Can't seem to stay happy

[daveymoore1]

I'm a male in my early thirties. I've been in 4 long term relationships (10+ months). Currently in the 4th one. It seems like when I am single, I yearn to be in a relationship and share w/ a partner all the things that make life great. I date people and seem to have but always yearn for something a little more (at least in the past 2 relationships). I get frustrated at being single and wonder when a relationship will come along.

 

But then when I'm in the relationship after 1 year, I tend to lose interest and pull away somewhat. The relationship I'm in now seems to be great on paper - she matches what I'd be looking for in a mate for the most part - but I still cant seem to fully commit and jump in totally. I still want the freedom that comes w/ being single (not cheating - just free time) lately - even if its just for a few days or a week away from my partner. Obviously my partner is frustrated w/ this.

 

I struggle with whether i have commitment issues or if I just haven't met the right person. Its so hard to truly know the root cause of these feelings.

 

Am I simply wanting everything which I can't have or have I simply not yet met the person for me?

[bearskittie]

hey personally i think its abit of both the fact that you feel your still young and want to get more from life but also its like you want someone there kinda like you just dont care who as long as your not alone and because of this you still havent found that one person to spend your whole life with there for your getting bored and wanting to go off and do you own thing so to speak. I think you should sit back and spend sometime alone out of a relationship and think about what you want from life and not think about relationships because the best one/ person comes along when your not really looking.

[Dewboy]

Daveymoore1, I am in the same exact boat as you with perhaps a different history. I was married to my highschool sweetheart for 14yrs and we have a daughter together. We have been officially divorced for about a year but were seperated a year before the divorce was final. I am currently 35 and I am currently working towards my 2nd relationship since i have been divorced. I like you yearn for companionship when I am single/alone but when I get it......i start feeling smothered. I love being with an SO but I also love "ME" time. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too but surely there is someone out there that will allow me to have "ME" time every now and then lol.

[Puckdog27]

Its a fear of commitment. I acted the same way for a long time til I came to terms with how I was destroying my own chances at happiness.

 

This book helped alot

link removed

[daveymoore1]

i knew there had to be others out there. i feel so selfish and really guilty that I am not able to jump in totally and completely w/ my current gf. she wants me to move w/ her somewhere a few hours away and i could keep my job so if i was committed i'd probably be doing this. i thought i was there and told her i was ready and then a massive wave of fear and voices telling me i was doing the wrong thing stopped me and made me tell her i still wasn't sure. i can't tell if its my inner committment phobe talking or that she really just isn't the right one and my instincts are pure. unfortunatley i think in this situation i'll feel smothered if i go and will miss her dearly and beat myself up if i don't.

[catfeeder]

Not every relationship is the right relationship. Given all the people in the world, odds are against finding the right match right off the bat. I think we're all guilty of trying to turn wrong matches into the the right one--but at least we can learn to end the wrong ones early.

 

We never get any time back for do-overs.

[daveymoore1]

just a quick update - still in same limbo stage w/ the gf and its killing me. i went up to visit her and had a great time. we enjoyed each others company and had fun. is this enough to move there w/ her? i feel so torn that its driving me crazy. One day I am totally 100% committed to it and the next I feel like we should both just move on. Even when up w/ her, I thought for certain I wasn't going when I first started hanging out w/ her but then by end of the weekend I was thinking it was a great idea again.

 

I feel immature and totally guilty I've put my gf through this as well. I know she has moved on in some ways but still wants me to come which makes it difficult. How do I decide w/out hating myself for either decision? I feel like if I dont go I'll regret missing out on something that could have worked. If I do, I'll have that voice saying told you so over and over again until it breaks us up. why do i see no good outcome?

[bulletproof]

Perhaps the four long-term relationships you were in were just supposed to be short-term relationships, or even just first dates. You sound like a serial monogamist- you like the comfort of being in a relationship, and this prevents you from having to be alone, know yourself, and find a real match.

 

I think maybe you should move on so perhaps you can both find great connections with others.

[daveymoore1]

ive been single before, for stetches of up to 2 years or more. when does the feeling of wanting a new relationship ever end? there are a lot of reasons this girl could be the person i marry but also some that make me very nervous about the situation. do people just take a leap of faith and see what happens when they move in or is have doubts a sign to just not do it and move on altogether?

[catfeeder]

ive been single before, for stetches of up to 2 years or more. when does the feeling of wanting a new relationship ever end? there are a lot of reasons this girl could be the person i marry but also some that make me very nervous about the situation. do people just take a leap of faith and see what happens when they move in or is have doubts a sign to just not do it and move on altogether?

 

I wouldn't move in with someone unless I was completely crazy about him and clearly willing to sacrifice the freedoms of living alone.

 

Like you, I recharge by being alone. If I were serious about someone long distance, I would negotiate one of us moving 'near' the other, not directly in together. From there I could increase my time spent in partnership and get the clarity I'd need from there.

 

If this would not be acceptable to my lover, I'd feel rushed and pressured--and that would likely kill the thing for me.

[saintxio]

I don't think free time and relationships should be mutually exclusive. I have a live in boyfriend, and although we struggled with figuring out how to make time for ourselves and each other, any healthy relationship needs both. I didn't like it at first when he would go out on his own to do things like play MMORPGs or garden on his own, but when he lets me know when it's time for his alone time and makes sure that our time together is still precious to him we can strike a balance even though we live together. It makes us better as a couple in the end, and gives me time to open out to my own alone time. Maybe if you talk with your girl and try to express your need for building yourself up, and remember that you guys don't have to be "we" all the time to be in a relationship. Hope this helps.

[amani33]

as a woman, i need a lot of space too. many women are just too sticky, boy i can't stand them if i were a guy. i don't blame you for feeling this way. too much of something will just kill the joy. i can't stand women who don't have their own hobbies and passion, and cannot be happy being by themselves. such a turn off. don't keep blaming yourself that this is commitment phobia. i would say that your girls did not know how to play the "game".