I miss his hands

[annbuckley]

I signed my divorce papers, and my new house papers on the same day. I am tired and emotionally drained. I should be looking forward to my new life, but instead, I am frightened. I have great friends where I am moving too and I know that I will be supported emotionally and that soon this hurt will have left me and that I will be fine.

 

But I miss his hands. They were big and gnarly. I miss his bald head and his English accent. I miss his hugs and his crooked grin.

 

I didn't want a divorce. I wanted his angry outbursts to end. I wanted him to be happy and he never was. I wanted him to be attracted to me, but he wasn't. I wanted him to look after me when I was sick, but he grew tired of it.

 

I wanted to be the center of his world - but I crowded him, as there was only room for him under the stage lights. I wasn't allowed to be the center of his attention. He was resentful when I did anything better than he.

 

I miss the flowers and the cards. But he never wanted to bed me. I was always so proud of him, but I am sure he was never proud of me except in the first two years of our life together. After that ....... he called me a parasite and subsistent. Four times a year, he was an abusive man.

 

I miss coffee in the morning. And pie.

 

But most of all - I don't understand - I left him and yet I am more upset about it than he has ever been. Usually, it is the person who gets dumped that feels horrid - I am the dumper and I am beside myself with grief. Can someone help me?

 

This makes no sense to me at all.

[lostgurl]

Loss is ok to grieve, no matter what the circumstances. Take this time to heal and learn more about yourself. It is going to hurt and it is going to hurt for a while. But that is ok! It sounds as if you are surrounding yourself with loved ones, which will help the healing. Busying yourself also helps. Start a new hobby you've always been interested in or join a new club. Enriching your life will not only help you heal but will help you discover what makes you happy in life.

 

On another note, I say good for you for not staying in an abusive relationship. You are strong and you are courageous. Keep your head up because you made the right decision. It will be easier to see that with time.

 

I've been through something similar so if you ever need someone to talk to, you can send me a message. I would love to help if I can.

 

Best wishes to you.

[CatsMeeoow]

You are grieving those loss expectations... of what your life was supposed to be like when you married this man... and alas was not.

 

You left because you knew deep within those expectations were never going to be realized even if you stayed... you would have grieved either way eventually.

 

At least by breaking free and doing your best to let go of these expectations now you give yourself the freedom to know that these expectations do exist and may one day be yours again.

 

Disappointment is the biggest heart breaker.

 

Hugs - and good for you for knowing that you are making your life better despite the bittersweet moment you are having.

[annbuckley]

Thanks you guys. I know that I made the right decision to leave - but it doesn't make the hurt go away - your words mean a lot to me. I have a harder time on some days than on others - when I see him it is the hardest. Soon I won't because I am moving to a new city and I have some new business goals that I hope to grow. The days aren't so bad as the nights. Some nights I ache for the dreams lost. And I have troubles with the self talk. I know in my heart that I did all that I could - I just thought that i was worth more to him. I am not. Anyone else, I would believe that it was their loss and not mine - but I did value his interpretation of me - and it was flawed because there was so much of his own personal hatred transferred onto me. Made it hard to see what was true and what was projection.

 

Any advice for freeing his opinion from my brain would be grand. Thanks.