most agonzing week of my life!

[RAUL]

When I woke up this morning the last thing I thought I'd be doing is posting my problem on a message board. I found this site in my deperate search for an answer...can you believe that I actually typed in 'cure for a broken heart' in google...anyways I have been reading a few posts and I feel comfortable sharing so here goes... I am going to state the facts and I want you to tell me your opinions or advice.

 

We started the realtionship 1 1/2 years ago, things went well, we had a great time together and she was everything I ever wanted. I am 25, she is 19. She had a very traumatic childhood, father was drug addict and mother was never there up until recently. When I was courting her she said she fell in love with me, and I with her. I was the first person in her life that had shown her the type care and love and it seemed promising.

About 3 months before the relationship eneded we would constantly fight, it was always realted to the fact that things were not going her way. The constant fighting led to the break up but now I look back at it and can't help but to think that it is 100% my fault, I sit here agonzing over all the times I could of done this...and all the times I shouldn't of done that...Is this normal? I am 25 but have only experienced 2 relationships (serious & otherwise) Do all break ups feel like this? How can I cope with the yearning sensation to call her, for the past week I have sat at work staring into space think about every part of the relationship trying to figure out what happened and how to get her back. PLEASE HELP, I feel alone!

[Bones28]

Listen man, first of all, let me tell you how much this forum helps to air out your feelings and bring some clarity to the situation. I, like many members here have gone through rough breakups, and the one thing that ties us together, is that we know how to help each other out and survive. From what I understand, a lot of the stress on your relationship stems from arguments and fights. Now that you are broken up and have not been in contact with her for a little time, you may want to contact her. Either in writing or phone or even person. The main thing you want to do is being extremely extremely calm, talk to her about what she thought you were doing to frustrate her. Ask her what you did that instigated the fight and tell her, you did not like the person that brought out inside of you, and you would like to fix it, by hearing her first-hand account of what happened. Don't fall all over her and beg for her to take you back, but rather observe her and listen to what she says.

 

NOw, if it gets to the point, where this does not work and it seems as if the break-up is for good, then you need to heal from within. You need to take personal time for yourself to get over her and move on. The hardest part for me was realizing she was not coming back, and it is still hard to get memories out of my head. But once I was able to get over the idea of her coming back to me, I was then able to heal. I listened to music, worked out, and got a little swagger back. Heartache is like other problems; you need to acknowedlge you've been hurt, take time to cry and reflect, and then, attack it and get over it. Know how good of a person you are and dream about the next beautiful person to come into your life. Catch up with past friends who you did not have time for before and keep yourself occupied. You will eventally find that the days will go by quicker and your heartache will decrease day by day. Don;t get me wrong, there will be bad days where you will think you are strong and then you will cry or miss her, but just try and work through them. My outlet was this forum and helping others as well as writing about my problems. I believe in you buddy and know you have it in you to accomplish whatever YOU WANT TO! dont give up, dont give in, control your emotions in front of her, and you should be fine!

 

-Best of luck friend

[CarterJonas]

Hi.

 

You have done well in finding this site. As the name suggests you are not alone with your feelings.

 

It is natural to want your girlfriend back especially after a 1.5 year relationship, and also if you did not finish the relationship.

 

I don't know the exact circumstances of your breakup, but if you think it was done in haste by either party, then why not write her a letter explaining your feelings for her and your understanding that she wants some personal space to think. (Don't plead nor beg)

 

Then leave the door open for her to return if she wants to.

 

In the meantime concerntrate on yourself, go out with friends, meet new people, take up a new hobby. Force yourself to do this.

 

If your separation was final then i'm afraid that you will have to move on. Again be kind to yourself, meet up with friends...etc As time goes by you will feel better and one day meet someone new.

 

The hurt and pain of going through a breakup is never easy, but mostly all of us has to go through it several times before meeting THE person. If it was meant to be she will return.

 

Hope this is of some help to you.

[RAUL]

Yes, this is all helping allot. I feel comfort knowing that there are people all over the world going through or have gone through these feelings.

The part I can't seem to block out is the thought of her pain, I cannot stand that becuase of some of my mistakes she was forced to pull back. I I rationalize that becuase of her childhood (drug addict father/mom that was not there) that all she knows how to do is run when things don't go her way. She does not like to be hurt...its all shes ever known. As stated in the earlier post, I was the first person she ever let her walls down for and I can't help but feel guilty that I essentially did what everyone else in her life has done to her...HURT HER. Is my mind clouded in the aftermath of the breakup or is this a valid point?

[Bones28]

It is a valid point, but you still have the opportunity to try and fix it. She sounds like someone that does not forgive right away, maybe she needs time and for you to assure her how wrong you were

[drydupfob]

hey man sorry to hear about ur break up, im going through the same thing .... it sucks major....

 

I couldnt help but notice you said that she had childhood trama..... and you are fighting becomes alot of times things wont go her way..... Ya thats how my ex was..... we would be constantly fighting because she had no self esteem when things did not go her way and i would always have to be the one to be there and say its not her fault when sometimes it was..... And that just got old in a hurry........

 

my advice to you is reassess the relationship...... Was it a two way street? She cared for you as much as you cared for her..... not just verbally but showed it by her actions? or was it basically you pulling her out of a hole? I mean that is exactly what I had to do..... I know exactly how you feel right now..... me and my ex went out for a year and a half...... she broke up with me on the day of my 18th birthday..... ya its gona hurt for a while.... but just know you'll get through this......

 

Also while you are assessing the situiation ask yourself..... was the relationship going to work out in the long run..... I mean could u see your self spending the rest of your life with her.... when you do this (although is sooo freaking hard) try not to think emotionally but very rationally about the pros and con's of the relationship........

 

well i hope everythign works out.... keep posting.....

[Belle]

Raul,

It sounds like you are taking far too much responsibility for the fighting and breakup. I understand your ex, hell I am your ex. Whenever things look gloomy in a relationship I bolt because I can't deal with the pain. This last time I stopped and turned around. Because I can't always get my way and I have to take responsibility for my part of a relationship and not expect it to be perfect or not at all. You cannot do this for her. Everyone's experienced some past pain. Granted, someone who has dealt with severe abuse issuese is a lot more skittish than the average person but it's still their responsibility to work things through. I can say this because I have had to leran this myself. If later there is hope of reconciliation, there are things you can learn to fight fairly so you learn to trust each other but she's going to have to fight by the same rules. IE no yelling, listening to each other and not reacting and accepting the other person's feelings. But it sounds like you guys have a long way before that happens so get a book on relationships and communiccation. That may make you feel better while you've got the time.

 

best of luck,

 

Belle