Unable to use NC due to circumstances...have I my destroyed my chances?

[Man on mMssion]

Hello all,

 

Here's my original story if you are interested. It's been over a month since the break up now.

 

 

 

This last week has been insane for me and the ex. On Monday, our mutual friend passed away...driving my ex into a deep depression.

 

Complicating things further, we had a "date" the next day (she didn't cancel the date)...we held hands and she let me kiss her, but she was being distant obviously, and when" reconciliation talk" got heavy, she just said she was too overwhelmed and shut down...not that I blamed her.

 

The next day (Wednesday)...I get invited by her friends to a surprise birthday party for her. It was awkward at first sitting accross from a couple girls who egged on the breakup and said cruel things after, but I held tough, kept it cool, and left a really good impression. It was a great opportunity to show my growth/change in the last month.

 

Thursday, my ex is asked to deliver a eulogy at the funeral. We were on the phone for 45 minutes. I helped her write it and we spoke about other things to calm her down.

 

Friday we had a viewing ceremony we both attended to, she broke down, but was not able to lean on me. It hurt me to watch her in so much pain, but I had to step aside and let one of the girls take care of her.

 

Saturday was the funeral. I helped her again by printing out a final copy of the eulogy and bringing it to her. She was wearing a dress asked me to hold her keys...felt like old times...haha. She was an emotional wreck afterwards...so I did my best to comfort her, made sure she left ok with her friends.

 

So that's it...I broke all the rules. I could not give her any space/NC. But I didn't care...I can't bear to see her hurting. I have no regrets, even as "the ex" I could not just disappear...even if it ruins any chances of reconciliation.

 

So am I "friend zoned" and "safety net"? I'm confused if there is a next step...or is it time to ride off into the sunset? Of course I still want start over with her...but am I past the point of no return?

[rapunzel]

I read some of your story...

 

Because a mutual friend died, there is nothing wrong or inappropriate about how your helped your ex with the eulogy. You did not "break" any rules. This was a special circumstance. You did the right thing.

 

But I read that you were together for 5 years and one month is NOTHING. Based on what you wrote in your prior post and here, I think it is wise to assume that the relationship is over and act accordingly. This means No Contact as much as possible. No one can predict what the future will hold but in order for an ex to realize what they have lost, they have to experience life WITHOUT you. Don't worry about your chances at this point, because at one MONTH it's irrelevant. Give it 6 months and then reassess.

 

As far as "friend-zone" and "safety net" is concerned, she obviously feels comfortable with you enough to have you assist with the eulogy and to have a 'date'. But at this point, if you continue to be available to her as emotional support after only ONE month post break up, you run the risk of becoming a "friend". I've been there and it's not a lot of fun.

 

When you have mutual friends it's tough but eventually you will have to find ways to build a new life without her in it because as I have learned, it is very difficult to get over an ex when they are a part of your life. Of course, this is all my humble opinion. Hang in there and good luck!

[Man on mMssion]

Thank you for your insight!

 

I told her that I refused to be a friend. It's just hard for me to go NC too long, since she's never been the type to take initiative...she's always loved me for my assertiveness. I was thinking disappearing for a 3-4 days and maybe asking out to dinner later this week or next.

 

Then at the end, reaffirm where we stand and decide whether or not to go NC after...it's because I feel like these last 2 weeks we've really laid some foundation to reconciling and that she's seen some genuine growth in me. But then again you have a point...I've read too many times here where men try this and crash and burn for good...I'll just run a couple miles later and reevaluate from there...haha

 

Thanks again for sharing your opinion...it helps calm me from doing anything drastic and purely emotion based.

[Cadence44]

I agree with Rapunzel. It was really sweet of you to help your ex get through these tough circumstances. You've got a good heart.

 

But (you knew it was coming!), I get the sense that you are treating the renewal of contact as a launching pad toward reconciliation. I don't think that's wise. You've sacrificed some of the progress you've made in moving on in order to help her out, but I think that you should continue healing and moving on. It's likely that she has not felt the full loss of the relationship, and I think that's going to be delayed further since she's now also mourning her friend.

 

I know it's tempting to try to fix things in the short term so that you can get that external source of feeling better, but I don't think that's wise. I would resume NC and accept that this is out of your control and that you only have yourself as a source of truly feeling better.

[Man on mMssion]

Should I say anything before I disappear? Like a "I've tried my best, this is it" kind of statement? I'm actually pretty proud of my growth throughout all this...just sad she can't or isn't ready to see it.

 

Just trying my best to keep moving forward.

[Cadence44]

Sending something like you describe may come off as a bit cruel given your friend's passing, even though you don't intend it to be. Emotions are running high, and there's no reason to add to it with an unsolicited goodbye message.

 

My advice would be just to disappear. If she contacts you, then you can say that you were happy to be there to support her in the difficult circumstances. but that it was hard on you since you still care for her. Therefore you need to go back to not being in touch so that you can keep moving on. Then wish her well and be done with it.

[Man on mMssion]

You're right...heck, I need to sort out some stuff too. I'm just going to disappear without a word. She knows my intentions at this point...what more can be said? Thank for the advice everyone...I'll have an update, hopefully sooner then later.