A book to learn how to make friends? =/

[CntJstSitArond]

I've mostly finished reading "how to win friends and influence people" or something like that. The book is written so long ago, people are different now, discourse is different. I can see how the book can really help in business situations, but what about making friends to hang out with? I'm lacking the ability to and feel lonely a lot. Some days I get angry and hate myself even...

 

Is there a book to tell me what I'm lacking? What I need to learn to in order to have fun again and try to enjoy life... make a friend or two. I can't talk to anyone for long. I get real nervous when people ask questions about me cause I have nothing at all to say or sometimes nothing positive to say. When I try to talk to kids my age around college (I'm 23) I try to ask open questions and start a conversation but it never lasts more than a few minutes, then it really feels like it's dragging. I have nothing to contribute, I just ask questions and that gets boring fast and feels like it's going nowhere.

 

I am not motivated to do anything... I'm pretty sure I'm going to become one of those boring no-fun adults that kids don't like cause they are no fun to be around and no adult friends too to do fun things with. I took a survey on the internet not long ago and one of the questions was "do you normally go for jobs you know you are over qualified for?" or something along the lines. I think answering yes to that shows that you are not confident of yourself being in a work environment. I don't even have a job and am afraid to get one... I'm stuck in life and am afraid to move on... I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I really think that if I had some friends I'd be able to start moving on... does that even make since?

[sand dollar]

Why not try a support group or 12 step group? I did and I made many great friends and met some great people. You will meet non judgemental and kind people who will get to know you and you them Try that!!!!

[MikNomis]

I made lots of friends just playing basketball at the gym, and going out to this christian club that my friend was in (even though I'm atheist haha). The rest is friends of friends and such. I find that joking around brings friends together best.

[coldplay.]

Being sociable isnt something you learn really, its something you practice.

 

People dont want to hang out with fake 'friends' people that put up a front, of a cool guy, a sociable guy, basically anything that isnt themselves.

 

If then you ask well what if im just not a sociable person, how then can i ever overcome this.

 

Thats just a perception your mind has of your situation, your mind can be (and is) wrong. You can change your minds perception, by tearing down the foundations of that false perception, by reinforcing your mind with ideas that you are a sociable person, people will like you.

 

The cliche 'fake it till you make it' is more true that you'd believe, it means that you need all actions have results, if you act the way you want to be you will eventually take those actions into yourself. But there is no magic bullet, self actualization is very difficult to get, read up and get ready for a journey

 

But for a book, power of you by tony robbins, or any eckhart tolle

[CntJstSitArond]

I don't know what 12 step program you are talking about... I tried going to a support group a counselor suggested once. People there were very "normal" though, I was the only quiet one that had social problems, other people talked about just moving into town and being real stressed or breaking up with someone, I didn't want to be the only one there to tell the whole group that I'm a loner and have no friends or anything...

 

I made lots of friends just playing basketball at the gym, and going out to this christian club that my friend was in (even though I'm atheist haha). The rest is friends of friends and such. I find that joking around brings friends together best.

 

What if I don't know how to play basketball? I liked basketball as a kid but never got good at it, all my parents stressed was school. Don't you have to at least be able to keep up with the group in order for them to let you keep playing? Do you know you are atheist and keep trying to convert you? I don't believe in Christianity or any other religion and don't ever think I will.

 

Being able to genuinely joke around and have fun is maybe my biggest problem. Even around my family I don't smile or laugh, I don't have much to say to them and they don't have much to say to me, just my mom reminding me once in a while that life is moving on without me and I need to get a job. It's lack of friendship and fun in my life that I'm most worried about though...

 

Being sociable isnt something you learn really, its something you practice.

 

People dont want to hang out with fake 'friends' people that put up a front, of a cool guy, a sociable guy, basically anything that isnt themselves.

 

If then you ask well what if im just not a sociable person, how then can i ever overcome this.

 

Thats just a perception your mind has of your situation, your mind can be (and is) wrong. You can change your minds perception, by tearing down the foundations of that false perception, by reinforcing your mind with ideas that you are a sociable person, people will like you.

 

The cliche 'fake it till you make it' is more true that you'd believe, it means that you need all actions have results, if you act the way you want to be you will eventually take those actions into yourself. But there is no magic bullet, self actualization is very difficult to get, read up and get ready for a journey

 

But for a book, power of you by tony robbins, or any eckhart tolle

 

I know it's something I need to practice, but I always fail and it seems I always get the same result with every single person: asking open questions to try to get to know someone just to have the conversation run dry within minutes. This tells me there's something wrong with me that needs to change. I'm making mistakes and I need to learn from them, but I can't even really identify them...

 

first you say people don't like fake people, and I understand that, I try not to be fake, but I try to hide things though, like not having friends =/ People talk about parties or watching movies with friends and I wish I had some social experience/stories to share back in a conversation. Then you say fake it til you make it, an advice I'd read and heard many times, but as much as I fake being sociable, if I succeed with someone, that person will just find out eventually that I really have no friends at all... I wonder a lot if someone like me who has no friends could ever be accepted, especially at this age...

[MikNomis]

How about working somewhere? You can befriend your coworkers. Is there any hobby you do enjoy? For the christian group I went out to, some people know I'm atheist and some don't. The ones that are my close friends all know and I don't hide it; I just don't tell unless asked because they all ask the same questions and it's tiresome lol. Either way they're all still friendly and cool.

 

I think if you just smile a lot and laugh easily, then it will make conversations much more fun.

[CntJstSitArond]

How about working somewhere? You can befriend your coworkers. Is there any hobby you do enjoy? For the christian group I went out to, some people know I'm atheist and some don't. The ones that are my close friends all know and I don't hide it; I just don't tell unless asked because they all ask the same questions and it's tiresome lol. Either way they're all still friendly and cool.

 

I think if you just smile a lot and laugh easily, then it will make conversations much more fun.

 

I have a hard time doing either... I see some people laugh so easy and things and I'm pretty sure they are genuinely laughing, but I just don't find it funny... and I don't like my smile either. When I smile and look at myself in the mirror it looks so fake and I'm pretty sure it's the same when I laugh in the presence of others. I think I'm just really logical and only able to laugh when something is actually funny... I hear/read that smiling is key to getting people to like you more and all, but my smile serious looks strained and maybe even fake... maybe it's due to me not laughing much or smiling much for years... I don't know... =/

[MikNomis]

You should start practicing smiling anyway. Even if you think you look weird or fake, smiling is a natural gesture that everyone recognizes as a good thing. You don't have to force yourself to heartily laugh at every little thing, but try to incorporate a little more of it day to day than you normally do. Find something to get into, because common hobbies bring people together, from sports, to book clubs, to video games.

[surfNski]

I have always been a loner (not by choice) and for the last few years I have been working being outgoing and things have gotten better. I still really struggle in some areas (women) but I have come along way.

Anyway, my close friend is one of those guys thats super outgoing, walk into a room and leave with a room full of friends. Besides being a physically large guy (always helps with women) he smiles at everyone, always has something funny to say, and never talks about anything depressing.

These are hard skills to to practice because most of the time people dont smile back, when I try and think of something funny to say the moment is gone, and if your lifes depressing what else do you have to talk about.

 

But you can ttrain your self through trial and error and its worth it!

[CntJstSitArond]

You should start practicing smiling anyway. Even if you think you look weird or fake, smiling is a natural gesture that everyone recognizes as a good thing. You don't have to force yourself to heartily laugh at every little thing, but try to incorporate a little more of it day to day than you normally do. Find something to get into, because common hobbies bring people together, from sports, to book clubs, to video games.

 

I wish my parents could have taught me these things and encouraged me to find hobbies I enjoyed when I was little... All they stressed was school. I just play video games now and only cause I have nothing else, it's not a hobby I enjoy. Being alone, I find it scary to find a new hobby to get into. I hate having to see the same people over and over again like in a class room setting, once I screw up with them socially I'll be stuck seeing them for as long as the class or whatever lasts...

 

I have always been a loner (not by choice) and for the last few years I have been working being outgoing and things have gotten better. I still really struggle in some areas (women) but I have come along way.

Anyway, my close friend is one of those guys thats super outgoing, walk into a room and leave with a room full of friends. Besides being a physically large guy (always helps with women) he smiles at everyone, always has something funny to say, and never talks about anything depressing.

These are hard skills to to practice because most of the time people dont smile back, when I try and think of something funny to say the moment is gone, and if your lifes depressing what else do you have to talk about.

 

But you can ttrain your self through trial and error and its worth it!

 

Can you tell me how you started making friends or started being friends with this person? I'm like you, I don't ever have anything funny to say until the chance is over, then I think about what I could have and probably should have said...