Finding a good friend

[ltensail]

Everyone knows that good friends share secrets, comfortable being around with them etc. It's just a good thing to have a good friend.

Assuming I met a friend in the school, she/he has personalities that I'm quite attracted to. So how can I become good friends with him/her other than trying to make him/her feel comfortable with me by joking and chatting?

I really appreciates your advices.

[orange blood]

I've also wondered this. I can make people laugh, make them think, make them feel good about themselves, provide an outlook on life they might be missing, etc etc, but until recently, I just haven't really been able to connect with people.

The last couple of weeks before school was out for the summer I somehow just became more "me". I didn't exactly get closer to the people I had been talking to(but in my school, almost everyone knows everyone in their class, we have like 74 people), and not exactly the people i "wanted to", but that last month I just started talking to and hanging around different people, some I didn't even know knew my name.

I spent that year looking one way, trying to achieve this and that with "these" people, when there was this entirely different world out there all along, but I'm sure timing had everthing thing to do with it. I just realized that the people I was trying to talk to and be around were mostly taking me for granted. They expected me to always be there when they weren't there for me.

The people I started to talk to (more that is) actually seemed to care. They would say hello to me in the morning when I got there(or when they arrived, and even just throughout the day). They would talk to me in the morning before school started, between classes, and even in-class. We would even talk during lunch the days we had the same lunch. They were actually making an effort to talk to me and include me. I'm not exactly too sure how I changed, how I put that "friendly" vibe out there that got people to talk to me.

It felt good to feel included. Felt good to be asked how I was doing. It just felt good to know someone was putting an effort to speak to and listen to me. I'm sure if this would have just happened maybe a month of two sooner I would have grown closer to these people. Time just ran out. I know when school starts we won't exactly be able to pick up where we left, but hopefully we can pick up somwhere close.

 

 

 

As for "Adivce", as i stated, I just can't think of any as even I don't know how I just started to become with people(which included a person who I never had a class with, as well as a person I never thought would ever speak to me or know my name).

 

You'll most likely receive comments like:

"invite them to go somewhere"

"Just continue talking and showing interest, maybe one of them will invite you somewhere" (this actually happened and wasn't expected)

"you can't just 'make' a good friend, it takes timing/being at the right place and time. Sharing experiences that bring you closer together, etc"

"To get 'make' a good friend, you need a friend to build upon. Don't try to get too close too fast or you might scare them. Build into that over time."

 

Hopefully someone will give some real good advice.

[ltensail]

You said good friends need to be achieved over time right?

How long does it usually takes to get a good friend?

Is a month or so too short? because I got to know a good friend in just about 3 weeks' time. I'm quite surprised. All I did was providing help in her love relationship. She was very shy at first, not trusting me and in the end, didn't told me alot of stuffs. However, after a week, I don't know why or how, she sort of become very comfortable with me and told me all her problems. She told me I'm the second best male friend who she can trust. Then she, in turn, provided me help too.

Yea, I like the feeling that I'm included. So i wanna make more close friends who I can trust completely.

And I think just by providing help to friends won't do the job. There must be some other things that I made them trust me, and in the end, become close to me. Even if, for my case, she don't want to tell me anyone, I can't possibly helped her right? Does anyone know what's the key factors to get someone to open up and feel comfortable with me?

[mahlina]

I think that to build a 'true bond' with a friend male or female, it all depends on time. Some friendships, two people will bond instantly. I sitll have a bestfriend, who we instantly clicked, from the beginning of 6th, middleschool and still share that bond, even in our college years . She and I are still bestfriends. I also have a bestfriend of the oppossite sex, my ex, my close friend of close to 7 years. We were together for close to 4 years. Just because we're broken up now, it does not mean that we can't be friends. As long as we're both 'healed' then I think that it's safe to say that he's still one of my bestfriends.

 

Friendships come and go, but your true friends stay with you for a long time. I wouldn't say forever, because you will never know when the person that you care/love most will pass away. It's the truth. My dad was my bestfriend, up until age 6, and things happened, and he passed away. *There's no way of telling when your 'bestfriend' will pass away.* Savor those friendships while they last. Don't take them for granted. Where I live, people tend to be so snobby that they only thing that they ever think about is themselves. An attitude like that, will never win 'true frienship.' Think about it, backstabbers will backstab. Will they ever find true friends? Perhaps their friendhips stem from some kind of weird animosity-type of relationship.

 

A true friend is someone who's out there to listen to you when you have a problem. They're there for you, without you having to ask. This is my favorite quote that I picked up, after realizing certain things in my life, "Love is given, and is not asked for." Same goes with frienships. Relationships just happen. There's no way of forcing someone to be our friends. If a friendship ever seems to be forceful, then that's more of a turnoff than anything. Why? Because a forceful type of attitude 'scares' people off. It scares me off. True friends don't force things. They listen and understand.

 

Friendships are a two way street. Strong friendships develops over time. It really does. One of the things that keep frienships going is 'reciprocation.' Meaning, friendships are about 'give and take.' We must give in order to receive. It's not about being one-sided. Our experiences of enduring life's challenges, moments of joy, happiness, and sorrow, all develop over time. By sharing those life stories (girl and guy ok, even though some people don't like to be senstive and reveal certain things that happened in their lives, but they eventually do, regardless of how weak they might feel about letting their guard down). Both people will be able to further develop their bond. They relate, sympathize/empathize with each other. To truly say that a friend cares for another friend, they must also accept them for whatever weaknesses or flaws that they have, accepting them for who they truly are, inside out.

 

If you're looking to build that bond with that girl, then allow time to settle in. Try not to push or force things. Otherwise, it won't be natural. Let the relationship fall into it's place naturally.

 

Trust builds over time. thereforeeee, I never understood why my recent ex kept on saying, "you gotta trust me." Sure, I did trust him, in some ways, in the beginning, but for me, people earn each other's trust. Earning it takes time. People cannot demand trust. So if trust is an issue for her, then allow yourself to be you. Try not to be someone else. Girls can spot phonies, people who aren't being themselves. That's more of a turnoff than anything. At least for me it is, because I think that people who can be themselves, are honest, people who I'd rather be around with. For instance, if they're the punk rocky type of people, oppossite from me, then I don't mind having them as a friend. They're just a little different in taste, but them being able to feel comfortable and being honest about their opinions, shows confidence, which is admirable. Perhaps we won't be as close as friends, but if we share similar values, then why not right? Besides, people should embrace differences. That's what makes the life more enjoyable.

 

Also, like attracts like. So there's no way for me to say that she will prefer you to be this or that, other than allowing the friendship to develop over time. To sum it all up, key ingredients for a friendship to me:

 

1.) Honesty- Being honest about your opinion, without sugarcoating opinions/advice, even if it's meant to be blunt. (If people want generic opinions or opinions that they want to hear, then they can talk to fake and apathetic strangers, more of an 'aquaintance' kind of relationship). Being honest about people, situations, and things in general, shows that a friend cares enough to tell you what he/she thinks is the truth, or best advice for the challenging situations. Honesty shows 'reliability.'

2.) Respect- Admiration for each other, deep understanding of where the other person comes from.To truly empathize/sympathize each other.

3.) True bonding- Clicking together. Sharing similarities: similar likes/dislikes, pet peeves, etc.

4.) Support- Sharing, enjoying good laughs, advice, backup, anything and everything. Being able to open up and feel comfortable to letting the 'real' you out, without feeling judged or indifferent.

 

Whatever it is, let the friendship develop over time. Rushing into things won't do anything. Trying too hard won't do anything either. If a friendship's meant to happen/last, then it will. Be you, be authentic, be original. Allow the course of the friendship sail from there.

 

Enjoy the friendship while it lasts.

-Mahlina

 

P.S. - A true friend is someone who leaves imprints in your heart.

Someone who walks into your life, unexpectedly, and you are never truly the same...

[orange blood]

mahlina, great post.

 

ltensail:

Well there is no exact science out there that can determine what amount of time it takes to become good friends. Sometimes it's one hour, one day, one weekend, one month, or a couple of years.

With time comes experience. This could be moments you've shared or even past events with other people.

And this is connected to the "clicking". As mahlina said "Sharing similarities: similar likes/dislikes...etc".

These coupled with the regular "just be a friend" qualities, can turn you into closer friends.

 

 

People might be tired of it, but oh well:

It was the last week of April. At the end of that week, we would official have one month left, as well as two weeks of APs. To top it off, the last week of April had 3 standarized state tests. We had state tests, two weeks of APs, and then in just one week before our final exams. Talk about rushing everything together.

So for three days in the last week of April, we were to be divided into three rooms(our grade had only 74 students) for our state tests. Now our state tests are way too easy and are jokes. But they give us all day to take them, and most students take that opportunity to not go to class, so we stay in the room all day. On avg, everyone in my room took little over an hour on each test but I still need to set it up.

So when we took the english test in Feb, they still hadn't added a new girl, or taken students off that were no longer there. basically printed out last year's list. So I was safe in my group, and they just added the new girl to it at the top of the list. they did he same thing last year by printing off a list then adding people who they forgot too with a marker.

So this time around, I look for my name on the list on the second sheet, and by the time I get to the final name on the second sheet I go "f**k". They actually updated the list some(still one or two errors), and I got bumbed off my group, the group I have tested with for almost 2 years, the group I was looking forward to being with cause we always get the best teacher and it's just a fun group, by the new girl. I was now in the 3rd group, with people I pegged weren't going to be as good and fun as the 2nd. To top it off, we were assigned our physics teacher, and the computer lab, so we thought "oh great, they give us the computers, but not the teacher to use them".

To make this long story short(er), basically it turned into a great experience(he did let us use the computers, and we played Quake 3 on the network, among other things). I was only really looking forward to talking to one girl in there, we talked some but not alot. It was basically a new experience for myself, as I was like the new guy in their group, but they didn't really care and I just became one of them so to speak. It sucked when those 3 days were over since we got to spend alot of time together in that room.

But good things came out of there. I started talking to this girl or I should say this girl started talking to me since those days. She would say hi to me, talkto me during lunch and sometimes between classes. I only had her for english class this year(out of the 2 years), and had really only talked to her once before and was kinda surprised she knew my name(but the english teacher was hard on me, so my name would sometimes be called out). We even started talking to each other in english class, and she would invite me to her group when we had to form one to "study" for exams. She started to tell me stuff that weren't exactly "personal", but practically more personal than most people have told me. Like I found out she just hated this girl that I just began talking to over AIM(which didn't end to well), among other things like how many siblings she had, what hobbies she had when she was younger. Sounds kinda loser-ish, but she practically gave me my first (non-family) hug, but it was when I was trying to give her a paper and she mistook my extended arm. As far as I can remember, she's one of like 4 people that I can ever remember saying the word "love" to me, and the other 3 are family.

 

Just started being more myself, what ever that is, and people just started being friendlier to me. It was weird over all. It was like I was somehow reborn, looking through new pairs of eyes. My friendship/aquitanceship with the other people didn't really change, talked to them about the same amount I had been, maybe a little less. But there were a few people that i grew closer to that were apart of the "old" me, but for the most part it was just all new.