8 months out, need to put this to bed

[teknoise]

I haven't posted in ages. But here I am!

 

I was with a girl for 2 years, and it ended last fall. The relationship was a disaster. We moved in too soon (at the protest of everyone, including this board lol), and by the 1 year point we fought constantly. She was over the top selfish and completely unwilling to see anything from anyone's perspective other than her own. Her child was nuts, and she barely had a handle on the kid's discipline. She was horrible with money and constantly needed to be helped out with bills etc. That said, we had a connection and a spark deeper than any relationship I've had before. And I've been married before. It was an intense passion that, like a drug, felt great on the highs but horrendous on the lows.

 

As the relationship dragged on I was becoming more obsessed with finding ways to fix things, at the same time wanting out. She seemed oblivious to our fights and the talks of what i wanted to fix and how. Eventually we agreed that she'd move out so there'd be a bit more space, it was mostly my idea as I saw things going nowhere. A month later I busted in on her cheating on me. After we exchanged our stuff we never spoke again.

 

I expected after all the crap I went thru, it ending would be the last chapter of that book. I figured i'd be over it pretty quick. WRONG!

 

Fast forward to now.

 

Given my personality, I tend to dwell on the past and I just can't seem to shake this one. I've certainly 'gotten over' many aspect and have recovered immensly.... but I still constantly reassess everything and feel slighted for how I was treated and how lazy she was to put out any effort then, yet seems to be doing quite well now. If only she got a decent job then, instead of now, money wouldn't have been such a sore point. If only she knew how to be respectful then, as opposed to now, she would have learn compassion. It feels like all the pain and drama I went thru was for absolutely nothing... since in the end i was left with nothing. It was all a waste. All for what? Months of over-analyzing the past? I know it should have been "C'est La Vie... Time To Move On" the day things went down, but I learned that is not how my mind operates. Prior to her I never really dwelled on much. I got over my exwife reasonably well, and her and I never fought or had much relationship drama.

 

Apart from this my life is fantastic. My job is good, my hobbies are turning into part time professions, my child is growing up wonderfully. I even have a new gf and things are great. (more on that: The obvious problem with that is that I'm obviously not over my ex and i'm in a new relationship. However, it has never affected things with her, we are taking things slow, and everything is great otherwise. looking at it from a purely rational pov there are no reasons I should leave the new gf. looking at it emotionally, its going to take a while to get attached.)

 

So why must my mind waste itself on such fruitless drivel?!?!

 

I guess I'm here to reach out and get some dang help, and see if others are in the same bind or have recovered from the same thing.

[teknoise]

lol.. no one?

 

here's the Cliff Notes, as my OP is lengthy:

 

-bad 2 year relationship, lots of fights, stuck around 1 year past the expiration date, very much a rollercoaster: the highs were amazing, the lows sucked a$$

-should have gotten over it right away, but find myself dwelling on it and over analyzing it ad nausium 8 months later

-to top it off she's moving in with the dude she left me for and they are vacationing together and she's finally picked her life up, kinda choked because i tried my best to motivate her and it seemed fruitless

 

anyone who's been there, and is the over analytical type have any solutions?

[FootofGod]

There's no point to overanalyze - you like the drama in some masochist way and you miss it. It's not healthy and it's going to take longer to get over, but you know it's not worth it, you know she's an awful, awful person to be in a relationship with, and you know what you need to do. But all of that knowledge doesn't make it a whole lot easier. Still, all those things you know don't help, so this is when you just stop looking for an answer, suck it in, and do it anyway and take the pain in strides. There's no answer for you, I'm afraid. It's purely illogical.

[FootofGod]

I'm sorry, I just have never had this and I don't get it. You describe to me a nightmare girl and then tell me how hard she is to get over versus your seemingly mild ex wife. I think YOU need to give ME some answers , because I've never understood why people want to be with the most miserable person in the room I mean, I read this girl's description and I think "wow, you couldn't wish worse on yourself."

 

If she's got looks, great sex, or is "sweet," let me tell you those qualities are all a dime a dozen and you can go pick them up off the street if you're willing to take a broken package with them. You need to start assessing your values, man.

[teknoise]

You are right. Rationally I completely understand what's what. I've understood for months. But emotionally and rationally are not the same machine. It's strange, as far as dysfunctional relationships go this is the only one. Quite honestly, the 3 other long term relationships I've had were far easier to get over, and move past, and were a pleasure to be a part of from front to back. Even though they were all pretty hard to deal with when ending (regardless of who ended it).

 

I've tossed around what you've said in my own head for many months... the idea that maybe there is some deep seeded masochistic desire for drama, a desire unnoticed in the past since it was never disturbed. But I don't generate drama with anyone else I've been with, nor with friends, family, co-workers. I can honestly say I have zero enemies and people know me as being pretty chill and easy to get along with.

 

I suppose at this point I should just count to my benefit that I'm introspective enough to realize this illogical character flaw, and work to never have it exposed again.

 

*shrugs* Kinda a sh!tty situation to be in though, I guess just ride out what ever emotional damages were opened up and let them heal over the course of x amount of time. I would just wish that x wasn't 8 months or more.

 

I can say though that, since people seem to give me unsolicited info about her, the idea that she has picked up her life and gets along with the new guy, takes care of herself and has become more independent is the most bothersome and the biggest roadblock to putting it behind me.