I feel mean..

[cha]

Hello, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3½ years a few weeks ago. I am 19 and he is 23. I initially said that I wanted a break because I wasn't sure what I wanted at the moment - if I wanted to be in a relationship or if I just wanted to be by myself. He kept texting me and asking me if he was going to lose me, and I kept saying I don't know I just want to be by myself for now. I felt like he wanted an answer then and there and I couldn't give him one, so I said it was best if we just broke up because I didn't know what I wanted and it wasn't fair to keep him trailing along until I decided what I really want.

 

I know this must be really hard for him and I feel so bad for making him hurt. I know what it feels like to hurt so much - when I was 15 (young, I know), I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me with our manager who was married. That was a real shock and I didn't know how to cope. I did get through it though and I was stronger because of it.

 

Back to the story... I am 19 and young and I felt like our relationship was just like an old married couple. We hardly ever did any together, we just usually went to eachothers house and watched dvds/tv. This annoyed me because I felt that we should be doing more things as a couple like going to the movies or going for a drive or even travelling... but he didn't want to do any of these things because he said he was always tired.

 

Another reason I broke it off was because I thought about us in the future and I was worrying because I knew that I wanted to travel and see the world and see new things and experience all the things that life has to offer, but when I asked him if he'd like to travel he said no he wasn't interested. I felt that in the future we would be doing different things and this worried me. He seemed to want to sit home during the day and play on the computer or watch dvds, but I liked to get out and do things.

 

I feel like I've lost my friend and hurt him so much and I wish I could be there for him but I can't under the circumstances. He says that he will change and we will do more things and he will travel with me, but I feel that he is just saying that now and that it isn't what he really wants to do.. and he is just saying it because he wants to get back with me.

 

He keeps saying that I don't want to try and work things out and that I'm not even giving him a chance. But I would try and work things out if that was the only problem, but I think how I would feel if we got back together and I still feel unsure.. like something is telling me or giving me the feeling that I have done the right thing (as hard as it is to accept it). It would be so easy to go back to the way things were, probably because I was comfortable with that and that is what I was used to. I have gone to my phone so many times to text him and say I miss him.. but I think "why am I doing this?" and then I don't do it.

 

Lots of people have said that I can do better than him and be treated better and he thinks that I have been influenced by what people have said to me. It is hard yeah, but if I was influenced by what people said to me, I would have left him a while ago. I know that I can be treated better and sometimes I wished he did treat me more like a 'princess', but I guess you can't always get what you want.

 

I also felt that we had different views on things. For example, I show more respect for people, but his attitude is "if they treat me like s*** then ill treat them like s***", and things like that got to me. I felt that he often put what he wanted to do first.. like what would make him happy, whereas I think about what will make people happy and then I do things.

 

We met online and it is really hard because I go online often but it reminds me of him. I enjoy chatting to people generally but then it makes me miss him. Some days I miss him, other days I think "I'm ok on my own.. I'll get through this.. there is so much to look forward to in life".

 

I said to him I wanted to be friends but I think that was selfish on my behalf because its just a way to keep him in my life, so we both agreed we cant be friends because of our feelings. I feel mean that I am not talking to him and that I'm "pushing" him out of my life.. but its the easiest way to get on with things.. if we keep talking then it will be hurtful for both of us.

 

He has been a bit childish throughout this.. saying things to me on msn like "i think i left my shirt at your house, if so i want it back." and then he went on to say "continue your silence" (because we arent talking much).. and I feel like he didnt need to say that kind of things.. but it may be because he is hurting. Then that makes me think that he needs to grow up a bit and accept what has happened rather than getting nasty at me.

 

My friend was talking to him on msn the other day and she said he told her that someone had already asked him out. I'm not sure if this was true or if he is just saying it because he knew she would tell me. I want us to both get on with our lives, but a part of me feels like I should be hurting more because he is hurting. I feel that there is more hurt to come.. the worst is yet to come. It may be when I realise he has gotten on with his life and he gets a new relationship?

 

I feel like I've just pushed him away and I am being mean.. am I? Any replies would be appreciated. Thanks

[piscesprincess]

You are young One thing in life, you should never settle for less than what you want & deserve. maybe he will change, I am also 23 & still change if my b/f wants me too, but only for the best. Soemtimes, a relationships makes you a better person. Whene someone gets to know everythign about you, they are the best judge of your character besides yourself. As long as the critcism is constructive and not abusive, then another persona can make you see things which you have been doing wrong in the past.

 

You feel as if you hurt him, maybe you did. However, I feel that you also helped him. Maybe if he is with someone else, he will see the error of his ways when he was w/you. I am not an expert, but an observer of human nature. Poeple change when they are ready. Also, i fee that certain personality types are willing to change.

 

If you believe in astrology: Taurus, aquarius, & leo sun signs (or major aspects in chart) will not budge. Good luck. If you are interested, I can do his astrology birth chart for free. This is my first time offering it,but it may be helpful to figure out if he is worth keeping in your life.

[Caldus]

I don't think you're being selfish or mean in any way. You are just doing what you want to do and that is to be away from him. I'm kind of like that guy to be honest. I tend to stay inside more often even though I do want to get out more. And you seem like the type of woman who wants to get a lot more out of life, so in a way it was probably a good thing that you two broke up. I think he was just trying to get you to stay with him when he said that you two would do things outside. You seem very considerate of other peoples' feelings which does not make you selfish at all. It's also alright that you want him to treat you more like a princess. If he's not treating you the way you want him to treat you even after talking about it then you shouldn't have to feel mean for hurting him if you did. No one here can judge the situation better than you can so do what you feel is right. It seems like you are stuck on this decision though. Otherwise you probably would not be posting here. I personally think you should move on.

[AndrewOZ]

cha: i kinda sound like your ex a little. Maybe not the going out part, but my whole situation.

 

The one thing I wanted when my g/f left me 2 months ago, was for her to give me another chance.

There were a few things that she was annoyed with me about, such as showing affection as much as she does, not having so many "boys night" and so on.

When she left me, I told her that I can change these things and our relationship could be a whole lot better. She didnt believe me.

 

I honestly believe that I could and would have changed these things, as being in a loving relationship means more than anything else in the world. I would have been willing to sacrifice a few trivial things to have our relationship work out.

She had nothing to lose to give me another chance. I would have accepted it, if she thought that i hadnt changed then it is over for good.

 

Maybe if you gave him another chance to see if he really can get out of a rut things could be heaps better???? You never know.

[Kindman]

Hi Cha, i know exactly what you're going through. Dont quote me as being an expert or anything but i'll give you my thoughts. Sometimes in relationships, especially the length of yours it is always great to take a break. After a while, whether it's a week, two weeks or 3 weeks even a month you will soon realise your feelings. I'm sure your ex boyfriend is hurting more than he is letting on. You say that he's been acting childish? that's always a good sign that he is hurting a lot. Guy's are weird like that. Girl's just seem to go all quiet, where as guys get childish and sometimes do things they regret. Anyway, you also said that he is willing to change. I was in a relationship for 5 years and my 'now' fiance broke up with me a year before we got engaged. She said that she couldnt see us being together and that we want so many different things in life, and basically couldnt see us living, or even being with each other. I managed to get through to her that i accepted that, but i loved her so much that i would do anything to change and make the relationship work. She still persisted to ignore me for weeks, until she came to it and gave me that chance to show her that things can be how we want it. Which is exactly what i did. I tried my hardest to make the changes to my life to suit both of us. She also had to make changes because relationships are never singular. A year later we're engaged to be married, we've got a child on the way and we've never been more in love! Anyway, back to you. If your ex boyfriend is saying he wants to change just so you will stay with him, he maybe wanting to do just that! As hard as this is for him at the moment, and for you also.. This maybe just what the doctor ordered for you both! It sounds to me like your ex boyfriend loves you dearly if he keeps "texting" you all the time, especially after you've told him that you want time to yourself. This just tells me that he misses you and/or really loves you. You say that you've gone to pick up your mobile phone and "text" him to say that you miss him. This sounds to me like you really do miss him and in the back of your mind there is something saying that you want to be with him, but there are circumstance (at the moment) which needs to be addressed. You said that he's trying to change.. Have you had any indication that he is trying to change? Or is he just saying that? Normally if they just say that, nothing really changes in their life, but if he really does mean what he says, he will be trying to change, believe me. In the end, you can only do what your heart says. You know how you feel, and you know your ex boyfriend better than anyone else. If i were you, i would check to see if he is making the changes to his life.. If so, will he stick to them? If he loves you as much as he says he does, then i'm willing to bet that he will stick to them. Communication is the key my friend and the Bottom line is, there is a lot of give and take in any relationship..it's just a matter sitting down and talking things through. As for your ex boyfriend telling your friend that he has been asked out, who knows! He may have, or he may just be trying to make you jealous? That's also another guy thing. Everyone deserves a second chance. I hope this has helped you a bit.

[maddcow]

Yep. That guy of yours sounds a lot like me. I'm a home-body and I tend to stay around the house more than go out. The last year, I was really busy with school so I didn't go out as much, not to mention I was on a pretty tight income, so the idea of going out to dinner and such wasn't something I wanted to do that often. My gf and I broke up about a month ago, and it was pretty rough. That was one of the things she brought up, how we didn't go out enough, but I feel it was just because I had no work, and I was taking 6 classes each semester, in other words, I was really stressed and busy. Anyhow, I wanted a chance to work on things, I started to see counseling, started to really do a lot of self-evaluation. I really wanted to better myself, for myself and her, but she really didn't want to give me a chance. It devestated me because I felt like I deserved it. Especially after having dated for a year and been so close to each other over that time, I felt the lease she coudl do was to just see how things change. I think I needed at least two weeks away from her though, during that time I really did learn a lot about myself, and did honestly feel like a better person because of the experience. But it has now been close to 6 weeks and the horse has long been dead now. I've been forcing myself to move on. It sucks, but I have no choice. I do think that I have learned some valuable lessons for any future relationships that I might come accross, but I would have loved to show her how much improvement I have made. I really wish she hadn't bottled things up for so long. It would have been nice had things come out earlier and been able to work on things as they came to the surface. I loved her so much and would have done anything to make things worked. I suppose I am that kind of person who believes that if the love is strong enough, you'll make it work.