of clinical depression or panic attacks, that shouldn't go away because I get a girlfriend. One thing should have nothing to do with the other.

 

To finish the story, she broke up with me THIS summer and Ive been an absolute wreck ever since. I cant sleep without ambien and I've had even worse panic attacks, but like last year, i think im over the breakup now, I'm just freaking out like i was that time last year. Is this really how ive gotta spend the rest of my life? Is it really as simple as, I find a girl, I get rid of this feeling? It seems so stupid, and abnormal, but i gaurantee if i found a girlfriend tomorrow, i suddenly wouldnt be posting 3 page long things about my depression. Dont get me wrong, id still come on here and post but Id be a changed person. Is this normal? Probably not

[daisy_smiles]

Hi sonic,

 

I'm not an expert on this topic, but I thought I'd share that this might be somewhat normal to some people. I say this because my sister seems to be the same way. She could not live without having a man in her life and she's a member of several online dating services (link removed, eharmony, etc.).

 

What I noticed about her is when she is not meeting new guys, she could not function well. She seems depressed and always in a bad mood. I could not understand why she's that way...perhaps, it's the high spirits and good feeling that she gets from their compliments? I don't know so rather than try to figure her out I just accepted the fact that she is one of those who just couldn't live without being in a relationship or meeting new guys. In your case, girls/women.

 

I'm glad you're aware of your issues. Perhaps there's a study out there about people who functions 110% better when in a relationship.

 

Although, I'm curious to know whether you were deprived of attention as a child. Are your parents divorced? Separated? Are you an only child?

[sonicfan287]

I am an only child, but my parents aren't divorced or anything and theyre quite loving. Thats the ironic thing.

 

My friends love me and so does my family, I get more attention than some people might when they're in a relationship. By all accounts, I shouldnt be this depressed. I shouldnt be happy that i broke up, but i shouldn't feel like this because although ive been mostly deprived of "relationship love", Ive had no shortage of attention or love in my childhood or now.

 

I dont even WANT to want a relationship this bad, if that makes sense. I consciously tell myself that other things are more important but this seems to happen on a deeper level. Im also on a few dating websites but ive all but given up on those because it seems like noone wants to talk on them (either that or i just dont know what to say)

[ksh1255]

Sounds to me like you have some strong traits of Codependency

 

You need to feel that love, that admiration etc. I can tell you, I think I have traits of it myself, where you almost feel not good enough if you do not have anyone.

[sonicfan287]

Exactly

 

Although Im not sure why it crosses over into other areas of my life, like school and careers. While I was in my last relationship I finally felt some spark of passion about other things, like I was starting to get serious about my schoolwork and probably had my best semester since I started, but now Im back to my usual aloofness.

[ksh1255]

Exactly

 

Although Im not sure why it crosses over into other areas of my life, like school and careers. While I was in my last relationship I finally felt some spark of passion about other things, like I was starting to get serious about my schoolwork and probably had my best semester since I started, but now Im back to my usual aloofness.

 

Because you feel empty and worthless without someone. Not that they are doing the work for you, but they make you feel good about yourself, and that branches off and shows in everything that you do.

 

I have been separated from my wife 2 months, and I am struggling myself. Almost worse each day instead of better. I lost everything of course, it was devastating. You couldn't do me anymore wrong than she did me, and the things she has said/done to me since have at times made me want to hate her. However, I find myself still wanting her back, and I know its a vicious cycle, I feel I was completely done wrong the first time around, and probably was although I can not prove anything and it was years ago anyway. We reconciled and moved past it. Now, how everything happened in the end, I feel I was convenience, a great opportunity for her and her son, not that I was loved. Almost everything could have been fake, sure ended up looking that way. So I find I am wanting her back for one of two reasons, probably both.

 

1. I have codependency issues, having her makes me feel whole

2. I love her like a husband should love his wife, unconditionally

 

Key is - you really need to learn how to be happy with yourself first, and then share that happiness with someone. Only being happy when you're in a relationship means they are happy, and thats what makes YOU happy. So, in essence, it's one sided - it's only them really happy, not you. You feel happy because of them. They control your feelings this way.