Am I too guarded?

[Lucy__lou]

I've never had a lot of friends, and to this day, I still don't know exactly why that is. I think I'm worth knowing, but the world doesn't seem to feel the same. Recently I'm finding myself knocking back the few potential friends who enter my life, and usually for the same reasons. They don't treat me well.

 

But I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive.

 

Here's the most recent examples.

 

1. A girl I dated briefly. That didn't work out ( I lost interest) but then a friendship developed, but I ended it because she would do things like invite me over for dinner and then ask for money for the food, and also she would text 3 or 4 times during the evening. I chose to distance myself from her.

 

2. A (straight) girl who I had feelings for and who I told, and she rejected me but said she liked me as a friend. I'd previously been very attentive to her, and caring and had a lot of time for her, but I was sensitive from the rejection. I invited her to go out one on one after I'd recovered (mostly) from the rejection, and she passed it up, so I decided to leave the ball in her court. She then a few weeks later suggested that we have a big night together and go out on my last night before going overseas, but then she bailed on me at the last minute, and acted like it was nothing, and didn't apologise or anything, she just said she didn't feel like it. I now no longer have any interest in her even as a friend. That's not how you treat people in my opinion. To take someone's time for granted and not even acknowledge when you've stuffed them around is not something I deserve. Now because I used to have so much time for her, she expects to be able to tell me her problems, and talk to me, but I don't care anymore. It's not a choice I've made consciously, but she hurt me, and I've shut my senses down to her.

 

3. There's a girl at my work who when she started at our company was sitting in the next cubicle, and we got along really well. Since she moved to another area, she's formed a lot of friendships with a lot of people (of which I'm not one), and I'd always thought it was just that opportunity hadn't made itself available for us to become proper friends, (partly from me not being within the main clique) but then one night she was on my train which she normally doesn't catch- a 40 minute trip), and there was also this other woman from our work on the platform who I often chat with if I see her on the train, and they were talking. This girl said hello to me, but pretty much turned her back to me and was engrossed in a deep and meaningful discussion with this woman for the entire trip. I felt humiliated that they (but mostly she) had ignored me on this trip. I've since been unable to be friendly to her. I'm polite, but a bit cool too.

 

4. A guy I work with, and get along with for the most part - We've even hung out one on one. But whenever I see him in the hallway or something, and if there's another guy present, he'll ignore me. It's like he doesn't want the other guys to know that he knows me. It's really odd. I like him, and I want to be friends with him, but this behaviour is such BS that the last time it happened, I couldn't help but show I was pissed off. After the other guy was gone, he finally acknowledged me, but he should have acknowledged me as soon as he saw me, since he'd been friendly and chatty earlier that day when there were no other dudes around. I've had to give up on any chance of me and him being friends.

 

I just get fed up with people not valuing me or respecting me. But I'm so lonely. I need friends. Am I being too sensitive? Should I be telling these people when they hurt me? Or should I just patiently keep searching for the ever elusive nice people to enter my life?

 

Any thoughts welcome.

 

Thanks

 

Lucy Lou

[Anotherday]

Hi LL,

 

I may not be the best person to answer this, as I wonder if I'm not too sensitive too, but I would just expand your horizons to find better people to hang out with.

 

I, too, am lonely. And there have been MANY people come and go from my life. Some have ended friendships with me and I've ended friendships with others.

 

I'm of the opinion that people who treat one poorly are not good choices for friends and it is often better to be lonely and alone than to associate with others who make one feel "less than" or "not as important." I grew up in a family where I was the LEAST important person and got used to other people treating me that way too. In fact, if someone is TOO nice to me I've actually run the other way. Now I am seeing that life is too short to put up with people who don't love and support and affirm my worth.

 

Yeah, it's a definite change for me and shift in a new direction. It meant for me giving up/ending a friendship of 35 years. But I realized this person was verbally abusive far too often, under the guise of caring about me like a sister, and she just had to go. I also spent over four years on and off with this guy who refused to even spend my 50th birthday with me, in spite of the fact I'd done some really nice things for his BD in years past. He called me the DAY AFTER my BD to wish me happy birthday, just garbage like that. So he is done too.

 

Just my humble opinion, of course.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks Anotherday,

 

yeah, expanding horizons is the only answer I suppose. And I know that if/when I finally make some true friends, I'll be more resilient when people treat me poorly. It won't hurt me so much. Until then, I'll keep on trudging on and try to be strong.

 

The thing which annoys me though is that often these people don't seem to be aware that they're treating me poorly. And because in most cases they're not close friends, it doesn't feel appropriate to tell them how their behaviour is being percieved. But maybe, I can find ways of letting them know in a light and non confrontational way, if I can get past being so hurt.

 

LL