My friend wants me to trust her but I'm having a hard time doing so...

[friend358]

In 2008, my friend completely quit talking to me; no reason, no explanation, NOTHING. I knew she was going through an EXTREMELY hard time, and that she was going to Thailand to stay with some family friends for a month... But she didn't say bye, she didn't tell me if I had done anything or offered no explanation. I didn't even know if she was ok or alive. After many months, I went to see her mom at work, and asked how my friend was doing. Even her mom said they hardly heard from her. I saw my friend's other friends and even they said they hadn't heard from her.

 

A year and a half went by, & I decided to send flowers (for her birthday) to her boyfriend's condo (where she was staying)... Something in my heart just told me this would be the time to do it. I left my number (because she had gotten a new phone within the year and a half), & I told her I hoped she was doing well and asked if we could start over (although I didn't know what had happened) and for the first time, in a year and a half, she contacted me via text, said she missed me & would love to catch up. She told me she wanted to see me, that I was so thoughtful to send the flowers and remember her birthday. She said she was no longer with her bf but he was nice enough to text her what my card said. She initiated a meeting, & she apologized many times for ever hurting me & said she was "in a very dark place" & that she disconnected from everyone. When we reconnected, she had gone through school to redirect her career path and had left her bf, moved in with her parents and got a new career. This was in March when we reconnected. It was as if nothing had changed. We have gotten alot closer, kept in contact every day at first-, & have spent as much time together as possible.

 

Here we are almost 5 months after we reconnect, & I feel like she is withdrawing again. I understand the initial "want to see you or talk to you everyday now that we've reconnected" has worn off, & it's ok. But she assures me that she doesn't want me to think she doesn't have time or care. Lately, from her actions, I can't help but feel she doesn't have time or care. I understand she has a pretty tough job with long hours. Sometimes, she'll act clingy towards me, and other times, I feel like she doesn't have concern to give me the time of day, but she has always come around within a couple days. She is very stoic and emotionally unavailable at times. Sometimes, she's scared to really talk about her feelings. I worry if she will do this to me again. She's just been very distant this week. Is it too much to ask that she return a text or say she's busy or say SOMETHING after 2 days of me waiting for a reply? My text was to tell her I'd like to see her soon when she has some free time. She's never just NOT responded to me in two days. I just think she could at least say something maybe after she got off work to let me know she wasn't ignoring me. Honestly, after what happened, how am I supposed to know she's not ignoring me, just because she tells me I can trust her? I feel like I have a right to be a little paranoid because of what happened in the past. I feel like she should be willing to take more initiative to let me know that I can still trust her. Am I being too sensitive?

 

I thought about just sending her a message simply asking her how she's doing... that i hadn't heard from her in a few days... In NO way do I want to accuse her of ignoring me, so I'm not sure if that would be appropriate. I just can't get it off my mind. It's just a struggle between my head & my heart. I want to trust her, but on the other hand, I wanted to trust her a year and a half ago... I feel like things of the past should be left in the past, but I just can't get that situation out of my mind. She apologized, & I forgave her. I think everyone deserves a second chance, so I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. What she did a year & a half ago really hurt me & she knows that. I'm just scared it's going to happen again. The part that makes it worse, is that she KNOWS how sensitive i am about her getting back to me because of what happened. I just need someone else's opinion because I don't want to over react if there's nothing to worry about. If she wants a break, or is going through a hard time, or has just been busy, for goodness sake, I think I deserve to know something instead of having to wait for a convenient time for HER.

[Xylitol]

Your approuch towards a depressed person is all wrong, your approuch should be something like:

 

Blessed the person who does not expect anything, for that person shall not be dissapointed.

 

The reason why you got hurt is because your expectations that you had towards her were not fulfilled, this is why your heart got heart in the first place.

 

I tell you right here right now that its wrong "from your side" to invest your precious emotional feelings into a depressed persons life. The reason is that they will only 'drag' you into their 'black hole' of misery. And effectively 'her misery' becomes 'your misery'. Oh i have problems with bf, da da da , bla bla bla, then they go on not sharing their feelings with you (which they dont because they become ego centric around their own problems)

 

Its important to understand that they don't do these things to hurt you, they do it because of their problems they forget about the world around them , currently your friend is sinking into another depression.

 

So what do you do?

 

The first thing is to 'accept that she has a problem',

 

The second thing is to ' not putting up any expectations on her ', that way you emotionally protect yourself, and here comes the important life lesson.

 

Don't try to help someone if it means you get completely destroyed as a result of it.

 

Self preservation is the nr.1 law of nature,

Afteral,how can you help others if you get destroyed in the process?

 

So after you've put up some healthy emotional distance , you can start helping her. You do this by telling her that she should visit a psychiatrist, and because you stopped putting emotional expectations on her, you can say to yourself 'im not expecting anything anymore' and instead i'll just enjoy the positive things that hopefully do come out of the relationship.

 

So instead of seeing the relationship with her as a sun that constantly needs to shine, you'll see that friendship with her is more about enjoying the small flashes of light like shooting stars in the darkness of her depression.

 

I hope that made sense for you.

[friend358]

I have been in her position as well. We all get depressed, we all have hard times. Your advice was very insightful and I hadn't considered it from that point of view. I know that people deal with things differently, but when I am extremely down or at a breaking point, I don't withdraw from people. That is when I need support the most. We are very close friends. I would almost consider her one of my best friends. Today, I had sent her a message and said I was worried about her. She responded, and she told me about what had happened in the past couple days and it is very hard for her. She said she was about to lose it, as in break down, and I know that is a scary place for her when she says things like that and how much she went into detail about things today.

 

I knew something was wrong. However, I can't wrap my mind around how someone could abandon their friends or not even ask for support. It's not all about me, but I had just felt disrespected. I guess I was being naiive or vulnerable and felt took it personally. I have never just thought of her as a "sun that constantly needed to shine", but I never understood how a person could hold her emotions in and be that way either. Now I know, and I have a better understanding. How could I suggest counseling without being offensive? Thank you again. Your reply was very helpful.