The Beast Within

[dunnowhat]

Hello friends, this might be a lengthy post, be advised.

 

I'd like to actually just vent a little bit by typing out my current situation with my ex girlfriend and how i'm still being affected by her.

 

For about a year and a half i was in a wonderful relationship with a young woman, she was 18 i was 28. The relationship started under somewhat unfortunate circumstances and i have only myself to blame for it. This girl was seeing someone i work with and we all actually work at the same place. Needless to say that this girl did not catch my eye off the bat, but we sparked up a friendship and after a few weeks of seeing eachother, she confessed she had feelings for me.

 

I resisted for a short while but then succumbed to her. We hid our relationship from everyone, even the man she was seeing at work and also lived with, i was uncomfortable with this, but went along with it since I felt we had a certain bond that was forming and did not want to ruin it. She eventually broke up with him and we got into the thick of things.

 

As I said, for a year and a half... i was extremely happy. I felt like i had found the person that really filled just the right spot i didn't even know i had. I was in love with her. My previous serious relationship was 5 years prior and ended on a very bad note. I felt like it was my fault that things had ended and it hurt terribly. But that was 5 years ago and i felt i was waiting for "the right one" and BAM! There she was. Things were awesome, and i felt... happy.

 

I promised myself this time around that i would make this relationship incredible and make sure my girl was never neglected or unhappy, i didn't even feel like i needed to work on this one and never complained because in all honesty, i didn't have too. Things we just going to well. No fights, no arguments, just good times.

 

Now things have changed dramatically. After all this bliss... chaos incarnate. I found out she was cheating on me. How could this happen! I did everything i was supposed to do, treated her well, she moved in after 1 year and we were like best friends! My family was happy, my friends were happy, even the GUY she left me for seemed to be happy for us! But Alas... i should have seen it coming... I stepped into the bear trap and hoped for the best, I saw her manipulate her way with lies about where she was while talking to her ex at the beginning of our relationship... and never believed she would do it too me. I was obviously mistaken.

 

For four months this dragged on... She kept lying to me about the guy she was seeing ( since i kicked her out a few days after i found out) But her begging and crying only brought me back to her.. because i wanted to believe in her, in us.

 

All my friends told me to ditch this fool of a girl and move on asap... But i was dazed.. lost to the world i had with her. She would come over and sleep with me, then go back to him. It was a nightmare for me... but also caused by me. I was not strong enough to push her completely away and now i'm paying the price for it.

 

I see her at work almost everyday. We have no interaction except for a glance, but i know shes with the guy she cheated on me with.

 

Now that i've told you all this... let me tell you my problem. I have a beast within me, and it's tearing me apart. I'm still in love with this girl, or what she represented to me as a couple, yet i've learn't the hard way what cheating can do to someone and im quite fearful of ever getting back with her, not only for the sake of complete humiliation at work, but also fearful she can do it again.

 

But seeing her at work everyday, it only brings back pain, anger, love regret, hope and sadness... Its as if my brain wants to avoid her, but my heart is still attached. I keep looking for her in the hallways and almost act as if by chance she might actually see me, i should be pretending im happy so that she might get interested again. I seem to plan my every move around thinking that i might bump into her and how i will react.

 

Then i shake my head.. telling myself... * * * IS WRONG WITH ME, SHE CHEATED GOOD RIDDANCE! But then a few minutes later, im back in that "watched" mode. Im not at peace with myself, not at peace with what happened to me. As if i was better than what she did to me and she should constantly feel that. Its a vicious cycle of self destruction, and its all inside me. I keep wondering... should i be friends with her, should i talk to her... then i arrange to be in a spot i think shell be at, only to ignore her. Its like I'm trapped within my own feelings, yet god knows... she moved on.

 

I don't know if i'm the only one who ever felt this way... but every door opening, every hallway crossed, every person walking by triggers the fact that she might be there... and its draining me, but i cant stop it.

 

This thing inside me is killing me. I've been on 5 vacations this year just to get her out of my head, but she.. or it, is still there, and I'm not at peace.

 

I want that peace back, the one i had before i met her... I was single and i was not unhappy, i was just... content. Now i feel damaged, like there is an open wound every time she sees me @ work and im trying to bandage it, but its hemorrhaging and only i can stop it.

 

For a long time she was calling me and e-mailing me, and the details of that are quite extensive, But know that i just gave up on her lies, yet still want the girl i fell in love with. now i still check to see if she called or e-mailed only to be disappointed AND relieved.

 

It's like a got emotionnal cancer from this girl. She's happy, i'm troubled.. because i loved her...

 

The last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago... She sent me 2 e-mails, i deleted them without reading them, yet i'm still haunted every time i see her.

[AutumnBorn]

That torment must be nearly unbearable. I can't tell you how upset I am for you. This girl (she will probably never be a woman, least of all a lady) has emotions as deep as a coat of paint. She was never the girl you fell in love with. She only pretended to be. Why your illusion of her isn't shattered, I don't know. I haven't even met her, but just from what you've said, she's the kind of girl I'd avoid at all costs (and to whom I'd secretly feel superior).

 

You, we all, deserve better than that kind of person.

 

Can you transfer out of where ever it is you work? Another building?

[damnifyoudo]

Man Ive been there.. i dated an 18 year old for 4 months.. i left her go quick smart... she was a head f uck, i had a feeling she was getting ready to be with another guy, and she was.

 

At 18-20... most girls will not settle down... its a crazy chaotic time for hormones etc... they don't know what they want. First up you where the guy she cheated with.. then she cheated on you... im really not surprised. I know i dont know her, but young girls really dont have their head on straight.

 

You are STILL you.. you are still the person you were before you met this girl... you just need to make yourself your own reality once more.

 

It will take time and seeing her all the time will make this harder for you. Go no contact outside of work.. keep deleting her emails, and dont be her bi tch !

 

Move on.

 

She is young and is testing out her power over men.

 

I know about this beast... ITS CALLED EGO !!!! and it will eat you alive if you let it!

[dunnowhat]

I don't know why my illusion of her is not shattered either. It's becoming a serious problem, I'm guessing it will fade with time, but how long can this last? The illusion of what i had seems more potent than the actual girl. It's not as much of a nightmare as it was before, but its still there, and I'm definitely caught up in it.

 

Transferring is not really an option, ill have to stick it out, but it isn't pleasant, and I feel no one understands my plight. I'm a confused individual right now, although i show less and less of it, it still lingers within me. The lost love vs the hard truth. Brain vs Heart. Seems they have been battling for months now, and i'm the one losing.

[dunnowhat]

Nothing of this makes sense to me really. I don't get WHY im still stuck on this when i shouldn't be at all. She is still quite young and i WANT to move on like you cant imagine. Im just like... stuck. She isnt aware of this, but im so tired of HER even being a relevant issue in my life.

[damnifyoudo]

yeah i understand exactly what your going through man, but you have to concentrate on her ACTIONS.. what she did... thats all you have to think about....... its hard to believe right.

 

It is not an illusion that you need to shatter... it just that her actions have contradicted what you two have been through together in a year and a half, its along time to spend with someone. So of cause your going to go loopy in your mind. There is nothing wrong with you..

 

Hell i still am going loopy in my head over my ex and i feel stuck at times.. My motto right now is disregard woman, acquire cash

 

Its over.

 

i know you know this.. but i think thats the easiest way to handle it... get a bit angry.. she played you in the end.

 

Trust me girls know alot more than you think they do... they can sniff it just by looking at us mere males... we don't do damaged ego very well...

[damnifyoudo]

Its hard to admit this.. but we MAKE the exs a relevant part of our lives still... we let them still have power over us. You are still you.

 

Its as simple as that... get what im saying mate ?

 

Its shi t what your going through BUT you will get through.. just keep posting your thought and anything else you need to.

[dunnowhat]

thanks for the input damnifudo, Its all in my mind. Yet somehow i lost control of it, and i just cant get to get that peace back. Sometimes i see glimmers of it, then i walk into work and the loonyness starts to set in. I stil think about it at home, but its more diluded since i know i wont see her.

[dunnowhat]

oh autumn, she fooled everyone, my family my friends... every1 loved her. It was a surprise to all... especially yours truly.