very little romance since moving in together

[pinkrobot]

My boyfriend and I (together a year and a half) moved in together at the beginning of June. While I love living with him and it seems to be working out well, I can't help but notice lately that it feels like we act less like a couple now that we're living together.

 

We hardly kiss anymore. Some days I believe we go without kissing at all. Whenever I try to initiate a kiss (like when I sit beside him on the couch), he just doesn't seem very interested. Kissing is really important to me, it always has been--I need that kind of physical connection to feel closer to someone. To go along with that, the whole physical aspect of our relationship has changed since we moved in together. Pre-June, we cuddled more, we held hands more, we kind of wrestled around together in a flirty sort of way while we watched movies, and now we just...sit.

 

We also used to go out to breakfast all the time, or to get coffee, and now when we have the chance to do stuff like that we never do. We just wake up and he'll immediately start working on his bikes or start up a video game.

 

I'm also pretty sure we have sex WAY less often than we did when we weren't living together (which is odd, because we only saw each other 3 days a week then). At this point I think we're having sex about once or twice a week, and we usually go to bed at the same time every night.

 

The obvious solution is to talk to him about it, but I feel awkward going about it that way. If I'm craving more physical contact and more quality time together that's not spent watching movies or TV, I want that to be a mutual desire. So I feel like, if I talk to him, if anything improves or changes it won't be because we want it to--just because I want it to. But lately we've been acting more like roommates than like a couple, and it's starting to get to me. What do you do if you're in my shoes, where you want that physical connection back but you don't want to ASK for it? I already try to initiate the physical things we used to do more of, and every time it appears I'm the only one who wants it.

[einsteins_girl]

I am interested to see what advice you get, since I am in pretty much the exact same situation. I was debating posting something myself before I saw yours.

 

Not much kissing. Not much hand-holding (he says it throws his stride off). Not much sex (you're lucky you're still at once or twice a week... I'm at once or twice a month). When I get home from work, I get about 3.1 minutes of his time before he turns back to his computer. It's getting realllllly old. Unfortunately, we have talked about it, and nothing changed.

 

I know this post doesn't help much, just trying to say you're not alone. -sigh-

[_Asti_]

You do need to speak to him, because he clearly doens't know anything is wrong here. It doesn't have to be about the physical stuff, but just spending time together component. For all he knows, you're enjoying the way the relationship has changed. So you need to speak up, and make the effort as a couple.

It will always take work to keep the romance alive, and when it slips, its important to speak up and wake up and realize what is happening, and make the changes.

 

Some people do get comfortable, and think that sitting on the couch watching TV is spending time together, but you need to make that clear that it isn't.

 

My fiance and I still initiate dates, and get excited about upcoming events together. We eat dinner by candlelight several evenings a week, and make the effort to spend GOOD time together, whether its a long walk, going for a coffee, and removing ourselves from our home and focusing on each other.

 

If that were to ever change, I'd speak up right away and say "Hey buddy...whats going on!"

 

 

For some couples, co-existing in a house together may be considered time spent as a couple. It doesn't work that way. Things will fizzle out fast, and he needs to know that this is not okay.

[Applewhite]

I also subscribed to this thread. Although I have little to complain about but just wanted some new ideas. We still hold hands quite a lot. And are both pretty affectionate. We do have a decrease in frequency of sex, but I think much of that has to do with our decreased energy levels (which I am trying to figure out why - we eat good usually and exercise some).

 

One easy thing to do as a couple is to take long walks together.

[pinkrobot]

Asti, how would you suggest I bring it up? I can't think of a way to word it that 1) wouldn't offend him, and 2) would make it clear what I'm asking for.

[_Asti_]

How often do you spend time together, going out and doing things, or have some romance?

What happens when you initiate going out somewhere? Has he turned something down recently?

Use that to spin a conversation if he turns something down. Ask him "Are you okay with the amount of time we spend together? Do you feel like things have changed since we moved in together?" Ask questions to see how he feels, and tell him how you feel. Let him know that things like lounging on the couch together isn't quality time together, and you would like to do more things outside the home together.

 

In my opnion, how would he be offended because you want to do things together that you once did and enjoyed together? Don't accuse him of anything, just ask if you can do a few things like you once did before. Its not too much to ask to go for a walk together, or grab breatkfast or a coffee every once in a while together...and if he gets upset by it, I'd be taking a step back questioning "Is he taking my concerns seriously....Why doesn't he want to do these things anymore..."

 

What I've learned in my relationship is there is no thing too big or small that I can't address with my pARTENER. And thats what he is. A partner. If I am unhappy, I express it, he listens and respects it and we work on it together.

 

It will always take work. You may need to have this conversation again with him down the road, but its not HARD work. Its effort. Its rewarding, and its enjoyable.

 

When things feel like a chore, and a job, and its not rewarding..then its a problem.

 

He shouldn't get upset, or feel offended by you wanting to do things you once did together previously. Moving in together doesn't mean you can sit back and toss the effort card aside. It takes more effort to make the romance and spark happen because its easy for comfort to set in.

[FathomFear]

The obvious solution is to talk to him about it, but I feel awkward going about it that way. If I'm craving more physical contact and more quality time together that's not spent watching movies or TV, I want that to be a mutual desire. So I feel like, if I talk to him, if anything improves or changes it won't be because we want it to--just because I want it to. But lately we've been acting more like roommates than like a couple, and it's starting to get to me. What do you do if you're in my shoes, where you want that physical connection back but you don't want to ASK for it? I already try to initiate the physical things we used to do more of, and every time it appears I'm the only one who wants it.

 

I think you might be misunderstanding the role of communication. Communication isn't just a means to validate whether you're on the same wavelength as the person you're speaking with. It's also there to ensure that your wants/needs are clear. Don't assume that by communicating that you need more affection that you'd be "forcing" your boyfriend to comply. He just might not have seen it in the same light until your discussion.

[amie.bee]

I think I'm in a very similar situation to you. I moved in with my boyfriend of just over a year at the start of May. I have had a similar experience to you and I was quite worried a few weeks ago, now it's getting better.

 

We used to see each other about 3-4days a week too, but due to who we lived with previously our sex life was limited when we saw each other. Then, when we moved in it dropped to less that before which meant it was not very often. I felt like we were kissing less and touching a lot less. I think it's all to do with the change of lifestyle that comes with moving in together, you have to mix together dating with your partner with your previous daily routine living as a single (non coupled) person.

 

I talked to my boyfriend, he had noticed the change too and didn't want our relationship to change either. We realised a few things.

 

Before, we never watched tv together because we didn't have access. Now we have a tv, it was on all the time, which he liked and I didn't. We decided to make it only part of the day and have it off sometimes.

 

He also noticed that now we had sofas we had started sitting on one each, separately. Before, we used to sit together on a sofa or bed, almost always touching. Changing this slowly to sitting together a lot again made a big difference to our contact and closeness.

 

I've also had to think of ways for us to do things which aren't normal day activities. Before, meeting up did this anyway, now, we are already together so have to do something different to have quality time! I suggested a cinema visit for one of our month anniversaries rather than staying in. I got us to bake cakes together, and cook mac and cheese another time. I also suggested we take a long walk for a couple of journeys we'd normally take public transport for. It's helped a lot. I've also encouraged us buying DVDs we'd like to watch together and going to bed early to just lie in bed and talk and cuddle.

 

Maybe you could sit down for breakfast together every morning and just chat? You could cook breakfast together. Then, you could talk about what you wanted to do with your day and suggest things to do together.

 

I'm aiming toward (but not there yet) arranging a special night once a week at least, with nice food, candles, a DVD, talking. I read on a website (can't remember the link) one idea I really like - a powercut night. Turn off all electricals, tv, even music. No lights, just candles and conversation.

 

Talk to him and work on it, I hope it improves and please tell me how you're doing because I'm still working on this as well.

 

Amie

[Sparkly Eyes]

I WAS in your shoes. We used to be waaay more intimate when we were not living together, and we only saw each other 2 days a week. I tried all kinds of indirect ways to get him to be more intimate. Then I started initiating it directly and got rejected constantly. Then I realized that I had to talk to him, which I did, a few times. Every time he promised for things to get better, but nothing ever changed. It just couldn't work out between us.

[einsteins_girl]

worriedgirl - Out of curiosity, when you would talk to him about it, did he ever explain from his end why the decline in intimacy was happening?

[Sparkly Eyes]

worriedgirl - Out of curiosity, when you would talk to him about it, did he ever explain from his end why the decline in intimacy was happening?

 

Yes, but they were all excuses and he knew it, nothing that didn't exist when we were not living together. I think he needed newness and unavailability to be excited sexually...which he had when we were apart. So when we were together, he knew he could not get it for another week, so he would try to have it as much as possible. But if I were always available the excitement would wear off. Does it make sense? that's how I felt it was with my ex.

[meiling]

I'm going to suggest a little different strategy and see if you think it's a good idea. Because even if you talk to him about it, an important concern of yours is that he will merely comply because you want it, not because you both want it, right? I have dealt with those feelings before and they are horrible.

 

Bottom line is, right now you are not happy. You could talk to him about it and it might fix things permanently, or it might just change for a bit and then revert back. If you are not spending much time outside of the house now, I would say do so. If he is not acting very close to you, use this time to get closer to your friends, which won't satisfy your physical affection need, but it will get your mind off of it so it won't be such a big problem. And plus, friends are important.

 

My suggestion is to do this, and see if he then comes around and says something about the closeness issue himself. If he doesn't eventually, you should say something to him then, because he is probably content with the change your relationship has made if he hasn't made an effort to fix it, but you aren't. I don't think it's really game-playing, because if he is not doing something to complete your happiness, and just talking with him about it might cause a reaction just to satisfy your need and not his, you need to try a different solution to be happy. Then he might realize he misses that closeness too.

 

Hope that made sense, and I hope things get better for you!

[pinkrobot]

Meiling--strangely enough, I have kind of been doing what you suggested over the past couple of weeks. It almost sounds manipulative, but that hasn't been my intent; simply, I've been spending more time with friends because I feel as long as my needs aren't being met I don't want to make my life revolve around him as much as I used to. If he's going to cut back on a part of the relationship that makes me happy, I'm going to find another medium of relational happiness, which would be my friends. It's sad and I hate admitting it, but that's what has been going through my mind recently.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Meiling--strangely enough, I have kind of been doing what you suggested over the past couple of weeks. It almost sounds manipulative, but that hasn't been my intent; simply, I've been spending more time with friends because I feel as long as my needs aren't being met I don't want to make my life revolve around him as much as I used to. If he's going to cut back on a part of the relationship that makes me happy, I'm going to find another medium of relational happiness, which would be my friends. It's sad and I hate admitting it, but that's what has been going through my mind recently.

 

I actually don't agree with this. I mean sure, it might temporarily fix the problem. But as soon as he gets the idea that you are into him again and comfortable with him, he will go back to his old self. I think the only way around it is actually having a talk about it (as hard as it sounds and I know it's hard cause I've been through it) and see if he will change knowing that it has been bothering you.