Does this male friend want more? Im getting creeped out!

[miie]

Hi,

I am hoping to receive some advice about what might be good to say/do or not to do.

 

I have this male friend whom i met on a dating site a few years ago. i didn't feel any attraction to him in person so nothing progressed. He wanted more. But i made it clear to him and a few months later he got a girlfriend.... and i found someone too. He wanted to remain friends. I was VERY new to the dating scene and never had many male friends so back then i took what they said to be true/genuine all the time (idiot me right!)

 

Anways, We've kept in touch mainly by email ( one every few weeks/months or so) Late last year he kept asking me what would happen if we would have got together. He had a girlfriend at the time. Every time he asked i skipped around the question, pretended i missed it etc. I also had a boyfriend and didn't think of him any more than just a friend (more pen pal!). He kept asking so i dropped away a bit and didn't contact him for a while.

 

He broke up with his girlfriend after a year but found someone new a few months later. He is now having doubts about her and brings up AGAIN how 'good' we would be together.

 

I have NOT seen him in person since meeting him. I have only met him once. So its more like a pen pal thing as opposed to a real friend. I've told him that its just friends but i wonder if he's been holding out for something to happen. He is a nice guy but only that because any thought of anything phsycial with him makes me want to vomit. I know that sounds so bad and horrible. I only see him as a friend.

 

He constantly says how he is glad to have me in his life and as a friend blah blah blah. It is full on sometimes. Even my boyfriend doesn't say mushy stuff like this! Half the time i dont even respond to it coz i dont know what to say.

 

I have been with my bf for a year and a half. We are in love. We are planning an overseas holiday to Asia next year. He knows i have a bf etc.

 

My bf knows about this friend and has joked to me once that he's keeping in touch with me because he wants more to happen. At the time i was thinking, girls and guys can be friends, my bf has girls that are just friends. But maybe he's right about this guy.

 

What do i do? Do i ignore what he said again or tell him i am happy with my bf and it makes me uncomfortable when you bring up possibilities of "us" which will never happen - it sounds so harsh.

 

thanks for any advice.

[Lucidity]

If his actions are creeping you out, then you need to deal with the situation and be blunt about it. Guys tend to fish for emotional attachment using "what if" scenarios as conversation points. If you continue to dodge or "skip" around his questions without giving him a firm "NO", then you risk giving the guy more reason to pursue you.

[amure]

I suggest you be very firm with him and tell himyou think hes creepy/you would never ever ever in a million years go out with him.

 

Theirs no way he will persue you if you flat out insult him... Unless hes a stalker, in which case call the cops

[MikNomis]

Haha, the internet and not having to say things in person make it real easy to say many things that just seem too much. Obviously, you two don't even really know each other (you can't truly know someone without at least knowing them in real life), so he has this image of you he built his head that he plays in his head, thinking about "how things would go" that honestly, is more of a fantasy than anything else. That's why he thinks you two would be so perfect for each other without knowing you.

 

Just avoid the guy, he's desperate and creepy, talking to you that way while having a girlfriend.

[lavenderdove]

The world is full of people you can be friends with, and you don't need to waste your time and energy on someone who is far away, you never see, and whose main intent seems to be talking you into having sex with him. That's not the basis for a good friendship.

 

If you don't want to tell him directly you're not interested, then I'd just drift away. When you email back, ignore all his attempts to compliment or engage you, just tell him details like, my boyfriend X and I went here or there or have these plans. Then only respond to every other contact, then every third contact, then every fourth contact, until you aren't responding at all. He'll get the point that you're not interested by your silence.

 

I just don't think you can be friends with someone who is carrying a torch for you. It just doesn't work. You can have male friends, just not ones intent of dating you. So break it off.

[miie]

Thanks for the replies.

 

He has never talked about sex or anything like that. Its more 'mushy' stuff. He goes on and on about how he's grateful for meeting me and how glad he is to have me in his life etc.

 

I met him once. I consider him a pen pal more than a friend.

 

We just email about our lives whats going on etc, i guess nothing more than what you would do in a forum like this.

 

He's asked a few times about catching up again and each time i've said im busy (whether i am or not) He had a girlfriend, and with ways he talks some times it was creepy. Plus truth is i really didn't want to.

 

I dont mind emailing etc, but i can do that with any one really. Not someone who's hoping for something.

 

See thats the thing, when he says these things i ignore all the attempts, i dont respond to those and in the emails i talk about my boyfriend!

 

I cant see how he can still 'like' me after meeting me ONCE 2 years ago!

 

The thing is he is on my facebook, does this matter ? I have most things blocked from peoples view - only a few people see everything.

[Dinka]

The thing about the internet is that it can fool people into thinking that they are "friends" with someone, when in fact a lot of the time you are just "being friendly" with someone. You say you met this person once and that you chat online. That isn't really a "friend," it's a pen-pal (like you said). When you start getting "creeped out" by him, then he's no longer a pen-pal, he's a NUISANCE at best.

 

What's wrong with telling him straight-out that you are not interested in being with him when he brings it up next time?

 

Another thing about the internet is that it gives a pretense that you "know" someone, when you really have ZERO idea who they are. For all you know (and yeah, this is worst-case, extreme scenario), this guy is mentally unstable and he will continue to become creepier and creepier. My rule of thumb is that once someone I'm chatting with becomes "creepy" on a consistent basis, they are off my chat list for good.

 

You don't have to "play nice" on the internet. Just tell him you're not interested and stop corresponding with him.