The cause isn't lost, but is yet to be found.

[maharito]

Hi folks. I registered a few days ago, but have been really touchy about the actual timing of my first post. My mood has really not been that stable since I returned to live with my parents a few weeks back. I share a room with my lil bro (I get the floor, but that's partially my preference). But likewise, I have no privacy. Since I'm also a serious wreck late at night, I decided I was just gonna say something in the daytime anyway, privacy or not, as long as lil bro wasn't buggin me to use the comp.

 

I could tell a bit about myself, but that usually leads to a few volumes' worth. Frankly, I don't believe I can be classified into any group except 'stuck.' I'm a unique individual, and definitely so among those in my northern Michigan hometown of 1500.

 

If it makes it any easier for you to understand where I'm coming from, BEFORE I answer specific questions about my condition...

 

-----

 

I moved to this town as I was leaving kindergarten, already distinguished as apart from the crowd (particularly for academic reasons). I learned to adore indoor recess and playing with Legos, along with acing every math and spelling test that came my way. I became a hardened bookworm up until 7th grade, when I became wildly interested in a very free-spirited but otherwise average young lady in my class of 36. My fascination with her personality and spiritual energy became very obsessive, and without a meaningful outlet such as discussing with friends or actually hanging out with her (she didn't want to be that close), it carried through all the way to my senior year. Now established as a depressed weirdo and a little of a stalker on top of loner and prodigy, I discussed with my school counselor (and dear friend to this day) how I could remold my personality once I entered a new environment--college.

 

I was able to get into a nice university in the state with his finding and my earning of competitive scholarships, along with the aid of a beneficiary (my family lives in poverty and couldn't very well help). I'd gotten over the other girl, even though there were no prospects of finding anyone new to consider in a technical university with 4 guys to a girl. (One would think that it's just tougher odds, but many girls there were quite fed up with all the hitting on and I did not wish to contribute to that stress, which wouldn't end just because a girl wanted to be with me.) I instead returned to focus on my studies, this time making a few real decent friends (I never even pretended to have them in school). Though we really clicked intellectually and loved sharing the joys of the major of Computer Science, there seemed to be something missing from them and from the entire university in terms of emotional depth. It hurt my morale over time... (But I got on the Dean's List that first year!)

 

Over a positively crushing summer stuck back in a friendless, uninteresting, barren hometown, I focused a bit more on my online interests. I hadn't thought to try to make friends online, but it was getting interesting. Still, I was getting real low about my overall condition. That's when I met my first love interest... I'd never more than imagined kissing a girl, and suddenly I had some very strong feelings for a girl in New York whom I'd never actually met! As I returned to college, I discussed going to visit her. We were thrilled and we both carefully planned it out in the middle of my college year.

 

It was a marvelous visit, a marvelous time...I leapt into her arms at the airport, the last thing I was expecting...I was extremely careful about touching people and avoided it at all costs. But in 24 hours...I found myself lured to bed with this lady. She showed me a first hug, kiss, cuddle, and a whole lot more! It was invigorating...and it scared the daylights out of me... Our plan to check out NYC together worked out well...but still, our decision to share a bed was a rather uncomfy one... Though skeptical to touch, I gave her a loving back massage and treatment, something I knew I could do well...and she let me know I did well! (and confirmed it after the incident!) But when it got to the point where my hand was on her panties, the only clothes between us...I had to stop. Something didn't feel right, especially since we'd agreed it would never go that far.

 

The next day, she felt very sick...I didn't know what could've brought it on... She told me not to cry as I departed for the university... And the day after I got back, she told me it wasn't going to work out. Devastated and at a loss for explanation, I begged for more consideration...but pressing on only revealed the truth. One of her 'exes' actually wasn't, never was. But they'd had a falling out...I was someone whom she chose to help her out, in a manner of speaking. She cheated on her real boyfriend with me. I'd been cheered on by my comrades for finally getting some action--difficult would it be for me to assert to them that I was actually sexually used.

 

I got to experience some real darkness this time, dealing with my physical reaction to our brief encounter all on my own, knowing nothing of the sort would happen ever again. My friends and the college counselor could do practically nothing--my only comforts were anime, Dance Dance Revolution, and a large feather pillow. I grew a fetish tied to those memories of her, which I simply could not extinguish as it carried into every moment of my waking and dreaming life. I was a dirty, stinking mess pretty soon. I miraculously only failed one class, and got As and Bs on the others that fall. But when my benefactor deserted me and I had to start a new semester while desperately looking for work AND not wanting to get out of bed most days...I was eager to find a way out. Well, more like praying. I met another lady online who convinced me to take in her life out in California, attend a university there and live off her savings until I found work (possibly with her uncle in the computer business). I knew then as I know now that college was one thing I couldn't desert...but I desperately needed change from my dark depression if I were going to continue. And that meant I needed to change my environment again.

 

I decided only then to accept medical leave from college. I returned to my parents to save up for a bus ticket. Once I had it...she told me she had to leave California and go live in Canada with her cousin. I was neither furious nor devastated, but concerned for her well-being. I figured I could make a living there too. I sold my comp to her cousin in an attempt to buy a plane ticket to Canada...it never worked out, though. I never got paid for my computer, and in fact gave hundreds more to her because I heard that SHE was broke. I never talked with her on the phone...and I never would. It was in fact the stolen identity of a high school girl in the town of some guy in Newfoundland who now had my possessions and was in every way outside of my reach. My first love's counselor and friend gave me some tough love so that I didn't crash. He also gave me another lady friend to talk with (though over time it seemed that she needed more help than I did!) As I carried through a whole spring and summer in the desolate wasteland I called home, mostly unable to find or keep work for various reasons...I found another pal online, Troy, who gave me a real opportunity to restart my life. He offered me a real life with real opportunities out in Phoenix, Arizona.

 

The rush of new hope and eagerness utterly consumed me, and I quickly fell in love with the man, who was gay and a bit older than me. I began to create a social life through various friends he'd made. As I realized I was not really attracted to the man (which hurt him severely) and I was not actually being very responsible for myself, living situations became very stressful. At one point I had to move out. After managing to enter a Christian ministry home and settling there for about a month, I met some folks on the bus whom I could live with. They were gracious and offered to help fix up my 'emotionally retarded' status. I'd found a job soon after entering the ministry and was able to contribute a fair share here, as well as having my first ever bills. However, over time these folks who'd taken me in started to see me as a threat and a burden. They didn't care whether I had any other friends to take me in, finances or opportunities to live elsewhere...nor did they care that I had found a lot of comfort at their place, enough to deal with my living nightmares and memories all on my own! They didn't even care that I had found friends on my own now, both male and female, though I had the possibility of losing it all if they kicked me out. They just did. They also threatened to call the police on me for trespassing, even after paying three months' rent, respecting their possessions and some degree of privacy... They called me every name in the book, laying me out to be not only a stalker but a rapist, a child molester, a murderer. I'd done nothing of the sort, thought nothing of the sort, and I had the confidence to disbelieve them and show them I was nothing like that. But they didn't care. They had the gang connections to have my neck broken, and I only had the clothes on my back in the end.

 

Actually, I had Troy too. I still love that man, and he is an incredible example of understanding and consideration. He helped me return home, after I'd lost my job and I'd already slept a night on the church doorstop. He gave me a range of opportunities and though it didn't work out, he yet saved my life. But now I'm here again. I have a job with the local greenhouse to give me a few bucks, but otherwise I don't see the point of even leaving the house other than to work or to fetch the mail.

 

-----

 

There...really...isn't anything for me in this town. I need out. I must continue my life. Honestly, I'm focused on trying to get into a particular university in Australia. I'm quite disgusted with America as a whole, and I don't believe anything could truly remedy the face of capitalism... I saw it in the streets of Arizona, people out of work, only able to find telemarketing jobs, which don't provide a real good or service to anyone...and they could be fired 'at-will,' by anyone up the chain, for any reason, upon any notice. I saw it in the university, where even my friends discussed how they wished to use their knowledge to take as much money from people as they could, because *they* were in control of the knowledge and thus of part of an entire industry. I definitely see it here in Michigan, where the yokels, dead in spirit, drink and yell and objectify the opposite sex...go to church as if it would make it all better...and hide their bitterness from the world (until they decide to get in a fight with a fellow yokel). With no real jobs and no other more meaningful assistance in attaining one's dreams, they perpetuate their own deaths and spend every check in the hopes of living long enough to see another one. The folks who fail to overcome adversity here, end up treating themselves to it in their own little slice of hell.

 

I've always known that I am not like these folks. My mom has raised me well. She's shown me love along with firmness--an inextricable connection between the comforts we seek and the discipline and work that we provide--for ourselves and the world. She's shown me the importance of guarding these concepts within...as well as of keeping an open mind, to consider every possible perspective and to avoid derogating before fully understanding. And she taught me not to lie--however, I have carried this to the extreme, as I believe that open and honest is the only way to live life, even to the point of risking self-harm. I'm the kind of guy who feels bad writing that I came into work on time when I was 3 minutes late. And I'd share anything in the world with you, anything you ask, though you might have a hard time believing me since I'm not actually physically there.

 

I have much hope and positive energy for the future and for all the potential that lies within me. But I do not have a path or anyone who can significantly help me get there. I do have my counselor to discuss matters with...though his ability to help is limited by his own busy life.

 

I have to go now. Gotta share the comp, gotta go see some social event at the park Mom found out about. Might be the most excitement I see this summer. But I hope otherwise. Actually...it was a bunch of old folks watching another old guy play on a guitar. I enjoy my variety in music but it wasn't exactly a social opportunity.

 

When I wrote this post, I was feeling really emotionally gone. I guess I couldn't convey that I'm fighting mood instability. Or maybe I was...I'm a good speculator but I didn't write the psychology book... (?) Anyway, the rough labor at the greenhouse actually gives me a pretty good mood balance at times. And my boss told me about how (when he was young, at least) that planning wasn't half as important as taking action, though they both were. Maybe I am sitting on my hands a bit, but doing something as lofty as leaving the continent and all but deserting the family is an act I'd rather not do alone. My current pals online are all too busy with their own lives...

 

He also asked if I had a girlfriend... I told him I didn't and never have, and joked that maybe I knew how much of a pain in the rump they were. XD After reading folks' concerns here, I'm no less convinced, though I do have my own take on things if you would want to hear personally. This post is already long enough, though... I consider long-windedness a dangerous gift--the more one says, the more one can self-contradict, the prime act of a fool. XD

 

But if anyone has the heart and eyes to read it all... I'll add that I will read anything you have to say--you can PM me, and though I am not always patient, I will always be as considerate as I can. As for my heart... After 18 months of torture, I not only let go of that NY girl's memories...I took the time to consider what caused her to feel that way, act like that...and I realized I could relate to her situation. I forgave her...even though she doesn't want to talk anymore since I did. (Now the folks who kicked me out, and the guy who abused my identity, they never gave me a chance...or the face of Truth and Honesty, for that matter...I only hope that they'll find the help they need to become more decent citizens, though I will not be that helper.)

 

I shall say no more!

[Joselito]

deep post....... good post......

[maharito]

aw, to hell with any of this. I can't even concentrate anymore. All I wanted was some sort of opportunity of living--I can't stand it here, I can't even muster the will to go to work today...maybe they'll fire me...then my parents will definitely reconsider keeping me here...

 

In Arizona, it was so different...I swear on my grandfather's grave, I enjoyed going to work every day. But in the end, they were the ones who abandoned me...I dunno if it's karma or not...but I feel I deserve another chance. I deserve a real life. And everyone I know just throws their hands up in disdain or futility... and half of them tell me I need help... Well, of course I need help... A very small portion of well-meaning, capable people, have ever had to move out on their own without either financial backing from others or a range of real-life contacts available to them...not since the Pilgrims, anyway.

 

I've lived a good life and pulled myself out of the dumps, but it took time and relocation. Now I feel I'm just wallowing in my own filth. Someone do something...for the love of God...just brush off the welcome mat outside your door...anything, please...

[talo]

Maharito, you appear to be expecting someone to do something. Someone has already done something. Someone is seeing hell and filth. This is an assumption. What is assumed is seen. In other words, believing is seeing.

[maharito]

...eek...point well made...

 

I'll try to consider it somehow... It's all part of my issue in believing that I won't make it to college without some helping hands...that college costs are entirely unmanageable in my current situation.

 

If anyone has anything practical to suggest toward that end, it'd be nice...but having a real friend to even go out and visit would also do wonders for my mood...

 

I dunno... loneliness and ambition are so intertwined lately... I am happy to be home, really...about half the time...

 

And the other half of the time, I wish I could find/make my own True home......

[talo]

I'll try to consider it somehow... It's all part of my issue in believing that I won't make it to college without some helping hands...that college costs are entirely unmanageable in my current situation.

 

If anyone has anything practical to suggest toward that end, it'd be nice.

Suggesting anything toward an end may be viewed as impractical. What may be viewed as practical is re-viewing your "current situation".

 

..but having a real friend to even go out and visit would also do wonders for my mood...

 

A change of atmosphere may be seen as a change of mood. The atmosphere may be changed by viewing situations differently. The "real friend" is in the same mood/atmosphere/situation as yourself. This friend is yourself.

 

I dunno... loneliness and ambition are so intertwined lately.

 

The ambition, the goal, is to get away from loneliness. Getting-away is loneliness; separation is loneliness. Intertwining, bringing back together, is the seeing that no-thing is a-part. This could be called not-knowing or knowing.

 

.. I am happy to be home, really...about half the time...

 

And the other half of the time, I wish I could find/make my own True home......

 

wherever you are, you are home. You do not need to find or make it. Wishing is wishing for a different home; not-wishing/abiding is being home.

 

Wishing you well home,