Feeling very anxious about meeting boyfriend's ex crush/love!

[Angel_325]

Hi all. My boyfriend's company is throwing a BBQ party tomorrow and I think his ex crush (huge crush!) is going to be there because of a mutual friend. He says he is over her but they have kept in touch via email from time to time. I am worried that his feelings for her could return when he sees her. It's not that I am afraid he'll leave me because I know he is very much in love with me, but I would feel awful if he had some feelings for her. I could not accept him having feelings for someone other than me.

 

When we met he still liked her and when we talk about our past experiences he sometimes says that "She's the only other person that I would have seriously considered" or "She's the only other person that came close". I am not sure what he means by came "close". I am not sure if he means close to how he feels about me or close to just being the type of person he would want a long-term relationship with. We've been together for almost a year and things are pretty good. He says that I'm much better than anyone else from his past (I assume he means her as well). But then when he says things like the quotes above... My boyfriend and her never had a relationship but he was after her for almost a year. She has a boyfriend who lives in another country and that's why things never took off. She has a lot of male friends. It almost seems like she has all these guy friends because her boyfriend is away and she hasn't seen him in a long time (about 2 years) and needs male attention. She is a very nice girl and that is why my boyfriend wants to be friends with her because she's also fun to hang out with, but I am uneasy about this entire situation and seeing her.

[geekgirl4]

Ooph, that can be an awkward situation. The best thing you can do is.....*drumroll*... be yourself! You are the person your bf is with and he is with you because you are you - simple! Don't be nervous but don't be too talkative and loud (unless that's who you are!). Most of all, have fun - this always puts you in a positive light.

[SheBrokeMe]

I could not accept him having feelings for someone other than me.

 

Sad thing is selfish comments like that never help a relationship because.. even if you "cannot accept it" its bound to happen. A relationship involves two people. And its normal for people to have attractions/feelings. As long as the feels are dealt with responsibly there should be no issues.

 

That said... Feelings are one thing, respect is another. If you and he know he has/had serious feelings for this girl. Its TOTALLY OK for you to expect him to avoid contact with her. I for one would find it disrespectful if a girlfriend who was dating me was also interested in being good friends with her ex in this fashion.

[Teaday]

I agree with geekgirl4. Relax, and if you must, put on a facade for the BBQ. Even if you feel unbearably awkward or uncomfortable, rising above it will show that you can handle these types of situations gracefully and without the dramatics. No point in causing problems for fear that there might be a problem in the future, right?

 

Just keep on telling yourself that everything is fine, and try to have a good time.

[Angel_325]

Sad thing is selfish comments like that never help a relationship because.. even if you "cannot accept it" its bound to happen. A relationship involves two people. And its normal for people to have attractions/feelings. As long as the feels are dealt with responsibly there should be no issues.

 

That said... Feelings are one thing, respect is another. If you and he know he has/had serious feelings for this girl. Its TOTALLY OK for you to expect him to avoid contact with her. I for one would find it disrespectful if a girlfriend who was dating me was also interested in being good friends with her ex in this fashion.

 

The thing is when I discussed it with my boyfriend he said he would not be okay with me having feelings/crush for someone while in a relationship either, despite the fact that he had feelings for her when we started dating. But he said they went away and probably would not come back, except maybe momentarily.

 

He has had contact with her despite me being vocal that it makes me feel uncomfortable. But it's not entirely his fault as she is the one who makes contact with him usually. He does feel it would be out of line for me to ask him to stop, so I have not because I don't want to control him, but he has never offered to stop. He said he'll stop if I gave him an ultimatum (me or her) but that he doesn't want her to feel like he only used her to be friends with because he liked her. That is why he keeps in touch with her. Plus he says she's a very nice person and fun to hang out with.

[geekgirl4]

Hmm, the only danger in what your bf said is that he might have said it to justify his own situation - being with someone while having some feelings for someone else. For now, let's tackle one thing at a time - the party. Put on your best face and try to have as much fun as you can at the party. If anything happens, don't freak out and just calmly store it away to think about later. We at ENA all support you so be strong and do your best!

[geekgirl4]

P.s. I'm not sure if I'm getting what SheBrokeMe said, but I think if you love someone, you have have feelings for only them. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to think other people are attractive or nice, but when you start having feelings is when you start treading in dangerous waters. Feelings go deeper and is embodied with the idea that you want that person just for yourself, not shared with others. Feeling attracted to someone can be like this. THINKING someone is attractive is a very different thing and just implies that you admire a trait about them, but wouldn't think of considering them someone you want for yourself.

 

But that's just me : )

[Angel_325]

P.s. I'm not sure if I'm getting what SheBrokeMe said, but I think if you love someone, you have have feelings for only them. It's perfectly normal and acceptable to think other people are attractive or nice, but when you start having feelings is when you start treading in dangerous waters. Feelings go deeper and is embodied with the idea that you want that person just for yourself, not shared with others. Feeling attracted to someone can be like this. THINKING someone is attractive is a very different thing and just implies that you admire a trait about them, but wouldn't think of considering them someone you want for yourself.

 

But that's just me : )

 

Thanks for your support everyone! I agree with you geekgirl4. I would not care much if he was simply attracted to her because I am attracted to other men and that's normal. What I would have a problem with is if he actually started to feel something more than a physical attraction. Some people may believe it's normal to have feelings for someone else while in a committed relationship, but I do not. Attraction and feelings are two different things to me.

 

He once told me that "she's the only other person I would seriously consider" "the only person who came close" and I just wonder what he meant by that. He constantly tells me that I'm much better than anyone else he used to like so I'm assuming he means her as well. But what he said above just makes me wonder if his feelings would come back.

[blue20]

don't worry. it will be a little akward but try to befriend with her. it will look great this way and you'll feel good about everything.

[geekgirl4]

It's difficult, but you shouldn't try to compare yourself to other girls - exes or crushes or supermodels. You are a different person from them, inside and out. The only thing that can make a difference is that you stay yourself and be happy with who you are. It's your boyfriends choice to be with who he wants and he's with YOU. Have some confidence. And if in the small chance he does still have feelings for that girl, then it's NOT because you are inadequate in any way by comparison!