A drug-addled zombie hurt my boyfriend and now he's moving out -- what do I do???? [long]

[calys]

Hi guys,

 

Though I'm a long time lurker/few-time poster, I have always truly cherished the advice and support I have seen this generous community give, even though I felt I didn't have as much wisdom to contribute. I hope you guys can bear with the NOVEL I'm about to write... even if nobody responds, I'll at least feel a bit better getting it out.

 

I'm 28, my boyfriend is 33. We've been together about five months... and I have never fallen in love as quickly and thoroughly as I did with him. He's the sweetest, most considerate guy I may have ever met (sorry, I do have to rave about him). We've both had enough previous relationship experience to "just know" we were right. We ended up throwing ourselves in, headfirst. Maybe not the brightest idea, I know, but it was perfect.

 

Or it was until I went on birth control. We'd only been dating about six weeks at the time, and within a few weeks, I was someone totally different. I'm normally happy, easygoing, fun -- but I felt numb, distant, irritable, and occasionally crazy. Practically unable to motivate myself to work, eat, or see my friends. I lost 15 pounds and walked around hollow eyed and had trouble smiling.

 

The second month of birth control, as soon as I got off, I felt clearer again -- and had an epiphany that I'd felt this way back when I was in college... back when I first went on birth control. In college I nearly committed suicide b/c of the crazy thoughts/feelings, but I'd NEVER imagined that it could be the birth control. I took it for about 4 years all told, and after about a year, the emotional effects had slowly diminished.

 

It all seems so obvious NOW... but I made the huge mistake of thinking the effects would lessen over time as it had before. So I stayed on the BC, and it slowly, insidiously took over my personality. When I wasn't picking inane, pointless fights, I was an unresponsive, cranky zombie. My boyfriend suffered acutely, but mostly in silence. He hid his pain (which is where his responsibility for this comes in). Well, or, maybe I was just so numb I couldn't see it.

 

Four days ago, at a breaking point during a fight, he finally told me how much things I'd done and said had hurt him. It was all a horrific shock to me. But rather than allow space and time for me to rectify things (burn the d@mn birth control, for starters!), he's moving out and breaking it off. We've been living together for about a month.

 

I'm blindsided and utterly devastated. For two days, I was doing the desperate begging, pleading, bargaining, crying hysterically on the bathroom bit (which isn't me). Then two days ago I got off the horrible birth control and regained at least some of my balance. Our conversations since then have been calm, and I've been much more accepting of his decision, although I still desperately want to try to save my relationship.

 

I know how silly it sounds to be so crushed over such a short thing, but we've both had a few yearlong relationships, and neither of us had ever so deeply committed and invested ourselves... I'd finally dared to dream of the beautiful future, lasting love, 2.3 kids, 1.2 dogs, the works.

 

In our conversations now, when I tell him how much he's meant to me, he says, almost with reluctance, "I really didn't get that from you... I much more got the impression that you hated me." I think, "That's SO not how I feel, how on earth could you think that?!?!?!?!!" But thinking back, I know that's exactly what the zombie conveyed. I know he's hurt. It's killing me not to run after him and comfort him. It's killing me that I did this - even though it was not me.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I haven't gone NC (can't yet - he still has to get his stuff) but I'm wondering whether that would actually be best here. He says he'd like to be friends - that I'm his best friend and that he wouldn't be opposed to spending time with me - but he's been very quietly firm about moving out and "not being together" anymore. That he just "can't be with me right now." The right now gives me hope. I don't know whether it should.

 

I know I need to give him space, and time to get reacquainted with me and not the depressed, angry zombie he was dating, but I'm scared to send the message that I don't need him (which he got WAY too much when I was on the pill).

 

He basically just signed on an apartment over an hour away from me today, and I'm trying so so so hard you guys not to ask him to stay. Or at least to find some kind of in-between temporary situation that isn't so final. I know a year lease isn't forever, but we'd been talking about planning to get married at that point. I know I should have patience but AHHHHHHHHHHH this is impossible and I don't know whether I should have any hope at all and I need

 

Help... help... help. Thanks everyone.

 

 

PS - the birth control thing is a whole other story, and I'd love to know if any of you lovely ladies has had a similar experience. It felt like I'd been drowning without being *aware* that I was drowning until I got off it and had that first gasp of oxygen. Like coming back from the dead.

[vertigoxo]

Did you tell him that you were being crazy because of the brith control? Whatever method you used, it sounded like it didn't worked. There are other methods you can try... Ask a doctor first, though.

 

Anyway... As soon as he gets all of his stuff, I highly suggest you go into NC. Not for him, but for yourself. It sounds like you're on an emotional roller coaster and the last thing you want to do is to force him to get on the ride with you when he's already pissed at the way you were with him. Let him be and let him clear his head out... without you around him.

 

Do not contact him unless he contacts you first. You need to get yourself back emotionally, and with the NC, the time apart will make him forget the bad memories and to remember the good ones. It will make him feel nostalgic and maybe doubt his initial decision to end things with you. But again, HE has to do it, not you. Meanwhile, I suggest you take care of yourself emotionally and physically. I wish you luck.

[iluvcouscous]

Hi, didn't read your complete post but was wondering if the bc was nuvaring. I took it for 3 months and got off when my ex told me i was becoming violent. And i don't think i lost weight but my stomach was definitely slimmer.

[Cadence44]

Yep, you could just be really sensitive to hormones. I couldn't believe the difference I saw in my personality when I got off of bc. I was nuts while I was on birth control pills, and I was also - quite unfortunately - the last person to believe that I was nuts. I don't think it was anywhere as severe as what you experienced, but it definitely affected me.

 

In the future, if you need birth control, you might want to check out an IUD. There are non-hormonal ones (copper) and ones where a majority of the hormones stay localized in your uterus and only a tiny amount circulate through your bloodstream (Mirena).

 

I'm sorry about what happened with your boyfriend. Lots of space and healing is what's needed now.

[jenny_mcs]

I think you need to leave him alone for now, and regain your footing and emotional balance. Maybe after a few months, when everything has calmed down and out of your system, you can contact him again.

 

Being overly emotional (begging, crying, etc) is only going to push him away further. Dealing with emotionally unstable people is exhausting, and he probably needs a break to regroup.

[calys]

YES!!! It was the NuvaRing. I lost weight on it and my skin cleared up, which was nice... but not worth turning into Satan Incarnate.

 

That thing is made of PURE EVIL.

[calys]

Yep, you could just be really sensitive to hormones. I couldn't believe the difference I saw in my personality when I got off of bc. I was nuts while I was on birth control pills, and I was also - quite unfortunately - the last person to believe that I was nuts. I don't think it was anywhere as severe as what you experienced, but it definitely affected me.

 

In the future, if you need birth control, you might want to check out an IUD. There are non-hormonal ones (copper) and ones where a majority of the hormones stay localized in your uterus and only a tiny amount circulate through your bloodstream (Mirena).

 

I'm sorry about what happened with your boyfriend. Lots of space and healing is what's needed now.

 

 

Thanks, Cadence!... I had a very similar experience... the nuttiness and irrational reactions "felt" like me, even though some part of me sensed it was wrong. Ugh, the way that stuff takes over your mind and personality is SO insidious and hard to recognize!!

 

I don't know where my experience ranks on the Awful Scale, but it always helps to hear that I'm not alone. I'd had no idea before this how many women have adverse reactions to BC. If I get back on birth control of any kind, it's gonna be the copper IUD. No more hormones for me!

[calys]

Thanks, everyone for the replies... the reassurance that NC/NIC is the way to go is really helpful.

 

The hysteria (begging/crying/etc) wore off almost instantly the minute I took that bloody #@*$% ring out.... now I'm just torn about how to proceed.

 

He's already on this "friends" kick and coming over tonight to watch a show we always used to watch together. While I'm obviously glad to have him, I'm afraid it's going to be hard for me to not slip into all the old (GOOD) relationship habits... touching, nicknames, etc.

 

I'm not sure whether to let myself do what I want, or try to keep away from him -- I don't want to send the message that I don't want to be near him (which, again, used to do all the time.)

 

I guess I should follow his lead? Thoughts?