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interest paired with disinterest?? any advice?


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Hey all,

I'm just hoping that someone could shed some light on my friend's behavior. Ok here's the scoop.

I visited a friend of mine over the weekend. I've told him a few times that I wanted to visit his city, and have just never gotten around to it, or plans have fallen through. So, I finally went. He picked me up from the airport fri evening and we went to hang out with some of his friends, and then we went back to his house. We were sitting on the couch and he asked me if I wanted to lay down beside him. I was like, ok, sure...so I did. We were watching tv, and he was stroking my arm, and trying to tickle me. I ended up falling asleep. He started blowing air on my face to wake me up, and I turned towards him like "what do you want??" and then he went in to kiss me. I didn't really expect it, it took me by surprise (probably because I was waking up, lol). Anyway, I kissed him back, and we kissed for a bit, then stopped. That happened 3 times total. Nothing else really happened, except he grabbed my ass and that's it...

So the next morning he made me breakfast and we chatted, he asked about my previous relationships and how long ago was my last one, length of it, etc. We talked about that "honeymoon phase" that couples go through and I told him that I try to think with my head more, and pay attention to the "red flags". He asked me what those were and what I look for in a guy and I told him. He mentioned that he was seeing how he matched up to what I was saying.

Ok, so the rest of my visit (which was 3 days)...he never tried to kiss me again, or cuddle at night, the most physical contact was a few pokes in the ribs, or randomly putting his arm around me for a second or two. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't really reciprocate...actually it didn't feel natural for me to do so...just the way things were going. So I just played it cool all weekend. I don't know...he was very hard to read...like just hot and cold all weekend. It was almost like he was trying to be cold. Like he would have some sort of contact and then catch himself! For example, he let me sleep in his bed, and he slept on the couch. One morning he woke me up and started to crawl on the bed towards me but quickly got off the bed...

I ended up asking him what the kissing was about on the night that I got there, and he asked me what I meant. I said well, what was it about? Like why did you do it? Were you just curious or what?

He was a little surprised by the question, and I could tell that he didn't really know what to say, so the response I got was, "ya...I was curious".

I left it at that, I wanted to probe a bit more, but didn't know if it was worth it.

We got to the airport and he walked me inside, and we said our goodbyes, and I got....a side hug! lol. He never mentioned anything about me coming back or him coming out to visit me.

So...I gather from what happened, that perhaps he wasn't really feeling me the rest of the weekend, or I said something that turned him off, or he was deliberately trying to show disinterest....it's just confusing to me how ppl show interest paired with disinterest!

Maybe I've already answered my own questions, but any advice you ENA people could give me would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance....sorry for the long post!

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Oh brother do you have that one nailed. The whole interested today and disinterested tomorrow routine gets really old. It usually causes me to reciprocate with the same behavior. However you said a couple of things that would have turned me off. One is that you didn’t really reciprocate his attempts at showing affection or interest beyond the first kiss. Of course I may understand that if he was acting hot and cold. Maybe he was unsure about how he felt about you. Maybe he felt unsure about how you felt about him.


If I don’t feel sure a girl likes me then I freeze up and everything turns into hesitation. I will back off and probably act kind of hot and cold like you were describing. Hot because I do like her a lot but cold because I get some vibe that she doesn’t really like me back or I have no real chance at the kind of relationship I really want with her. Often I feel I am getting conflicted messages from her that make her seem interested sometimes and not really interested others. That gets frustrating and confusing and will cause me to back off and do the whole hot/cold thing. This is where really good feedback from the girl can make a BIG difference. Really bad feedback or the lack of any kind of feedback or too many mixed signals can also destroy it completely.

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Yeah I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to do...usually after the first kiss I know what's up, but this guy...the physical contact the next day really seemed to me like we were friends...like he wasn't that interested...there was no flirtatious feel behind the gestures. Do you know what I mean?


Part of me really thinks that he really wasn't interested in me (he is a very confident guy and I think he is used to girls fawning over him all the time) and the other part of me is thinking that I should have taken the initiative. As in not payed attention to his hot/cold attitude and just let him know that I liked him!


Aye aye...ok so thank you for the insight t3nder!! I feel as though something may have clicked in my head here, lol. What do you think I could do now? Do you think it is destroyed completely??

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Depends on whether or not he has moved on to someone else. If he liked you a lot then he isn’t going to get over you anytime soon if he is anything like me. It can take me MONTHS to get over a girl I really really liked. So if that girl were to ever come to me and just open up and admit she liked me or make a serious move she’d still get me. As long as she didn’t outright reject me or hurt me in some way then there is usually a good chance she can get me if she makes a real move.

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Thanks t3nder v1ttl3s...I sent him a really nice email last week thanking him for entertaining me all weekend and introducing me to his family and friends and told him that if he ever wanted to come and visit me in the future I would love to extend the same courtesy to him as he did to me. I told him that we should keep in touch also.


He replied this morning, said "hello darling" (I don't know if that means anything) and said that his parents liked me a lot and thought I was really nice. Told me also that it was no problem to entertain me. He never replied to the coming and visiting me part but said that we will stay in touch "for sure!!".


It's difficult because we live 5 hrs apart from each other by plane, so nothing can really materialize here. I have been trying to move to his city for a while now because I've been trying to get a job with the government. My friend's city is the hub for the majority of government departments.


So I'm just going to leave it for now...just stay friendly and see if anything happens when I finally move there for work!

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