Gender Dysphoria? :(

[lost_relic]

I am a 19 year old male. I have had these feelings ever since I was about 7 years old. Try as I might, I can't seem to make them go away...

 

I want to be female. You wouldn't know it to look at me. Everyone thinks I am just a very normal happy guy.

But often, I look at women, and just wish...

 

I also have a girlfriend and we've been going out for about 6 months. I love her very much... but sometimes, I just see her and wish...

 

I don't really know if I am just turned on by the different body parts, and want them because I find them attractive though... but SO many things not directly related to one's physical body entice me.

 

I am still living at home. My family is pretty screwed up. My dad collects junk. He won't throw anything away. He is often yelling at my mum or anyone that will go near him, but to the outside world, he is all friendly and smiles. My mum completely hates him, and often talks about killing herself, and wanting a new life, so I tend to spend my time in my room, as do my two male siblings. She hates all males and ALWAYS goes on how males are all useless. It's always been like that.

I have read that family/growing up situations like this often contribute to these "feelings". Sometimes they are very strong, and I often get sad because I know there is no way I can ever actually be a woman.

 

I know people might say "seek help"... but what am I supposed to do? I can't tell my parents, or my girlfriend, or anyone I know... they'll think I am some sick freak.

I have often thought about undergoing "that operation"... how good it would be... but then, realistically, I could never live like that. I'd lose ALL my friends and family... they'd all hate me and be disgusted by me. I could just never do it.

 

What should I do?

If I could make these feelings go away, I would... but they just WON'T

[Roasted Carrots]

Wow. Let me start off by saying I'm sorry your life is like that right now. and I hope it changes for the better!

 

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think your initial feeling is true: your wanting to become a woman is directly tied to your family life. Help can be found in many, many places. Your mum, dad, girlfriend, and brothers might understand if you give them a chance. If you can't bring yourself to tell them, try talking to a member of your church or a trusted friend.

 

Also, try getting out of the house more often. Take your brothers on trips or hang out with your girlfriend. Just get out of that brooding atmosphere.

 

Just a thought: maybe you want to become a woman in order to escape your life right now.

 

I hope this post helped you, even it it was just a little. Keep us updated.

[wing wha]

well. this is a new one. i think that it isnt weird. but if you have a girl friend and kiss her and stuff. and then you turn female you will not be her boy friend. or girlfriend in that case. i cant picture you turning into something really different besides the body parts. i would really consider that. it s what god or who ever you believe in made you. alot of people disaprove of it. think about the pros and cons. i mean that means you will go out with men you know. unless and double wow and your lesbian.

i wouldnt do it because its like starting life over. everything you know is gone and its not genuine. do it for your girlfriend. and dont do it. talk to her about it. ask her what it is like to be a girl. talk to me see what s up

[lost_relic]

 

Thanks for the replies...

Yeah, I get out of the house often enough (I am a somewhat struggling IT university student it's when I am amongst all those people that it really hits home there is no way I could do that...

But then, I still wish

 

There are other factors which have contributed to it too... that no one else knows about... but I don't think anyone would really like me to describe what I am referring to

 

Also, I think part of it is identity related... I am not entirely sure who I am, or I am supposed to be.

For example, I seem to follow in the footsteps of my older brother (I am the middle sized bear )... he is 5 years older than me. Anything he likes, I seem to like too... he likes computers, I like computers. I am even doing the same course he did. I am not sure if it is BECAUSE he likes it, or because we simply like the same things. I tend to think it is the latter, but sometimes I don't know. He might say "Listen to this great new band I discovered" and I do... and I love them too. But do I like them because he does, or because we like the same things?

We even LOOK the same. We're the same height, same stature, and same weight!

(okay, our faces and hair/eye colours are different though).

Sometimes I wonder if I am just following in his footsteps... I don't mean to "copy" him like that

Sometimes I really do wonder what I'd be like if he was never there...

I really don't know... O_o

 

But it's true, I do really love my girlfriend... and finding out so much about her and being a woman, in some ways makes things worse...

And I am also partially afraid, because, I know that these feelings have been there for SO long, and that they still won't go away... I am afraid that one day I will just not be able to take it anymore. And I really don't want to hurt her like that...

It's true, when I am with her, all my worries go away...

But those feelings still do resurface. Sometimes something she might say will trigger them...

 

Sorry if I sound pretty crazy everyone... thanks for reading all this and helping me

[Darkblade]

I did a google search for "i want to be female" and this was the second (and first real) result. I also feel the same way, although I'm never going to have a girlfriend...

I wish someone made only of Soviet tank parts would burst in and attack my head for years with flaming, acidic, poisonous, spiked chains...

I'm so hollow......

[sinderella]

I am older and a happy transsexual. Hating myself for years and living in denial were part of my youth. I hid in relationships with women and never became aware of myself in relations to others until I dropped the facade and became who I have allways been. The insecurity I experienced in my youth practically vanished overnight!

 

Melody

feel free to pm me

[lost_relic]

Thanks for the replies everyone...

I am still not sure what's going on in my life.

If anything, the only person keeping me sane is my girlfriend. But still, sometimes we talk about things that do (and shouldn't) make me very sad and depressed because I am a guy, and can never experience those things the way girls do...

She doesn't know, and I am not going to talk to her about it.

 

I am going to wait and see how things develop. But I also know that the effects of female hormones decrease with time after male puberty... so ideally, the sooner, the better.

 

I am so confused

[Giggles]

interesting, good luck with that

[Lucky_Ducky]

What your saying is rather concerning, maybe you should talk to your Girlfriend about it or seek advice from others.

 

But if you were to choose that life you do realize that you're most likely going to loose her and most of your friends, as there are alot of people that have a problem with Transgenders.

 

Look, just think of it like this; you are who you are, that's the way god made you, be happy for who you are and except that!

Think of it like this, if you were born female there's NOWAY you'd ever have got your Girlfriend, you'd be intrested in Males.

 

I'm female, im happy with my current sex and there's nothing I'd change, I think you're NOT happy with yourself and by changing your sex you feel it's like revamping yourself and you can start life over with a fresh. I just hope you realize that by doing this you are going to loose almost EVERYTHING (including the ones you love; Girlfriend)

 

You say you love our Girlfriend dearly, exactly why is that; because she's female? Because you wish that you were infact her?

(I'm sorry if these guesses are wrong)

But exactly why do you want to be female?

What is that you don't have in yourself that makes you crave being female?

 

I think maybe it is related to your horrible home life, but I'd defiantly seek help, let's face it, what you're feeling isn't normal.

 

I think you just need to look at yourself in the mirror look at what's good in your life (even though it doesn't seem like much) and just remember you'd loose ALL that if you were to change and I VERY much doubt your life would improve as ALOT of people would view you as a freak.

 

Being Female has its ups and downs, it's not all that great, as I'm sure being male would have the same effect. Just remember you are who you are and that's the way god made you, when you look at yourself look at what's good, NOT bad and I'm sure in time you'll come to like who you are possibly even LOVE who are.

 

I hope this advice helped you, and I do hope everything works out for you

[jaiva]

I did some research on this subject last nite. I hope this website helps you. link removed

Jaiva

[lost_relic]

Thankyou for your help Jaiva

I assure you... I have done LOTS of research... I do it every night, whether I want to or not

 

Lucky_Ducky... you bring up some very good points - most of which I cannot answer.

I know if I were to go through with that, then I would lose EVERYTHING. Everyone I care about... I could take losing my friends, I could probably take losing my family... but I don't think I could take losing her. She is what keeps me going... knowing that I have her in my life. It's not that my life is bad or anything... but she just makes it SO unbelievably good.

 

The funny thing is, I don't WANT to start over. I want to be happy with who I am... my life is going GREAT at the moment, and I should be very happy with it.

... "should isn't is, girl"...

I can't seem to make it go away though. I am not sure why I want it exactly... logic tells me that it would destroy my life beyond recognition, and I would never be able to live with myself for throwing away what I have. It even tells me that realistically being a female is really no different from being a male... it has it's good points, and it's bad points. It even tells me, chances are if I did take that path, I would not like it anyway! It would just give me more to hate about myself, quite probably to the point of suicide.

... But, we humans are illogical beings... I think perhaps I just want it because of my family and such.

 

I really do love her though. Not because she is female. Not because I sometimes wish I were infact her.

Because, in my eyes, she is perfect... If there is any truth to the idea of soul mates, I really do believe she is my other half. We have the most unbelievable things in common. Everything seems to have fit into place perfectly...

 

I want to make it go away somehow... I have been trying to stop thinking about it, but it just doesn't work. How many times have I dreamt of it? I have lost count. How many years have I felt like this? For as long as I remember. It also seems to be getting worse, the more I find out about my girlfriend and females in general, the harder it is to get out of my mind.

Even when I am with my girlfriend, she might say something... that relates to being female, in a very small infinitesimal way, and something small inside of me will just be hurt I guess... Small things, protrude in my mind like thorns...

 

I hate it. Why did this have to happen to me?

 

You're right, I do believe I need help. But I could never tell anyone. Especially NOT her. It would be taking a _HUGE_ risk, and I could lose her over it...

I just want to make it go away, and be happy with who I am...

[kimiroki-7777]

Well If you want to be a female more . Then probably get yourself forgotten . It would be a lot easier . If you can't get it out of your head .

[Lucky_Ducky]

Well I'm glad you're happy with your life at the moment.

 

Yes, I can tell your Girlfriend means the world to you, telling her would be a BIG mistake as I can amagon she would have a problem with it. I personally don't know her, so I can't say but I'd think if you were to go through with anything like that, you would loose her because even though she loves you for YOU, no matter how "perfect" she may think you are, she does actually love the fact that you're Male, I mean lets face it, if your Girlfriend was male, you WOULDN'T have that same feeling for her.

 

 

 

So, you're happy with your life, you have an amazing Girlfriend that loves you very much and things seem to be going well. Honestly, like you say, you SHOULDN'T be feeling like this still.

 

I know that what you're feeling, is something that just CAN'T go away over night, as it's been with you, for a LARGE portion of your life, so it's difficult to help, all I can really say is just think of it like this, it's ALL in your head, being Female is NOT that answer to any internal problems and its NOT worth loosing loved ones over, I'm sorry but it WONT solve any family problems either.

 

Some steps to helping overcome your Female need:

-STOP looking/ researching about the Female body, it's like an Ex- smoker going into a shop, buying a packet and then smelling each smoke, of course the craving will become greater!

-If your Girlfriend starts talking about anything overly Female, I.E Periods then just change the subject or tell her you're feeling uncomfortable.

-STOP thinking about it, if you do end up thinking that way, just remember, your Girlfriend WOULDN'T be with you if you were female.

 

I hope this has been alittle more insightful, but please, jut be happy for who you are, you're Unique and special, and I'm sure someone (your Girlfriend) Loves you VERY much and will be there for you no matter what, that being said…

 

This may sound weird, but I think if anything, your Girlfriend will be your cure.

[lost_relic]

Thankyou Lucky_Ducky, it is very insightful

Yes, if anyone will save me, it's her.

When the world has turned it's back on me, and I feel like there's all but nothing left... I know that there is still hope, because I still have her.

 

I shall try those things you've written above... I have been very good for the last few weeks... then just a couple of days ago it came back and hit me quite hard.

Interesting timing though...

 

Thanks for everything anyway... everyone...

I'll be sure to keep things updated

[Lucky_Ducky]

your welcome Lost_Relic

 

The fact that this feeling is still strong is worrying though, look, the best you can do is just ignore it.

 

You say the feeling hasn't been there for the last few weeks, why is that? have you not been thinking about it?

Because if the feeling goes away with certain distractions/ not thinking about it then that's the key to breaking your problem.

 

Also, it is possible this problem is genetic because you state you have two male siblings, well if you're the youngest of a large family your genetic make up can make you attracted to the same sex whether you can help it or not. I know you have a girlfriend, hence you're not gay, but a lot of Transgender are, which makes your case rather interesting.

 

It's difficult because there isn't any straight answer (for instance if you actually wanted to be female and you were prepared to loose everything to fulfill this wish then your answer is obvious, go for the change) but you don't want to be female and loose everything, you just want to get rid of this feeling, well I would just try my previous suggestions and see how that works out.

 

The only other suggestion to help you is, do something fun, like IF you think/ crave being female then just make a jar where you place 5cents in and soon enough you wont want to think about it, it'll cost you.

You could also distract yourself, like if you start thinking about it then make sure you use other means to occupy your thoughts I.E your Girlfriend, read a book, watch some TV, anything to distract you from the matter at hand, then in time you'll no longer worry about it/ think about it and your feeling will die.

It's just if this feeling keeps growing and stays with you, sooner or later your Girlfriend will find out as you'll feel no escape and it's most likely going to break her/your heart. Because the build up will become so extreme you just have to let the world know and I know you don't ever want it to amount to that.

 

Keep me posted on how everything is going okay because I know there isn't really anyone you can talk to about these feelings and I/ everyone else following this forum does care for your wellbeing.

[Lucky_Ducky]

Nicegirl has a good point, Look, if you can't live your life as male then your only option is to change, but how much do you want to change, like actually become female, parts and all or are you just into cross-dressing, either way if you're going to do anything you have to confront someone, either your Grilfriend or a loved one.

 

Nicegirl is right, you wont loose your Family and Friends, that is if they're your true friends, at least this way it'll show you who really does care for you. Even though you state your home life isn't good at least with coming out of the closet; you'll be free.

Though I'm not sure about your Girlfriend as i do not know anything about her, so how she would take the news; is really a mystery but from what you've said, it sounds like loosing her would destroy you. But that being said, you must remember, life goes on and you would find someone else, someone more suited to yourself.

 

All i want you to realise is in the end it's your choice, do whatever makes you happy

 

Keep me posted on how things are going.

[lost_relic]

Thanks Lucky_Ducky... your advice is really helpful, and you are very kind for spending so much time to reply to my topics =)

Thanks for everything, all of you

 

Things are going fairly steady at the moment... I still can't seem to forget it though. It's still there to remind me all too often... and some things people might say or do, just trigger those feelings... it's quite scary, because I fear that one day it'll come out, like you've said. But otherwise, no one would know...

I am going to keep fighting it though. I just worry that one day I won't be able to take it any longer, and give in, causing MUCH more damage than if I did it now... but that's a risk I'm going to have to take. I can't and won't give in.

 

After all, the grass is no greener on the other side... so why jump the fence, leaving everything I know behind?

 

... Perhaps, if God made me a woman in my next life, I'd be happy... but otherwise, I'm just going to have to make-do. I am really not willing to ruin what I have been given like that (in terms of loved ones etc). Even though it'll be hard... I can't succumb to it.

 

Hopefully, with time, it'll slowly go away... besides, I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet

[mgirl]

Hi lost_relic,

 

I had a friend who was a transsexual and she used to have to insert a dildo into her vagina every day just so the wounds didn't heal over. She also had silicone implants and one of them leaked so she had to have surgery to correct it. As well as all that, being a transsexual was hard for her emotionally and mentally. She had a supportive partner but still experienced prejudice and found the whole thing really hard to handle. I just got the feeling it was a really hard life for her but she wasn't happy as a boy either, so i felt it was a catch-22 situation for her.

 

My contention is that life is going to be challenging no matter what you choose and although i congratulate you on your honesty, i advise that you think about this carefully as there are serious physical consequences to these operations. Also, i assume the operation is irreversable and you wouldn't believe this but things change a lot from when you're 19! You still feel like the same person but you have a whole new perspective on life!

 

I don't post much on this site but when I read a story that personally touches me I have to reply.

 

Take care,

 

Mgirl

[Giggles]

Hi Lost Relic

 

wow, your life is a rather pickle. I can see how this would mentaly mess with you. I can't say what causes it but a asume the fact that you're the middle child in a stream of boys might not help. You also seem rather sensitive/ feminine which i can safely asume would contrubute to thses feelings.

I know you want to fight this which is good. Means you dislike your feelings of "not belonging" but just remember, in the end of the day; it's your happiness that's most important, so do what makes you happy. But, just remember the consequence's of your actions and the affect they will have on the ones that love you.

 

good luck to you lost_relic

I hope you find internal happiness

[Lucky_Ducky]

Hi again, i have found this site which brings up some helpful advise on being a transgender and what it would be like to be with a transgender (so mainly what it would be like for your girlfriend) i have pasted the most important:

 

What causes the urge to crossdress or to change one's sex?

 

There is a great deal of debate in the medical community as to what causes transsexualism and transvestitism. Transsexualism is thought by some to be caused by a area in the brain called the "sexually dimorphic nucleus". Others claim that it is caused by a hormonal imbalance during pregnancy.

 

Some types of transsexualism (e.g. xxy syndrome) are genetic.

 

The two main types of transsexuality are called "primary" and "secondary" transsexualism. Primary transsexualism occurs in young adults who are gender dysphoric from a young age.

 

Secondary transsexualism occurs in middle-aged people who have not had very strong transgender urges in their earlier lives. This type of transsexualism is thought to be linked to hormonal changes in the body at that time.

 

There are also cases where people are forced into alternative sex roles due to religious, social, or family pressures. Some men dress as women to avoid draft or get out of the army. Very religious male homosexuals may feel the need to change their sex in order to correspond with their religious beliefs. Parents may dress their children in clothing of the opposite sex because they wanted a child of that sex.

 

Transvestitism has no definite cause. MTF cross dressers sometimes crossdress because it feels more comfortable than male clothing. FTM cross dressers are more easily accepted than male cross-dressers.

 

My significant other is transgendered. What should I do?

 

There are several support groups that can help you deal with a crossdressing male spouse, a transsexual/intersexual spouse, or a transgendered girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

If your spouse's transgendered activities are interfering with your sex life, a marriage counselor might help you. Transsexuals and transvestites in married situations sometimes remain with their wives as sort of a "sister" figure. In some cases, a transsexual spouse spells the end of a relationship.

 

Heterosexual males involved in relationships with MTF transsexuals or gay transvestites may feel that their masculinity is at stake. Being in a relationship with a MTF transgenderist does not mean that you are gay in any sense of the word, nor does it mean you are somehow "less straight".

 

Heterosexual women involved in relationships with FTM transgenderists are often very accepting of their boyfriend's condition. Many female transsexuals marry and adopt children. Some women involved in such a relationship leave because they want to have children. As with the above example, being in a relationship with a female transsexual does not make you any less heterosexual.

 

Intersexuals and post-operative transsexuals are a special case. In many cases, there is no way for a person to know that his/her spouse was an intersexual or transsexual. Having your spouse tell you this is a symbol of trust and commitment.

 

Children of transsexuals often feel upset over a parent's decision to change his or her sex. Children may feel guilty, neglected, or hostile towards the parent. Sometimes, the transsexual parent will leave the family altogether. This does not mean that the parent has stops loving his or her children. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a sex-change, a person will feel very guilty and have a lot of self-hatred. They will feel "unworthy" to be a family member and may feel obligated to leave. The parent still loves you, but he or she cannot bring himself to face you. Eventually, the guilt will fade. It is important to maintain a relationship with your parent and let him or her know you are interested in maintaining a relationship.

 

Parents of transsexuals and transvestites feel a range of emotions towards their children, ranging from disbelief ("It's just a phase") to anger and disgust. Some parents will be upset at the prospect of no grandchildren. Many parents who cannot deal with their children simply tell the child to leave the household. You should remember that your child is going through an incredibly rough time, and needs your support now more than ever.

 

Above all else, remember that you are not alone. Many other people have gone through what you are going through right now. It is okay to feel angry, disgusted, or sad; those are natural emotions to feel. It is not okay to feel guilty, unworthy, or ashamed. You have done nothing to justify such feelings.

 

There are support groups for children of transgenderists, spouses of transgenderists, girlfriends and boyfriends of transgenderists, and parents of transgendered youths.

 

I hope this might help you in understanding abit more about your condition.