Frustrated with the pace of healing

[KittyBoo]

I had some friends over last night and we had fun. Good food, good conversation, laughter and just a really pleasant evening. At some point the ex came up and I tried to make light of things and made a few jokes about it. These friends saw me at my worst 8 months ago at the time of the break up and I want them to see me getting better - which I am. But after they left and I finished cleaning up the sadness started to hit me. I try to joke about it but deep down I still really hurt. I miss all the fun times. The last two summers we had great vacations together and this summer does not have that same "anticipation".

 

I do not believe he was my soulmate. In fact I don't believe in that concept at all anymore. I acknowledge that his treatment of me wasn't very nice (cheated, chinked away at my self esteem, etc) and that I deserve better. Knowing all of this doesn't make the loss much easier to bear though.

 

Time has made things better but it's just hard to be patient when you want so badly to feel happy again and it seems like it's taking too long to get there.

 

I know there aren't any magic words that can make this feeling go away but I am just feeling down right now and wanted some encouragment from others who are going through the same thing or can offer some advice that will help me.

[Nerdyjock]

Hey Kitty,

 

I'm sorry to hear of your frustrations.

 

In my experience, the sadness of a breakup usually comes down to helplessness - the helplessness of being dumped (or treated so bad you had to end it), the helplessness to MAKE yourself feel better even when you KNOW they aren't your soulmate.

 

So, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade! You have the lemons already handed to you - period - but do what you can with those lemons. What I mean is, don't be scared to put the brakes on when your ex comes up in conversation. Nip it in the butt immediately with something concise, such as "I'd prefer we not talk about him if you don't mind".

 

Everyone here (including me) will offer their wisdom on how they have made it through similar situations, and this is merely mine. You can't change everything, but you have to capitalize on what you CAN change, and these types of situations you can alter

 

Lastly, I would reccomend trying not to see the end of the relationship as black and white. You mention so many good memories from the relationship - keep those. You can cherish those while not forgetting the bad. Rather than be sad that you don't have the good times with him anymore, appreciate that you felt LOVE, you aren't some cold person incapable of loving. Your last relationship proved that; so take that light with you to the next relationship and let it shine bright and beautiful

 

Hang in there. There would not be a billion quotes online about time healing wounds if there wasn't some truth to it.

[Hell_On_Heels]

In my experience, the sadness of a breakup usually comes down to helplessness - the helplessness of being dumped (or treated so bad you had to end it), the helplessness to MAKE yourself feel better even when you KNOW they aren't your soulmate.

 

This is so true! I absolutely hate the lack of power and choice in my situation.

HE decided. And so it is over.

HE made it brutal. And so I am haunted.

 

I am so sick of it all, and just want it to go away. Forever.

 

So, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

 

Or chuck the lemons back and demand chocolate.

[mca1975]

It's all about letting go, which takes time, letting go and acceptance. It is a great teaching. I find it easier to let go and accept now after the things I have been through.

 

Sometimes it does take a while and it can be frustrating, but don't let those frustrating, sad times overwhelm you. When I feel sad or low about something, I will say to myself, this is a low moment and it will pass and then I just carry on and get on with things, and it subsides and then I feel happy again. Or sometimes, we just need a good old-fashioned cry and remember, tears are cleansing and bring relief.

[KittyBoo]

Hey Kitty,

 

 

Lastly, I would reccomend trying not to see the end of the relationship as black and white. You mention so many good memories from the relationship - keep those. You can cherish those while not forgetting the bad. Rather than be sad that you don't have the good times with him anymore, appreciate that you felt LOVE, you aren't some cold person incapable of loving. Your last relationship proved that; so take that light with you to the next relationship and let it shine bright and beautiful

 

 

I think that part of the struggle is that a few months before he broke up with me he confessed to having an affair with one of his co-workers that had been going on for 3 months at that point. I was devastated but wanted to work it out. He told me when he broke up with me that he only came back out of guilt and had wanted to end things for quite a while. So now when I think back on the good times they somehow feel tainted. It's been said that once someone lies to you, you start to doubt everything they ever told you. That is how I feel. The memories of the good times are hard to enjoy because I question whether they ever were special for both of us or if it was all one sided.

 

I am trying, I really am. I take classes, go to the gym, do volunteer work, hang out with friends and have been seeing a therapist since the break up. All in an effort to pick myself up, brush myself off and get on with life. But what I lack is passion. I don't wake up in the mornings ready to jump out of bed and embrace the day with all of its unknown rewards and challenges like I used to do.

 

Don't get me wrong.... I am grateful for all the good things in my life and for great family and friends. I know there are people who are far worse off then me and that I have nothing to complain about. I am just feeling lost and without a purpose despite all the things going on for me.

 

I've always told people that happiness comes from within. Now I just need to start applying this to myself.

[sunday2010]

Can relate to how you feel, the purpose is gone but you know what we need ot be the purpose not somebody else.I am grateful to for what I have and we all need to look at what our exes did too.You sound like you're doing everything you can to get through this and you're doing well better than I am

thats for sure and ist only two months fo rme.

 

I think our exes had been thinking of leaving fo some time and it was no shock ot them thats why they have moved on quicker.we will all get there we surely will

[bluberry]

I feel the exact same way. We broke up cos I found out he cheated but we got back together cos he said he wanted to make it work. He occassionallu bouht me flowers and told me how much he loved me and saw a future with me. Then he broke up with me saying he's unhappy n been wanting to do this for weeks already. Hours ago he was still saying how much he loved me etc. We even spent the previous night together. 2 weeks later I found out he's dating the girl he cheated on with before.

 

I get what u mean about the tainted memories. It feels that everything was a lie and some one sided fantasy in our heads. And that's the hardest to swallow that I was the 'crazy and blind' one.

 

I'm also trying to go out n do stuff and most of the time it's really me forcing myself bu even when I'm out and laughing I still feel that hollowness inside. Do u get that?

 

It's been a mth since my BU and I thought I got better but now I seem to have b slipping into this abyess.