Verbal abuse? not?

[troytoburn]

I've decided to start collecting as objective as possible snippets of what my mom says to me to determine whether or not she's verbally abusive, or whether I'm at fault. I'd like some opinions on this one.

 

...as a note, I'm doing this because I need to figure out whether I can seriously change the situation; and admittedly, part of me feels like there is no hope, and perhaps cutting off from my mother is what I need to do. But to get to that point I need to be 100% sure of this.

 

My mom has been getting ready for a wedding reception (that's the context). All of this happened within 5 minutes.

 

************

 

She calls me. I can sense annoyance in her voice.

 

"Come here and fix my hair. It's flat in one area and sticks out at the bottom."

 

I go and I look at the back of her head. I see the slightly flatter area and touch it with my hand. She immediately pulls away.

 

"Don't touch it," she snaps. [pause] "Make sure my hair's going toward the middle."

 

I take a comb and comb it a little instead, to fix it in the back. She pulls away again.

 

"Is it better now? No... it's not."

 

"Look... I can't fix it if you don't let me touch it." I raise my voice at this point... not even close to yelling, but a frustrated raise.

 

"Don't raise your voice. You're such a child. You're a baby." [brief pause] "Close the door."

 

[i think to myself that she wants me to close the door so that she can say mean things to me and no one will hear.]

 

"You're supposed to tease it."

 

"Your hair is short... I don't know how, because--"

 

"Because you don't know anything."

 

[i say nothing, but consider a variety of mean responses. She is liable to hit me if I really snap back, so I don't.]

 

****less than a minute later****

 

", come here."

 

I go.

 

"Can you sharpen your eyeliner pencils once in a while? I always do it."

 

"I don't because I like my pencils duller. Here... I'll sharpen them."

 

"Never mind" (she snaps, pulling away with the pencil sharpener). "I'll do it."

 

****(not even a minute later)******

 

"Come here."

 

I go.

 

"Is it better now? I teased it."

 

"Yes."

 

"Can you see the difference? Before, my scalp was showing more." [patronizing tone, in my mind]

 

"I can. It was okay before -- your scalp was barely showing at all -- but now there's more volume."

[savignon]

To me it sounds like she may be difficult, frustrating and hard to please. Part of what you can do to change the dynamic would be to say something like, "I can see you're frustrated and I need to (get ready myself, grab my lunch, use the bathroom...something that will get you in another room). I'll be back in 15 minutes." This way you give yourself your own time and space without completely cutting her out of your life.

[odile]

savignon's advice is solid.

Your mom does sound like a major pain-in-the-rear.

The one thing that stands out as a major concern is that you say she will hit you?

 

Nothing you have said indicates any fault on your part,

but for your own sake, try drawing some boundaries about what sort of behaviour you will and won't tolerate from her.

[jenna-is-here]

It doesnt sound right. She is probably no happy with herself. Tell her if she is not going to treat you with respect, you can not help her. (draw your boundries).

[troytoburn]

Hmm.... definitely solid advice! I like the idea of drawing boundaries. This situation all happened so fast, I'm not sure a "I need to do [something else] for a moment" would help in this round, but then again, I didn't try it and it sounds like a good solution.

 

@odile... well... yes. Every time I really respond, she hits. But then, I've known not to do it so many times that the actual physical part is usually avoided.

[savignon]

Hmm.... definitely solid advice! I like the idea of drawing boundaries. This situation all happened so fast, I'm not sure a "I need to do [something else] for a moment" would help in this round, but then again, I didn't try it and it sounds like a good solution.

 

@odile... well... yes. Every time I really respond, she hits. But then, I've known not to do it so many times that the actual physical part is usually avoided.

 

It's a whole other issue if she hits you. That's not okay. In that case the boundary would have to be a lot clearer. The thing that stood out to me in your post was the repeated "I go (to her when she calls)". It's like every time she calls you over so that you can be an outlet for her anger, you comply. That can be the first thing you stop. May I ask how old you are? If you're still living at home, that would require some intervention and I might have some suggestions. If you're independent from her, then you can simply say "the way you talk to me is not okay. Hitting me is not okay and I won't be around it any longer which means not being around you any longer. That's not how I want our relationship to be but until you find other ways to deal with your anger, you won't be seeing me."

By going to her and being on the recieving end of her rants/rages, you are enabling her. She doesn't need to really look at her anger and she doesn't need to even admit it has nothing to do with you....if you're there for her to take it out on, she never has to examine it or deal with it any other way. It would be a gift to her to get out of her "way" and let her face the truth. Perhaps when she sees how destructive it is and has nothing to "destroy" in return, she will be faced with the reality of having to develop some other coping skills (which don't involve belittling you, hitting you, being demanding of you, etc.)

Her choice of words didn't seem "abusive" to me, but hitting you is another story!! I'm sorry if I missed that in your original post.

Set some boundaries. It's not okay for her (or anyone) to treat you like this and you don't need to go to them when they call on you to be on the recieving end of their unmanaged rage.

[Kamue]

Generally, if you've had time to really consider if she is verbally abusing you, I mean like you've been thinking about it for a long time toying with the idea and really reasoning with yourself about it, she is abusing you. She makes you feel bad on a regular basis, makes you feel insignificant, stupid, small or whatever, she is abusing you. There is a huge difference between being a frustrated person or a difficult person and being an abuser. We all get frustrated and a lot of times, people are hard to deal with because maybe they are being irrational, brash or doubtful of something. But they aren't telling you all your follies and downfalls just because they feel that way. We all can take out our negative emotions in constructive ways that don't include hurting someone. We all have feelings, we all feel sad sometimes or angry, hurt or depressed, but those feeling should never lead to someone else's pain or even pain inflicted on themselves. Maybe she does feel remorse for saying mean things to you, or slapping you or whatever, but that still doesn't change what she did. My boyfriend was seriously physically abused as a child by his stepdad. He told me that he'd get beaten for something and then he could tell that his stepfather felt guilty because he'd make him a chocolate milk or take him to the park. But that still didn't change what he was doing. Being nice after doesn't amend or erase the pain inflicted. It's a serious change your mother needs to make before she stops doing what she's doing. But for now, you have to stay calm, take deep breaths and try to not take everything she says so personally. If I were you, I would explicitly say something like, "you are deliberately being mean to me and it makes me feel bad. So until you can stop saying these things, I am going to leave for a while." Don't lie to her, but don't be to harsh either. try to be calm and strong and know that what she says is abuse and not truth.

[blindfold]

lol no, that doesn't sound verbally abusive at all.. it may be that your mother is frustrated about smt, and if that kind of communication isn't very frequent, I'd say you're ok.

[BriarRose]

Yes, I would consider some of her comments verbal abuse or at the very least things that a parent should not say to a child, such as telling them they don't know anything.