I never thought I'd be here - especially now.

[neverthought]

Am I alone? This has been the worst time in my life it seems. I am newly married, 7 months.. and now I am pregnant (3 mos). The horrible thing is I am already divorced once and have a perfect 5 year old daughter. This time, I thought I found the perfect man, no addictions, no abuse, no cheating history, he loved me, treated us great, we wanted the same things.. all that.. After a year and a half we were married, and our relationship went bad. To spare all the details, when we fight, it is nasty... yelling, screaming, name calling, dredging up the past, one fight turns into fighting about so many other things. I don't know exactly what's going to happen.. we tried counseling, but got nowhere, I guess because when we are happy with each other we don't try to fix the bad, but one little thing will set off a fight, and his anger is so bad - he even hit a fist print in a door of the house we just bought. And I get mad too, and I shout because he doesn't listen, but makes up things he thinks I've said, more often I just want to be left alone, but he follows me from room to room wanting to resolve it, but the fight just gets louder and louder. Thank goodness my 5 year old has always been with her dad when these fights happen.

 

I just don't know how much more I can take. He has always wanted a baby, we agreed on that and thought it would be wonderful.. Afterall, my last pregnancy was horrible, as my ex and I were divorcing at that time as well. So you can see why the fact now that I am pregnant is probably affecting me more. I wanted a happy pregnancy, a together pregnancy. and although he is so looking forward to the baby, I just can't live with this fighting anymore and neither can he. This is unbearable.

 

I'll be honest, I'm scared of another divorce - raising another child half the time.. I wanted a family so bad, I wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids and take care of my husband, but not like this.. When every plan we have goes down the drain because of this fighting.. it's just not healthy..

 

I guess what I'm afraid of also is the stigma, two divorces, two kids. I mean I am a well educated woman, with a great job, in my late 20's, 5'10", 125lbs, never a problem getting a date, I only say that because so it's not like I am settling for these guys or desperate, I swear things just changed when we moved in together after the wedding. I only say this because I wasn't raised thinking this was OK, to divorce and have split families, I am completely devasated. I want the family so bad, but not like this - will anyone ever think I am good quality after this?

[JonnyG]

what are u actually argueing about?

 

When your not angry u really need to discuss this problem. Perhaps try to agree that if a fight starts that u both swallow your pride and walk away from it instead of continuing, and only when u have calmed down perhaps try to resolve it in a more civilised manner.

[JohnnyRingo]

well thats why people usaully move in with eachother before they get married, because even though you may love the person, living with them is a completely different issue. but anyway, what kind of things do you fight about. who usually starts the fights. only thing i can think of is anger managment for both of you mabey. it sounds like he definitely needs it and it couldnt hurt you. but you be the judge of that. when you start an argument try to stay calm, dont yell. im not really sure what else to tell you but good luck!

[1Adam12]

If you ask me you should both just cease fire..think about this..you say each time you 2 fight your 5 year old has been with her day..who'se to say your not gonna fight when she's there?..it will happen you may say it won't but it will..

 

You say you've tried counseling..how hard did you to try it? did you really want it to work? did you put any effort on BOTH sides to try to make it work??

 

You two both need to sit and down and act civil and discuss this matter without either ones temper or ego getting in the way cause if you don't this will just get worse..one day a neighbor will hear your fighting and call the police..you might say no that won't happen but you never know..

 

Phillip

[neverthought]

Thank you for the replies - My daughter has been with her dad during these fights, but I worry about the baby on the way.

 

Our fights are about so many things. His job, he is 100% commission and he'll tell me he is getting paid, but then nothing comes for a month or more, and I feel the stress but when I inquire, he will get REAL defensive and that will start a fight. Or sex, I want it more, I at least want initiation on his part sometime, I do want attention. But it sometimes goes for weeks and by that point I am so sad and hurt - he will blame it on stress from work, or tired, etc and I get mad because its almost like a personal insult. Not making time for each other, not setting time aside or ideas for dates. One fight was about porn on his computer (my ex was addicted to drugs, then transfered to porn after NA, so this is touchy for me)(I know, even though I love sex) but I saw it on his computer, the only time yes, but when I asked him he said it came on the screen and he only pushed next a couple times... I counted 27, so that hurt me and went back to a fight about our own intimacy. That fight only happened once because I've never seen porn again, and I do trust him. Money has become a big fight, mainly his job is so unpredicable and I feel the burden, but my job is so stessful and we decided that I will stay home when the baby is born, that is just our belief, so admittedly I am stressed about not seeing steady income, although he has had good months in the beginning of the year (30K in one month). Things are tight now. I guess typical stuff, but the fights are so heated and then we don't talk to for days, and I cry for days. And more so I cry because this baby was supposed to be such a happy thing.

[neverthought]

Oh, and we tried counseling before we got pregnant - when we found out I was pregnant, we were on cloud 9 for several weeks, complete bliss - that has sure faded.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me, but it sure does seem hard to face living like this again.

[Eh Im Canadian]

Wow, you sound a lot like my mom does now, except she isn't pregnant. She and my dad argue about stuff all the time, and she gets mad because he never takes any initiative. Unfortunately, my mom also gets really mad at my dad, and they start saying things about each other that they don't always remember. Sometimes in the heat of the argument, people forget what they say. The only reason they had proof was because I was there and stood as an unbiased witness. Ok, what you need to do is relax a little. Maybe you need to take the initiative in these fights, and just stop the fighting. Maybe he'll follow by examples. Just admitting you were wrong and saying I am sorry works wonders. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, if he thinks you are wrong, then you should try it, it will help. All you gain from fighting with him is hurt and sadness. Who wants that? Usually, those are the things you try to get rid of, but fighting more, just keeps them going. You need to love him for who he is, not for his money, or for the fact that you would be embarrassed if you were divorced. That is a terrible reason to stay married. If you don't love him, then you don't love him. But I think you care about him, so I think what you should do is be the person to show by example. You cant keep showinh your daughter a fake person her entire life. You have to show her who you are, not pretend to be someone else when she is looking. Eventually, she'll grow up, and since you are fighting all the time, the cycle will begin anew. She will have the fact that fighting is normal ingrained in her head from the age of 2. Is that what you want? Or do you want to teach her that fighting is the wrong thing, and it is better to work things out peacefully? One is hard, one is easy, but it's the choice you made when you became a parents. Being a parent is incredibly difficult, and it takes a lot of curage and perserverence to do it. All I can leave you with is the hope that you will make the right choice, and Good Luck.

[sisterlynch]

What can you do to avoid the conflict in the first place?

 

To me it sounds like your hormones are playing a big role in the relationship between the two of you. I wonder how your relationship is with your first husband now that he sees that you are going through this with your second husband too.

 

I really would like you to talk to the OB GYN about your mood swings. I know that it is difficult to blame yourself when it is always your husband's fault that you are getting angry.

 

There seems to be a pattern of expectations that aren't getting met. 5'10" and 125 seems low for a pregnant woman, did the Doc say anything about your weight? How is the health of your daughter? If she isn't aware of the fighting, how shocking it will be when she does see this the first time. It may be extremely overwhelming to your daughter when she sees the stress that you are under handling men and babies, what sort of a conclusion might a 5 year old girl draw from what she sees?

 

The next time you argue, stop and think for a second or two what a 5 yr old girl will think when she sees you fighting like this. What can you do to change the pattern of fighting? How do you respect the men after this? How do you show that you love and respect someone, what are you doing to the self esteme of the people in your life?

[Darknova12]

to me, it sounds like money might be a huge issue here (along with, as sisterlynch pointed out, hormones) my parents used to have fights all the time, that boiled down to money, my dad was in a similar position as your husband, hes a contractor, but sometimes, even though his income looked wonderful on paper, his clients wouldnt pay him ontime etc. (bassically alot of ups and downs, 3-4 months without any income, then all of a sudden a month with almost 100,000 dollars) etc. it was the baseline of all the other fights and I think after all this time i've figured it out...

 

we live in such a society that money is almost all-importent- we need it to live, we almost need it to have happiness, the only source of true happiness left is love and friendship in my opinion, my parents finally realized this, and stoped fighting (much to my relief)

 

as for the actual cuase of fights, try not talking about the subjects in question until your both calm, he doenst sound unreasonable, the important thing to remember is calm...if he gets angry, dont yell, walk away, eventually you'll get ur point accross

 

as for porn, ask him sometime why he bothers when he has a wife? (especially one that wants MORE sex?) anyway just my input.

 

 

hope you to work things out!!

 

-- Darknova

 

P.S. -- some marriages have teething problems too that can last up to a year...and with the quick shift in hormones on your part (no offense) things might be heating up?

[neverthought]

Thanks y'all.. First off, our fights don't really happen about money - they happen when I question, like "when did you say you were getting paid", because I need to know if I need to work extra, and he flips out. It will start because he is on the defensive and I know he is self conscious about his own job and success.. He's been doing his job for less than 2 years and I supported him going into this field. I don't need money, I am pretty simple, the most important thing to me is family, not jewelry or dinners out or a new car. I swear. Our fights usually happen because of a regular conversation getting turned into something horrible by his imagination - I swear sometimes I wonder what it is he thinks he hears. He won't ask for clarification if he thinks I am insinuating something, he just gets moody and pissed. The things I listed are what comes out of these fights.

 

As far as the hormones, I agree they can play a part. I have not been moody this pregnancy, but I do notice I will cry for days after these fights, when before I will just move on. I am so much more sad.. But we contemplated divorce before I got pregnant, right after the wedding.. I know nice.. please don't give me a hard time about getting pregnant, we thought we worked things out, it was just after wedding stress or something. But I'm here now and it sucks. Oh, and the 125 was pre-pregnancy, I've gained 10 lbs these 3 months and am healthy, I just have a small build. I have NEVER thought about having an eating problem, quite the opposite, I love to eat! But I do appreciate the concern.

 

I just get so sad, this weekend was supposed to be a weekend trip with friends, cancelled.. so many get togethers, dates, dinners, ruined! I hate this!

 

And as far as the ex- he doesn't know about the fighting. And with him, he turned into a drug addict after we were married and stole money from the family, got almost kicked out of the military and then turned to porn in a horrible obsession. Different. And we don't see each other, we talk rarely for our daughters sake, but nothing personal.

 

I promise, I am not upset with him about not making more money, but I do wish I could talk to me fears to him without him getting so mad. After the fight he will apologize and say he was just stressed that day.. yadayada. After so many times, it doesn't mean as much. And it makes me regret that I can't talk to him..

 

I do get upset when he doesn't take the initiative, but coming at him anger won't fix anything, it's usually after I mention something, then he gets all annoyed and throws out a dozen excuses as to why not, then I get mad too because instead of listening to what hurts me, he is quick to point out why I shouldn't be hurt. It's like a catch 22.

 

I'm sure he is stressed out with work, the new idea of supporting a family, juggling all that.. But that is life - we will have stress our whole lives and there always will be something to juggle.. I just can't live like this - we fight like clockwork every other week, and it lasts for DAYS. He used to be so patient and we only had one argument while we were dating, over a year, this is why it is taking me so offguard. I am seeing so much anger that I did not know was there.

[neverthought]

So here's a question.. and I guess the main reason I found a place to get this out. Where is a middle road?

 

To treat myself with respect and keep my healthy for this baby, these fights have to stop.. And over the months it seems they only stop if I just avoid him. I need time to get myself in a better place, right now I have become so depressed thinking about this, and what we've missed, and mistakes I probably made by this marriage and so many other things that aren't healthy for my body to dwell on. I do not want my daughter to see that leaving is how you fix relationships, obviously there was nothing I could do with her dad, which is why this is tearing me up so bad, I feel like a failure when it comes to picking men. I tried to do it right, date, not live together, make sure he was family orientated, etc.

 

But now I just want to lock myself in a room and forget that I live with him. Not sure what that will accomplish except the fact that I can figure out where I need to be. Absorbing myself with this stress is terrible.

 

Our pattern is fight, not talk for a couple days, or if we do it turns into another fight. Like today he came home to shout at me through a closed door that I was being unfair. He didn't ask to talk and those were his first words. I don't even know what he was getting at. I feel trapped in my own home. But then we make up, and everything is great for a week or so. I believe him, we talk about needing to calm down next time and ask if we think someone is being offensive - but then it happens again.

 

I just want to ignore him for a while and do my own thing.. Like go to work, take care of the house, go for a drive etc.. I don't know how else to keep my sanity.

[Eh Im Canadian]

Excuse me for being so obvious, but your problem here is the fighting. I know there are other factors, like pregnancy, job income, and your ex, but what you really need to work on is fighting. The expression "It takes 2 to fight" has been drilled into most of our heads since we were in preschool. So, I'll bet I know a really simple way to avoid fighting! Just stop them yourself. Admit it, when you ask him questions, like when he'll get paid, you have a good reason for it, but you also have an ulterior motive. You want to know more about his job, and since he obviously isn't comfortable with it, maybe you should stop. Do the extra work when you think it is necessary. You told us that your goal was to be a stay-at-home mom . I guess that seems kind of selfish to me. It will probably end up with more and more fights. Your goal is to be the ideal family, and be like those couples from the movies, but just so you know, they almost never exist. Strive for something more probable, like having a good relationship with your husband. HE is the one you are supposed to love most, not your children. I'm not saying you shouldn't love your children too, but you can't love everybody most. Thats like having 7 best friends. In reality, you can only have one, no matter what you want. The others can be good friends, but not "best". Every time you think you are going to lose control of your anger, remember which is better, actually having a happy life, or winning one stupid argument that you probably don't care about very much anyway.

[sisterlynch]

The other thing to think about is that you already have one marriage and one child under your belt and this other guy doesn't have that experience.

 

I don't feel like you are being fair with these "gentlemen," that only want you and your love. That is what I was trying to get to with the idea of respect, and you never really mentioned how your daughter is doing, I assume that she is in school? How do you show respect and love to your husbands? How do you show that your daughter needs to respect others, ie teachers, coaches or daycare workers?

 

The man that you are married to is in a very vulnerable position in society, like your child he depends upon you to teach him to love and respect others. If you don't show respect and love to him and to society -- how will he or the children know that they are wanted and loved?

[Scout]

Dear eh? I'm Canadian...

 

That is incredible advice. I can't believe you are only 16, and already have such a finely tuned perception, and good old common sense!

 

Neverthought...I think your marriage can be saved, I really do. You may never have a "Beaver Cleaver" family, but you can have a loving, supporting one. It will take lots of patience, and dedication, but you can do it.

 

Work on the fighting, absolutely. When you two learn how to communicate without pushing each other's hot buttons, the problems will be much more manageable. In fact, have a talk with each some night about your "hot buttons", and write up and sign a contract that says both of you will avoid pushing them, no matter how angry you get. It may seem weird to actually write a contract, but I've heard this is very effective for relationship conflicts.

 

Hang in there!