I have to admit I am still a mess 4.5 years after my ex husband left

[adequate]

I am still VERY hurt after over 4.5 years later when my ex husband left me. I don't think about him, miss him or wish we were back together (he left me for a co-worker and now he is living out of my state married to her) but the hurt still lingers on the inside of me. I do see a therapist about this and also how to deal with my disability as well. I have not dated at all since he left and I have also posted on my still strong libido at 46 years old.

 

Since he left I got myself a job and 4 months ago I moved into a condo I bought all on my own with no help or money from anyone. My attitude is now that I own my own place I will never be able to be in another relationship and the dream of buying a home with the love of my life will just stay a dream. Many of you can say it could happen but I am 46 and just commited to a 30 year mortgage and this place is not big enough for another person. But I do not want to sell it or rent it out either. The biggest reason of not wanting to meet someone and living together is I don't want to end up in the same place in the end where we break up and I am left with nothing. I am too old for that now. I can't trust it because of course there are no guarantess. So I am left with finding a companion but I am afraid in the end it won't be enough and I will want to live with him. My parent's are still together after 56 years and my brother and sister are still married to their spouses 25+ years. All my Aunts and Uncle's are still married. I am the oddball.

 

I don't know if I am making any sense but I know I am screwed up. I hope in the end I can make peace with all this and be happy with what ever i decide I really want.

 

Thank you all for listening.

[Puckdog27]

You can always sell the condo and buy a house with the new love. Have you tried counseling? 4.5 years is a long time. Talking with someone may help you heal.

 

Edit: sorry, I went back and reread you see a therapist.

[adequate]

Hi Puckdog27. One of the biggest struggles I have is I don't want to buy a house with someone is if it ends I would be in a worse place than I am in now if we have to sell the house. I like having my own place that is my own no matter what happens. I have an appreciation for what men go through as far as working hard to support a woman and losing everything in a divorce especially if the woman cheated on him. But I have a long way to go to be able to trust anyone. God that was so hard for me to admit but it is the truth!

[stormie]

Gosh , I can understand. My husband also left me 4.5 years ago and even though I have no feelings for him, I completely get where you are coming from in terms of not trusting. I honestly thought we were happy.

[adequate]

Gosh , I can understand. My husband also left me 4.5 years ago and even though I have no feelings for him, I completely get where you are coming from in terms of not trusting. I honestly thought we were happy.

 

Stormie I am so sorry and understand where you are coming from. There is nothing worse than being betrayed and left by your spouse. For me I woke up one morning and told my husband I loved him. He kissed me bye and said he would see me later that night when I got home from going to a sports game with a girlfriend. I came home and all his stuff was gone with a letter saying he wants a divorce. He left me for a co-worker and is now married to her. God the whole time we were separated he was making wedding plans with her when I was still in shock from him leaving. He has a daughter that he ripped out of my life as well and replaced this new woman in every aspect.

 

Stormie I hope you can find some peace to what he did to you. You can always PM me if you want to talk.

[Puckdog27]

I know it sounds easy to say, but with love comes risk. Its just how it works. If you want love in your life, you have to take some level of risk. You cant assume that because your husband hurt you and left you the next man who loves you will do the same. We all expose ourselves to the risk of heartache when we love, and perhaps its what makes love so special, because if there was no risk involved we wouldnt pour so much of ourselves into a relationship. If you want the companionship you seem to want, you are going to have to accept the uncomfortable risk. If you want to remain comfortable, you will have to become OK with your decision to be alone.

 

And being divorced doesnt make you an oddball. It makes you someone who loved and was hurt by the one they loved. Not your fault.

[stormie]

Wow, that sounds almost like what happened to me.

 

I thought my husband and I were happily married - honestly, I did. We had been married for 10 years. But one day, I noticed he was distant with me, and then the next week, I found out he was cheating on me - and he admitted it. But he was sad and told me he wanted to work on our marriage so I forgave him as torturous as that was for me.

 

But what really happened was that on the following week after that incident, I came home from work and all of his things were gone. The week following, I was served with divorce papers. He left me for the office b!tch - an older woman who manipulated him into leaving me. She had been like a mother figure to him.

 

He stopped speaking to me except thru his divorce lawyer - our divorce dragged on for 3 years, and he said not one word to me. Left me in a huge debt, of which I was never able to get out of. Anyway, it was a horrible and mind boggling thing for me to go through, so I really do understand and sympathize with your position.

 

Oh by the way, my husband and I never had children, however, the mistress gave him a child during our divorce.

[luminousone]

Weather,

 

My husband left me 2 years ago. I had a tough day today, as he has a steady gf now. I always thought he would come back after he realized he really loved me. No go.

 

So now I am focusing on picking up the pieces.

 

Way to go, finding a job and buying a condo on your own!!

 

Just because you own a condo does NOT mean you will be stuck living in it forever. People rent condos, or you could sell it.

 

Start getting yourself out there to meet people. Join a gym, work out, join some groups (church, hiking, biking, etc.). Just concentrate on having fun and rebuilding your social network.

 

Create your own happiness independent of a relationship.

 

When the time comes, let your friends and possibly coworkers know you are interested in meeting single men.

 

You are 9 years younger than I am, and I am confident I will meet a special someone when the time is right. So will you.

[adequate]

I know and agree with what you are saying. The struggle I am having is I really at this point can't trust anyone and I am not happy being alone at the same time. I have to resolve this and the indecision is what is killing me.

 

I feel like an oddball because I am the only one who is divorced in my family. Where everyone has spouses, children and some of them grandchildren I am divorced in my 40's and never has children. It is entrenched in me to want to have a stable relationship I grew up with it all around but after what happened I guess it ends with me.

[adequate]

OMG that is a lot you went through as well. Did you find that people were uncomfortable to talk to you while going through the process? I am truly sorry you had to go through this. It is like someone tore you right in half and I hope both of us can heal from it all and find a better life. Good luck!

[luminousone]

 

I feel like an oddball because I am the only one who is divorced in my family. Where everyone has spouses, children and some of them grandchildren I am divorced in my 40's and never has children. It is entrenched in me to want to have a stable relationship I grew up with it all around but after what happened I guess it ends with me.

 

I am in the same boat -- my parents have also been married nearly 60 years! And although I have some siblings who have always been single, the other ones have been married through thick and thin.

 

I talked with my mom about this -- and she knows it was not me that left the marriage. So they do not hold it against me.

 

Along with grieving the loss of your marriage, you may also be grieving the loss of the marriage unit and the loss of the chance to have a 50+ year marriage.

 

At first I grieved the loss of my husband, but now I am I am grieving the loss of our family as a unit. I grieve the loss of our dreams for the future. I grieve the loss of those family traditions that meant so much to me. So many things to grieve. But in the process I do honor that grief and I am healing, ever so slowly. And you will too.

[adequate]

I am sorry your husband left you and totally understand the pain. I do have my family, close friends and a lot of interests so I do have a life but everyone is so busy with their own families and I see them when they are available. I have a disability that keeps me from being able to go out and do the things I used to before my accident 11 years ago. But thank you for sharing your story and I wish you the best of luck and happiness your way!

[adequate]

Wow you just nailed when you said I might be grieving the loss to have a 50+ marriage because I always admired my grandparent's when they were alive and they were married for 63 years when my grandfather died in the year 2000 and my grandmother died in 2008 at the age of 97. She always told my ex husband to take good care of me and he used to smile and take pride in that he was and wanted to. My grandmother never knew he left and at the point she was in a nursing home. I really wanted a close family of my own.

[luminousone]

weather,

 

I know it is difficult to get together with people, because I am there! Many friends are in couple or family mode, and they have their own schedules and family time.

 

But I do also know some other singles, and I asked one what she does. She said she receives a huge amount of her companionship from her faith group (she is Jewish and a member of a Jewish community). She has a very fulfilled life. She also told me that I will have to be proactive in letting people know that I am available for holiday dinners, etc. (None of my family lives in my state or even near me...).

 

I do feel quite lonely on those occasions, but I am determined to rebuild my life...

 

And I am sorry to hear about your disability... One of the things I am doing this year is taking "Inner Peace" yoga. And they know I had cancer surgery last year and I have to take a medicine that makes me extremely stiff...

 

But the yoga instructor has helped me so much. They just say I should do what I can, and not push it. It is not a competition, and in the class I am better than others at some things and way worse at others. But the main thing is that it is improving my life and health (and inner health) little by little. I KNOW it is a good thing for me. I have met some really lovely people through there this year, and even got a walking friend out of the deal.

 

I also went to a support group called "Mindfulness Awareness" meditation. It was amazing, and the people so wonderful! Unfortunately it did not fit with my schedule (my son had something that night each week) so I have not been able to go back. But I intend to, next year, when that time slot opens up for me. It was so very healing... it was amazing.

 

And there are people there with disabilities, and we all helped each other.

 

I wish you well in your healing journey. Just even talking about things here is so very helpful...

[luminousone]

Wow you just nailed when you said I might be grieving the loss to have a 50+ marriage because I always admired my grandparent's when they were alive and they were married for 63 years when my grandfather died in the year 2000 and my grandmother died in 2008 at the age of 97. She always told my ex husband to take good care of me and he used to smile and take pride in that he was and wanted to. My grandmother never knew he left and at the point she was in a nursing home. I really wanted a close family of my own.

 

Ha, our posts are crossing.

 

But I have found it interesting that I have been grieving more the loss of that than my ex these days... so that must mean I am healing!!!

 

But you know, I could live my life in unhappiness because I did not get a 60 year marriage (I am 54, so no way). But on the other hand, if I let go of that dream and see what comes, I may end up in a marriage that is short in time but very wonderful and loving and fulfilling (and maybe worth the wait!).

 

My elderly neighbor just lost her beloved husband of 20 years to Alzheimers. She had been married before and yes - her first husband left her for someone he worked with too. She was devastated, naturally, but she shared with me that he gave her a gift ultimately.

 

Because her last marriage was so sweet and so full of love that she never knew she was missing from her first marriage. The second husband treated her like a queen and showered her with love. So she said it was all worth it, in the end...

[jenna-is-here]

I am sorry for all the pain everyone endured. But I dint get it either. I guess times have just changed. Both sets of my grandparents were married 50+ years before they died. My parents are stll going strong at 46 years this year. I just think people have gotten so selfish. I want what I wang and I want it now. In just starting to question does it exist anymore...but I refuse to b a cynic.

 

I'm glad u are all past the initial horror of your ordeals. I can imagine u r feeling strong owning ur own place! How wonderful. And when u find love again, u will rent that out so incase anything happens, u have a place to go back to. That is what im doing right now, selling the toenhome my ex and I lived in and moving back to a condo I bought long before I met him.