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Ex and I have seen each other several times. What to do?


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I’ve been on an on-again, off-again merry-go-round with my ex for nearly five months. I broke up with him. Only after I broke up with did I begin to suspect that he has Asperger’s. He has very non-typical communication patterns, is extremely intelligent, and is very socially awkward. What’s more, his parents and siblings pressure him to only date Jewish. (I am not Jewish.) They disowned him for three years a long time ago for being with a non-Jewish woman. (Pretty sad, huh?) He’s 40 years old and has never been married. He’s a physician and spends so many hours in the hospital ... often 15 or more. He has an almost encyclopedic knowledge of medicine and can discuss it ad nauseum with me.


After we broke up, we got together on Valentine’s Day. He later told me that he recently started dating a Jewish woman that someone fixed him up with and that he did not want to be hurt anymore with me, therefore he couldn’t go out with me anymore at this time. In short, he said he was really hurt that I broke it off. When I broke it off, I also tried to make him jealous by telling him I was going to go out with someone else. He cited that as causing him excessive pain. (He hurt me, but seems to have little conception of that ... I discuss that below). However, we went out again two times after said that ... prior to our recent time together. The last time was at the beginning of April. We kissed, but never had sex. I wouldn’t go home with him.


We got together last Monday to share pictures from trips that we both took. (He often vacations with his family.) When he came over, we had dinner and had sex. He slept over and I asked him if he still has a girlfriend. He said “no, if wasn’t a match.” I asked him if I was safe regarding sex. He told me that they had sex only one time and it was horrible ... he said it was “embarrassing.” Then he proceeded to tell me that she didn’t make him laugh ... (like I do ... He was alluding to the fact that we spend so much time laughing and having a good time when we are together, which he has noted.) We had good sex twice.


When he left, he sent me a text that day telling me that he had a really nice time visiting and thanked me for my hospitality. (I never brought him into my place before!) He told me that he loves my place.


I subsequently wrote back that I also had a nice time. I invited him to dinner again last week. He didn’t reply. I sent him an e-mail with funny comments about something he loves, and he didn’t respond. Finally, I sent him a brief message on Saturday asking him to go to a restaurant/bar sometime this week for food and/or a drink. He hasn’t responded. I am crushed that we had sex and I have no clarity on his intentions. I realize that sex does not mean we are committed, but since I am very scrupulous (he waited a LONG time to have sex with me) I feel very betrayed.


Much of the reason I broke up with him was related to his sporadic communication and the fact that he didn’t pick up the phone to call me. When we dated, he would disappear ... no communication for periods of time that I NEVER experienced before. Moreover, if he indeed has Asperger’s this family pressure seems even more unreasonable.


Although I have a blocked number, I called him once but did not leave a message. It’s entirely possible that he suspected it was me and just did not pick up. Please help!

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I'm not sure there's anything that you can do. You've reached out to him several times, and he hasn't responded (yet). Until and unless he does, it seems to me that your only option is to go on with your life, on the assumption that he is not in it.


It's difficult to tell what is going on with him. In particular, if he was really hurt that you broke it off and you (seemingly unnecessarily) tried to make him jealous by advising him that you were going to go see someone else ... he may not have had completely innocent motives in choosing to have sex with you, as his ex. (By "innocent" motives, I mean just wanting to have sex with you, as opposed to wanting to "get back at you" in some way.)


As for being "very scrupulous" - honestly, having sex with exes usually doesn't fall into that category. What I mean by that is -- it is a form of sex without commitment, and it's done at a time when you have no way of knowing exactly what the other person is feeling, but the odds that they are feeling 100% happy with you are extremely low. In other words, the time to get clarity on an ex's intentions is BEFORE resuming a sexual relationship with them. Not intending to seem judgmental here, as I learned this lesson through trial and error myself.


Go on with your life and assume he's out of it. If that's wrong and he does get back to you, then reassess what role you would like him to play in his life. It'll probably work best if you two figure things out verbally before getting physical again - as I've learned, doing things the other way around usually goes badly for at least one person.

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Whoops! I made a typo when I wrote "(he waited a LONG time to have sex with me)" --- It should say "I waited a LONG time to have sex with him."


Thank you for your replies. Moving, you may be right about the not-so-innocent motives. I realize that it would be best to talk face-to-face. It is hard to hang tight ... with someone who has so many issues. At 40, it seems so odd that his parents have such a role in picking his partner. Moreover, there are the Asperger-like issues. (Asperger's affects someone's perception of social cues, social appropriateness, feeling ... where the individual does not really understand someone else's feeling ...) I wrote all of this in case you didn't know, but of course I know you may.

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