(long)help, i'm going insane!!!!!!!!!! Seriously

[Pikapie]

Okay. So first, I'd love to thank those who are reading this, and intend to read the entire thing. Thank you. I appreciate your generosity immensely. I REALLY need help. I’m tired of the s**t going on. So, you may want to grab a drink or a snack, while you enter the tale of an 18 year old girl with a bit of problems. (Beware: Writing is one of my favorite hobbies, so expect this to be long)

 

I have fallen in love. A lot of people know how that feels. I fell so madly in love with a man...A man who fell for me. We are so perfect for each other! Ah, nerdy love… at about how he does nothing, even though he does everything.

 

His brother is 20 and sits on his butt all day watching cartoons with no job, and he isn’t going to college either. His step-dad even majorly emotionally abuses him. I’m tired of this, especially with how protective I am of my Love. I’ve heard his step-dad say things to him like, “Do this NOW! Oh, you’re doing a final? I DON’T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU FAIL SCHOOL. Get off you’re a** and do it!” And, “You’re not a person you’re half a person.” (The teacher gave a take home final) I’ve sat through his step-dad’s yelling fits and verbal abuse, feeling so helpless. That is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life. When my boyfriend is getting screamed at, and pushed around by a psychotic grumpy old man, while I sit back, wanting to do something about it right as they kicked me out all because my boyfriend didn’t make eggs as perfect as they wanted, but THESE PEOPLE CAN’T BE REASONED WITH.

 

I’ve tried politely telling them, “People shouldn’t be treated like that.” I was told “It’s my house. And it’s my rules. Get the hel* out of my house.” For a man being treated like sh*t, my boyfriend is one of the most kindest, welcoming people to enter my life…When I try to help him with the tasks, they say, “Oh, you’re so pathetic that your girlfriend has to help you do chores?!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s the least of how vile the things they say are. So, with his brother slacking, my boyfriend is forced to do so much work. He cleans every part of the house, does laundry, cooking, has a job that he works Fri-Mon from 5P.M. to 1A.M., hands over atleast 40% of the money he makes to his mother so they can pay for things (they aren’t great with money AT ALL), he constantly is running back and forth playing room service every five seconds for his mother: taking the dogs out, feeding them, making her food every five god d*mn second, giving her massages and back rubs, grabbing things that they want, and I could go ON and ON. The only thing he pretty much doesn’t do is directly pay the bills. (But he sure as Hel* hands over the money for them) I wish I could help. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’ve never seen people treat each other so horribly until I entered his home. It’s really unfortunate; because he wants to get away from it all, and he really is a sweetheart…His house is the most unwelcoming house in the world. But what makes it welcoming is him…

 

To be frank, he doesn’t have enough time for a girlfriend because of HIS PARENTS. He can barely even get away with going to my house. On top of that, we are in a sexual relationship. And these people know that. HIS STEP-DAD DRIVES ME CRAZY, because he doesn’t want us being in sexual relationship, so he has to and whine every five seconds if we hug, or even if our fingers touch. He always goes into the room we are in and says, “What are you two doing!?” EVEN IF WE AREN’T EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM! HE EVEN ASKS THAT QUESTION WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM! I’m not allowed in my boyfriend’s room, (Which technically isn’t his, because his da*n grandfather reversed the lock on his door, because he would lock in so his step-dad couldn’t come in and ask every five seconds, “What are you doing?!” So I’m pretty much stuck in the nasty living room where the cat pees every five seconds (a male cat, and they don’t have the money to neuter him…They won’t save up, because they don’t care enough) or the dogs poop, because of how busy my boyfriend is, and it isn’t noticed right away. The worst room in the house is my boyfriend’s room. He has over 1,000 books shoved in this small room (He and I love reading), swords all over, and clothes. The cat and dogs piss and crap over it because they aren’t fully trained. He doesn’t consider it his room, because of how little freedom he gets in it, and because his grandparents practically shoved all of his crap into his once new room before he was ready to organize it. He used to have a clean room until that point.

 

I could go on and on about this, but you pretty much get the point. PLEASE, I DESPERATELY NEED ADVICE…This is driving me to insanity…This may not seem like a big issue, but the psychological abuse it does is absolutely overwhelming. I’m seriously about to knock some sense into his parents. All of this mistreatment bothers my boyfriend so much…I feel like the worst girlfriend because I can’t get him out of his currently………..I really need advice…I have no one to go to…We don't get to see each other much because of the work, and if it isn't done the parent's way, they ground my boyfriend, and don't let me see him. HIS BROTHER GOES UNPUNISHED.

[Kinkz]

Okay first of all relax, im reading your post now so will post a reply in a bit.

[Kinkz]

Okay so your BF is 18, he can move out anytime he wants. The law is on his side.

 

Also, if you really feel that your boyfriend has been so neglected that his has lost his ability to know whats right and wrong anymore, its about time that you get someone else involved, like people who are trained with dealing with this sort of stuff.

[savignon]

Could he move out and get an apartment with a buddy? I think what's more important than *you* confronting his parents (while I totally would feel the same way) is that he break away from such an unhealthy environment. He is enabling their behavior by giving them money, doing their chores, covering for his brother and giving massages, etc. to people who abuse him.

It would be fantastic for him if he could break the cycle and get out. He is not legally responsbible for their well-being and where they haven't felt morally obliged to treat him well, he doesn't need to either.

[Pikapie]

Could he move out and get an apartment with a buddy? I think what's more important than *you* confronting his parents (while I totally would feel the same way) is that he break away from such an unhealthy environment. He is enabling their behavior by giving them money, doing their chores, covering for his brother and giving massages, etc. to people who abuse him.

It would be fantastic for him if he could break the cycle and get out. He is not legally responsbible for their well-being and where they haven't felt morally obliged to treat him well, he doesn't need to either.

....You, madam, are a genius! I never realized that he is fueling the fire by obeying...The problem is, the moment he stops doing work, is the moment I'm not allowed to come over. They know we are in love, and don't allow us to see each other when they aren't happy.

[Pikapie]

Okay so your BF is 18, he can move out anytime he wants. The law is on his side.

 

Also, if you really feel that your boyfriend has been so neglected that his has lost his ability to know whats right and wrong anymore, its about time that you get someone else involved, like people who are trained with dealing with this sort of stuff.

Unfortunately, he thinks moving out and getting an apartment right away isn't a good idea...

 

I'm not sure if I want to get someone trained in this involved, because his parents say he doesn't do anything, and chances are, it'll be one heck of a hassle. But that is a good idea...But I doubt it would work...I'm still considering that idea. Thank you very much!

[Neo777]

Don't think of yourself as a bad girlfriend cause from what I've just read you are a really good girlfriend. To be honest with you if someone is there for me as much as you are for him then it would mean the world to me. Is there not a way where you two can find somewhere cheap to live together? cause it sounds to me that he needs to get out of there. I know what its like when there is people that won't listen to reason no matter what you say to them. I wish you both the best of luck.

[Pikapie]

Don't think of yourself as a bad girlfriend cause from what I've just read you are a really good girlfriend. To be honest with you if someone is there for me as much as you are for him then it would mean the world to me. Is there not a way where you two can find somewhere cheap to live together? cause it sounds to me that he needs to get out of there. I know what its like when there is people that won't listen to reason no matter what you say to them. I wish you both the best of luck.

Awww, thank you! Unfortunately, I still have one year of high school left...I don't want to drop out, but I may just have to and transfer to another school if I could be able to do that...D: It may not be possible though...

[Kinkz]

Unfortunately, he thinks moving out and getting an apartment right away isn't a good idea...

 

I'm not sure if I want to get someone trained in this involved, because his parents say he doesn't do anything, and chances are, it'll be one heck of a hassle. But that is a good idea...But I doubt it would work...I'm still considering that idea. Thank you very much!

 

From the way you have described his character, I think he thinks moving out is not a good idea because he somewhat feels obliged to do what he is being told to do by his parents. That is emotional abuse, he has lost his own freewill. Its your duty as a gf to get him out of there as soon as possible.

 

With all due respect, In my opinion I don't think it matters here if its going to be a hassle or not, your boyfriend is being traumatised day in and day out, you should do whatever it takes to get him out, seek legal advise, ask a teacher at your college for advice, etc.

[savignon]

he thinks moving out and getting an apartment right away isn't a good idea

 

This is what I thought you/he would say. Unfortunately, if he's not willing to break away from this, you can't make him. A lot of people in those kinds of relationships feel trapped and afraid to leave. It seems to be the nature of the beast. Since he's an adult, I'd start holding him more accountable for his circumstances. He is old enough now to move on and he's making a choice not to.

You can help by not excusing his life away and telling him you're uncomfortable in his house due to the way he's treated and not go there anymore. That might light a fire under his butt.

[Pikapie]

From the way you have described his character, I think he thinks moving out is not a good idea because he somewhat feels obliged to do what he is being told to do by his parents. That is emotional abuse, he has lost his own freewill. Its your duty as a gf to get him out of there as soon as possible.

 

With all due respect, In my opinion I don't think it matters here if its going to be a hassle or not, your boyfriend is being traumatised day in and day out, you should do whatever it takes to get him out, seek legal advise, ask a teacher at your college for advice, etc.

You're right...I hope he wouldn't be upset by me getting help from other people...Thank you. Who would you recommended that I talk to?

[Kinkz]

You're right...I hope he wouldn't be upset by me getting help from other people...Thank you. Who would you recommended that I talk to?

 

Before you do talk to someone, it would be best to talk to him about it first. Ask him stuff like..

why does he think its not a good idea to move out?

why do you let those people treat you in a horrid way?

 

see what his answers are. Then if you feel, he is not in his right senses, then like I said before.. ask a teacher at your college for help, tell them exactly whats been goin on etc

 

They should then point you to the right people who can really help with putting things into action.

[Pikapie]

he thinks moving out and getting an apartment right away isn't a good idea

 

This is what I thought you/he would say. Unfortunately, if he's not willing to break away from this, you can't make him. A lot of people in those kinds of relationships feel trapped and afraid to leave. It seems to be the nature of the beast. Since he's an adult, I'd start holding him more accountable for his circumstances. He is old enough now to move on and he's making a choice not to.

You can help by not excusing his life away and telling him you're uncomfortable in his house due to the way he's treated and not go there anymore. That might light a fire under his butt.

That would be a good idea, but extremely hard on him...But maybe it would turn out to majorly benefit him in the end. We are planning on moving into a dorm together next Fall, (not this upcoming Fall) but that is over a year from now, and I can't just wait it out.

[Pikapie]

Before you do talk to someone, it would be best to talk to him about it first. Ask him stuff like..

why does he think its not a good idea to move out?

why do you let those people treat you in a horrid way?

 

see what his answers are. Then if you feel, he is not in his right senses, then like I said before.. ask a teacher at your college for help, tell them exactly whats been goin on etc

 

They should then point you to the right people who can really help with putting things into action.

Thank you! The first question is a good one to ask him. But I know the second one. I asked him that one before. His answer: "They're my parents. It's not like I can avoid them..." He may not sound like he's too terribly intelligent by being silly like that, but he is a genius! I think he wants to wait because he qualifies for OVR, which means he gets free college basically.

[savignon]

It's not unreasonable that you would stop going somewhere where you're exposed to such anger and mistreatment. It's not a "threat" to him or an ultimatum. It's setting a boundary. Maybe he will learn from your example. And suggesting that he move out or otherwise take more responsibility for his life is "tough love" and a wake up call...not mean. The more time he spends there, the less he will be able to develop his own sense of self.

[Pikapie]

It's not unreasonable that you would stop going somewhere where you're exposed to such anger and mistreatment. It's not a "threat" to him or an ultimatum. It's setting a boundary. Maybe he will learn from your example. And suggesting that he move out or otherwise take more responsibility for his life is "tough love" and a wake up call...not mean. The more time he spends there, the less he will be able to develop his own sense of self.

Thank you...I will talk to him tonight, right before he goes to bed. Ha, it will literally be a "Wake up call" for him, hopefully...

[Ebrithil]

This is kind of like an extram dominance test, and you kind of have to learn to play the game, his parents are using aggression to keep him in check as hes probobly not somone who likes conflict, and will do anything for a bit of peace.

He needs to learn to stand up for himself if anything but in a way he is in controle of the situation, if they tell him hes grounded he can say try and stop me. If they keep yelling and abusing him he needs to learn to walk out teach them if they yell he goes away, he goes away nothing gets done they will soon learn to appreciate it.

The idea of getting help or an outside body to help is good but I think the best thing you can do is speak to your boyfriend about seeing a conciler or somthing, at least that way its profesional outside advice.

I think you must be one exceptional girlfriend to him, a lot of girls in the same situation would have cut lose and run long ago the fact that you are on here asking for help for him, supporting him and caring about his well being shows the strength of you charictor and affection for him.

Good luck with it all.

[Pikapie]

I appreciate your help! It may not work, but that is a VERY good idea. He isn't an a** like his brother is, so unfortunately, it is harder for him to get away with it, but if I tell him, he'll do it. We're pretty much at the point where we are about to say, " what the parents say!" Excuse my bad language, I am very much upset...

[Ebrithil]

I can appreciate the way you feel I had a very close friend whos parents held her back with emotional barriours and felt much the same way some times.

 

He doesnt have to be aggressive or rude he just needs to be firm, as long as he has your support and somwhere to go it will work, and when he gets some peace away from his parents itll become easier for him to do.