Can ex-gf and ex-bf's really be friends??

[enchanted771]

I talk to my ex, in fact, were supposed to meet up for a couple drinks in a couple weeks. The only problem is, that we havent been broken up that long, so its still hard. I still find myself comparing every guy to him. I dont feel I will give other guys a chance, until I can close that door. Now I am wondering if maybe its too soon for us to get together and have drinks.

 

What do you think?

[jahur]

I talk to my ex, in fact, were supposed to meet up for a couple drinks in a couple weeks. The only problem is, that we havent been broken up that long, so its still hard. I still find myself comparing every guy to him. I dont feel I will give other guys a chance, until I can close that door. Now I am wondering if maybe its too soon for us to get together and have drinks.

 

What do you think?

 

i have always shut the door completely on my exes, no point in carrying that friends thing on. dont make sense. you or he split up because you couldnt get on, so why keep it going?

 

and besides the idea of an ex hanging around freaks me out. some people do do the friends thing because inside them somewhere there is a pilot light for them smouldering away!

 

not healthy. imho outa sight outa mind! the quicker you will heal. this is me!

[charity]

i think it depends on the motivation and how far you have moved on. genuine friendship soon after the break up is pretty impossible i'd say, but after awhile if you have moved on i think it is a possibility albeit rare.

 

in my situation, i have an ex that i am very good friends with. we were very serious and i ended it. he was very hurt. i ended it because i just didnt want a future with him. after about a year i asked him to be friends but he said no, that his ulterior motive would be to get back with me and it would hurt too much. i respected that of course. now it is about 7 years later and we are great friends. i guess he healed and got over it.now we laugh and talk about men and women etc. neither of us in a relationship now , we meet every 2 months or so, go for dinner or a movie or something,we talk on the phone every month or so. its not flirty but it is a special friendship as we know eachother very well. my last boyfriend was totally fine with it.

[enchanted771]

I am supposed to meet him in a couple days for drinks. It still hurts too much though. Just thinking about him being with other women, makes me really ill. I just dont know if I can talk to him until all the feelings are gone, and that I no longer who is he with....right now, I still have feelings for him.

[Nerdyjock]

In my opinion, being friends with exes while in a relationship is bringing emotional baggage to your new relationship. This is something I wouldn't want to deal with in my partner...but some may not feel that way.

 

If you're single, I think it's fine.

[foto]

I feel like I'm going through the same thing.

 

I just wonder why he wants so badly to be friends, and how he can compartmentalize our relationship so quickly. H went from loving me so much, to breaking up with me a month later to wanting to be friends soon after. Can guys just do that easier than girls? And why would he want to be friends?

[foto]

Also if you become good friends with the ex, are you only ever considered a friend after and have no chance of getting back together? Or do you think wanting to be friends hides an alterior motive?

[enchanted771]

I dont know seems like there are alterior motives. I do think, he would be fine with just being platonic friends though. But, he cant have it both ways. He gets jealous when I go on dates. Either you stay in the relationship or your apart, but you shouldnt get jealous. Or maybe you always get jealous if you have feelings?? that wasnt ever the problem, he just has issues to work on.

[Minx2012]

I agree with many of the posters on here : It is IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with exes if you still have romantic feelings for them ( even if you tell yourself over and over that you don't ). That is why I am a true adherent and fan of " NC " ( no contact ). Strangely enough though, I find that with NC, after many years, the exes have all come back into my life ( either wanting me romantically and telling me that I was the BEST thing that they ever had and are still in love with me etc etc....or as platonic friends ). However, after so many years, when they still tell me that they love me, I always tell them " No, sorry...over and done with...and I feel just platonic feelings ". In fact, one ex still avidly stalks me.

 

However, personally for me, I LOVE " No Contact " simply because :

 

1) It allows ME to regroup myself and refocus on goals, dreams, future that I want for myself and no one else.

 

2) It allows me to heal...and gets rid of the destructive cycle of " on-off / exes having sex out of emotions and lust ". When I was 17, I experienced that horrendous cycle that destroyed me, with my first love, my highschool sweetheart. It lasted until I was 21 years old. I told myself, " NEVER, EVER again ". And thank God, I learned. It's the most horrible thing to waste your time and sacrifice your dignity and pride, by sleeping with an ex who clearly doesn't want you ( but only as a booty call ). When you get dumped, the only thing you have is your dignity and pride. When you become the dumper, the only thing you have is class ( so don't go ruin it by sleeping with an ex who is clearly still in love with you ).

 

3) It allows me to experience things that I missed out when I was in a relationship...new hobbies, traveling some more as a single gal, new romantic opportunities, new life if I have to. It gives me a sense of freedom, empowerment.

 

4) It allows me to think OBJECTIVELY. The emotions subside with the out of sight, out of mind.

 

In fact, the NC usually lasts for months to YEARS, for me, depending on how much I loved the exes or how much the relationship meant to me. If I loved the guy so much, then the NC is longer ( maybe years ), since I wasn't able to get over them that easily. However, when we do reconnect again, I am completely over them and there is a feeling of absolute indifference bordering on platonic / civil.

 

And what I mean by " NC "...I mean ABSOLUTELY no contact. I usually cut off all my e-mail addresses and start new ones. I change my phone number. I stay away from the social circle of mutual friends, for the sake of making things easier for me. I usually warn mutual friends that I will " dissappear " for a bit...which I do. In this day and age, with FB, I will probably cut them off too because nothing is worse than having that piece of technology to see the small tiny details of your exes' everyday life ( talk about torture! ). In another case, I decided to pursue another job in another country, in another continent, getting paid a lot of money and enjoying my life, traveling around the world.

 

So, yes, no contact is the best simply because I get back to one very important thing : YOU CAN NEVER BE TRULY FRIENDS WITH AN EX UNTIL ALL ROMANTIC FEELINGS ARE GONE.

[odile]

In my opinion, being friends with exes while in a relationship is bringing emotional baggage to your new relationship. This is something I wouldn't want to deal with in my partner...but some may not feel that way.

 

If you're single, I think it's fine.

 

 

My comments are a slight digression from the OP's questions, but Nerdyjock--

how is being friends 'emotional baggage' if you really, genuinely are 'just friends'?

 

And if it's okay to be friends with exes whilst single, but then get in a relationship... do you suddenly then drop your friends-who-happened-to-be-exes?

 

And what if you and your current partner then break up--

is it then okay to just re-friend your ex-friend-who-had-happened-to-be-an-ex but whom you'd defriended whilst in a relationship?

 

To my mind, if you're getting all sketchy about exes (i.e., only able to be their friend when you are single),

then it sort of sends the message that you probably still see them in a weirdly romantic way.

Anyway, going hot and cold on friends isn't very friend-ly at all.

 

OP, to answer your post, my feeling is that if you are really uncomfortable, and/or are thinking that you're really not ready to see him in person,

then it'll be better off for you to not see him until you feel differently.

Trust your gut.

[ForumGuy]

I dont know seems like there are alterior motives. I do think, he would be fine with just being platonic friends though. But, he cant have it both ways. He gets jealous when I go on dates. Either you stay in the relationship or your apart, but you shouldnt get jealous. Or maybe you always get jealous if you have feelings?? that wasnt ever the problem, he just has issues to work on.

 

You may get jealous, but have no right to show it if you are broken up.

 

You have probably already been on the drink date with him, but if you haven't....don't!! He may try to manipulate you into a booty call or something. If it is not too late, I would suggest canceling on him just saying "something came up and I can't make it"...It is none of his business what came up. IMO

[enchanted771]

I am actually struggling with no contact. I havent texted him at all. Hasn't been that long yet. I just start thinking about him, and want to just text him and see what he is up to. But I know I can't, as much as I want to. Just wish I knew how to stop thinking about him.

[NoGimmicks]

I have to agree entirely with Boheme.

 

A recent experience with my latest ex has made me ask the exact same question. We dated for 2.5 years and ended the relationship a little over a year ago.

 

I ended up meeting him for dinner last Thursday after weeks of him insisting that he wanted so badly for us to be friends. Ironically, he started contacting me to meet up immediately after a break-up with his latest girl.

 

We had a good time at dinner, laughing and catching up. Each time he'd start to steer the conversation in a romantic direction, I would steer it back to something neutral. I immediately started to feel as if I made a mistake in agreeing to have a "friendly dinner." When he insisted on paying, I knew it was likely he had ulterior motives. And to solidify my notions, at the end of the night, he leaned in to kiss me goodbye.

 

I denied him and haven't heard from him since.

.... I'm guessing that the offer of his "friendship" was not genuine.

 

If you still have feelings, I suggest that you do not go. You admitted to comparing other guys to him, and this indicates that you are clearly not over him.

 

I think that many times, some exes try to stay friends with hopes that it will one day progress into something more. Unless you both feel this way, this is a very dangerous thought. Often times, people end up getting even more hurt because they are led on into believing that there is hope.

 

Him being jealous of you could indicate that he also still has lingering feelings. It could also be the very common feeling of "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her either." ....Almost "territorial."

 

It's difficult to understand anyone's motives, and if he has ulterior motives, he will ESPECIALLY tell you otherwise if you bring it up. You have to use your best judgment and decide what is best for YOU.

 

I wish you the best of luck! Keep us updated!

[NoGimmicks]

I am actually struggling with no contact. I havent texted him at all. Hasn't been that long yet. I just start thinking about him, and want to just text him and see what he is up to. But I know I can't, as much as I want to. Just wish I knew how to stop thinking about him.

 

I know how tough this can be.

 

These are things that have helped me get through in the past:

 

1.) When you want to call him, call a friend. When you want to text him, text a friend. Generally I use the same friend and pre-warn them that they will likely be receiving a plethora of messages/calls in a short time (:

 

2.) If option 1 fails or you don't feel comfortable overwhelming someone with calls and messages, write him letters and spill everything. The key is to never send these letters though. Get it all out. Then stuff them away in a shoebox.

 

3.) Remind yourself of all of the reasons why you should NOT want to talk to him. Was he sometimes spiteful? Did he hurt you? Don't overwhelm yourself with negative thoughts, but remember something in particular that really bothered you and associate it with him. One time, I convinced myself that if I gave in and called the ex, he'd just know he had me wrapped around his finger. I pictured him laughing at me and my inability to stay away from him with his friends.... this thought alone kept me away for months.

 

Make sure you get it out somehow, whether it's to yourself, to a friend, to us on here! anywhere. You need to vent or you'll 'splode.

 

Keep your chin up! xo

[ForumGuy]

"he'd just know he had me wrapped around his finger."

 

Exactly the thought that has successfully kept me from contacting mine. I have written so many notes and letters, then deleted them without sending when I think of the consequences of giving her that power over me. She can't stand it either!! Many times she logs onto social sites minutes after I do and sits there doing nothing that I can see...she emailed me awhile back and I'm pretty sure she is just waiting for me to contact her. As far as I'm concerned, she is the "dumper", so it is up to her to make some initial effort, other than an email, to reconcile if she wants to.

[GeorgiaBlue2]

Well I've just come out of a period of non contact with my ex, and it's been great. It lasted a month or so but was such a good decision cos now i've been able to have a really good think about him and most of my feelings for him have gone as i've been able to concentrate on other guys. I think if you were friends first, (like we were) it is a lot easier to become friends after. But if you went straight into teh relationship it may be difficult as you've never known them as just a friend. If you give yourself time to get over them, then yes i think you can become friends, and that is definitely what i plan to do.

[sonicfan287]

Ive made so many mistakes in this post breakup period, it's really quite atrocious, but basically my ex just wanted to be friends after the breakup and I was devastated, only because I thought she was just saying that out of pity and didn't want to look bad, but sure enough she started asking me to hang out. So we hung out a few times and I ended up telling her I want to get back together, flirting with her, doing all the things you're not supposed to do in this situation. She's kept her cool and enjoyed my company (besides the flirting moments) but she never actually told me to stop, which is why I got my hopes up. So finally we talked about it and agreed we shouldn't see each other for a while. She still contacts me now and then, but I don't know how much I really want to be friends right now. I feel like it's not right for me to be this mad at someone for not sharing my feelings for them, but I feel like if I ever did become friends with her again, it would be for the hopes of getting back together and once she got someone else, I wouldn't be able to take it. At the same time, she didn't do anything so horrible that I couldn't speak to her again, in fact I have been. It almost seems unfair that because we shared something so special (for a while) that we can't be friends now, but that's almost what it seems like