Where are we now??

[pat7x]

Hey everyone,

 

I just wanted to share my story with y'all so that you can tell me what you think, or maybe take some of my advices for you.

 

First off, the girl. We have been together for almost 5 years. I met her when she was 17, I was 20 at the time. After 2 months, we faced our first real challenge, making it work long distance, in which we were successful, though at the end, it was getting a bit harder. I was her first real bf, the first time she really got madly in love. For me, well I've had gfs before her, but never that serious. So we lived our first year and a half appart. After which we decided that I was going to move in with her.

 

So we lived together for a year, then had our first break up... the reason: she kissed another guy at a party... and she wanted to see if it could work with him. A lot of you probably know how crushed I was. When you trully love someone with all your heart, without any doubt in your mind that she is the one for you, and things like this happen, its probably the worst that can happen. Here was my first real mistake, because I do not think that moving in with her was a mistake (even if now, I believe she was too young at the time for something that serious): I begged her. I tried to show her how much what we had was special, how much it was different from other couples. It was so hard not to do it, since we still lived together for a couple of weeks. Obviously, we've had sex during this period, told we loved each other... etc. but, she was not able to leave the other guy. Why? I think it's because she needed to find out for herself that what we had was real... So I moved out because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't erase her from my life though, I had to talk to her, to hear her voice, so everytime she would talk to me on MSN, or called me, or texted me, I was there for her. See the thing was, the guy was a jerk, and I knew it, I knew she would come back to me... why? because I was the nicest guy ever, see I was always there for her no matter what happened, I took care of her, and loved her more than anyone could've loved her... Another mistake... I shouldn't have been thinking that way... but I'll explain it later. So what had to happen, happened: The guy blew her off, and she came back to me.

 

 

But while we were appart, she received a job offer, but to a city located 2 1/2 hours from where I lived. She accepted it, since we weren't together anymore. So there again, we had to make it work while being appart... Which we did for almost two years, until we broke up again... I initiated the break up. Why? Because I just felt that I loved her more than she loved me. I felt like she was taking all the love I was giving her, but not sending any back. Yes, it is selfish! But isn't it the point of every relationship, to be happy, to be with someone who fullfils you like no one else is able to do? I think it is. I felt she was just not able to make the move even if she wanted to, so I made it. And I was right, she told me at the moment while crying: I think that this is where we were at, but I want you to know that it ain't true that I don't love you, I will always love you, and I'll always have a place for you...

 

 

So, again, I felt crushed. Felt like I would never be happy again without her, felt like I needed her... but this time was different too. I decided that we needed space, so I erased myself from her life as much as I could. Obviously she texted me, IM me, and i talked with her too, but not in a needy way... and it seemed like she was the one who started to need me and coming back towards me, until she met this guy, two weeks after we broke up... So I begged her again... because of was so scared of losing her, I lost myself to panic. I tried to convince her, but nothing would work, she would not realize how special it was between us, even after all this time. I knew it was, I knew that after 5 years we still had so much love for each other, that we made it work out even with the distance for so long, longer than so many people could have handled.. but she couldn't realize it.

 

So 2 weeks ago (about 1 month after the break up) I decided to go NC, so I told her I thought we both needed some space, and here we are now... so I'd like to explain to you what it is that I learned about all of this, about what to expect for the future, what to look for etc...

 

First, I know that a lot of you will be able to relate to me, in many ways. The thing that I realize the most now is, don't wait for someone to realize how special and nice you are. See, this girl will find it out one day, and I'm 100% positive that she will come back towards me, but the thing is, do I really want her to come back towards me? I can't lie, the answer right now is Yes. but in a certain way. See she has to grow, she has to live and see other things, to really see if I'm the one for her. She has to erase that feeling of wondering it the grass on the other side is greener. The only way this is possible is through experience...

 

See when she started dating the guy, I was always wondering how it was between them, was she missing me, thinking of me when she kissed him, etc. But the thing is, it's normal to think that way, but you gotta fight it. You gotta tell yourself that it is a good thing for her AND you. Why, because you will know once and for all if she thinks you are the one for her (or him for the ladies So my biggest advice if your situation is kind of the same is, try to move on, stop needing her, get to a point where you will love her, but you will know this is the best for you, because it is! Don't think the other way around. Don't you want someone who will want you as much as you want her. Why should you run towards her, beg her... it's the other way around (in the case you did nothing wrong to her, that you were yourself, and cared, and loved her the best you could).

 

She left you, she said you were not good enough for her. But we all know you were. So let her realize it, but don't wait. Take care of yourself, find once again who you trully are. Find out what you really want for the future, is it really her? Do you still think she will be able to fullfil all your needs forever...? Take the time to think about it. To find out who you are, and what you really want.

 

Trust me, we all know how much it is painful! Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain, and I wish it never happened, but it did and I gotta live with it. I still think about her at every moment, and I do miss her, but I'm not needy anymore and this is so important! I know that she still can be the one for me, but she is not the only one for me... and I'm not going to wait to find out if she is, or if she will think that way one day. If she comes back great, if she doesn't, I will still be happy cause there are other women out there for me and I'll find her...

 

Another advice on LDR... I thought they could work, but I doubt it now. It's fine for a short to mid term (few months). But I doubt talking long term is a good idea. Why, because you are not building anything, you don't get to know the person really. Living with someone everyday is so different then seeing that person 1-2 days a week. At the beginning you will miss that person so much when you will be appart. It's the only thing you'll be able to think about. But after a while, you are going to distance yourselves. You won't talk on the phone as often, it won't last as long, you won't have as much things to tell since there won't be a lot of new stuff happening. Then without realizing it, you'll be sharing your thoughts about missing her with the problems you are having together, while you're appart, and it's just going to get worst with time. So the only tip I can give you is, make plans to get back together as quick as possible, because the longer it takes, the harder it will get...

 

 

 

Well I hope this wasn't too long and too boring. Hope it helps some of you and please write your comments and questions if you have any!

 

Pat

[misscutey]

WOW, that was brilliant, it truly makes sense.

I was in a LDR, it wasn't really working, he wasn't commited to moving to be with me and I couldn't move straight away, were not speaking at the moment I have tried but no reply from him, so I decided I have to move on for me, it could have been good. He will realise what he had, but it maybe too late then.

All the best to you xx

[savignon]

It seems like from the first kiss with the other guy, you were left wondering if she loved you the way you loved her. It's painful to spend years in a relationship where you're trying to get the other person to see how good you are. It leads you to believe you're not when it's just that it's not a good relationship fit.

I'm glad you're happier now and can pass on some good advice. LDRs can work for people who are really inlove and committed, I think. Some people are afraid of or don't want the day-to-day commitment and intimacy and are in LDRs for the convenience the distance provides, while still being able to get the attention, companionship, conversation, etc.

[MikNomis]

Yo, this is one awesome post. Absolutely agree to the fullest!

[pat7x]

Misscutey:

 

I'm happy to see that you are able to think the right way! Best of luck!

 

Savignon

 

You're right, she got me thinking after that first kiss... but I wasn't strong enough at the time to let her go, which is what I should've done... because she did not come back towards me for the right reasons: which is, because she would've thought I was the one for her... and that has caught up to us after a while...

 

For LDR, you probably are right, but we did not fall in this category of people, and I doubt a lot of people do...

 

MikNomis:

 

Thanks!