its been a month and im unsure of what to do

[hellohello1]

so my bf of 2.5 years broke up with me exactly a month ago today, claiming he is confused, needs to find himself before he can be in a relationship, needs to find his identity, still loves me, hopes we can be together one day, thinks we probably will be, doesnt want to make promises though, thinks this breakup will be good for our relationship..towards the end i was extremely clingy/controlling/jealous..we are both in our early-mid 20s if that matters

 

this month i have learned a lot about what i can improve on and what i was doing and im actively trying to fix these issues so that i can be a better person and a partner to either my ex boyfriend or someone else in the future. anyway so the first week and a half i initiated contact every few days, basically begging and whatnot..i have not initiated contact in 17 days now, which has been tough..

 

i guess my question is regarding my not initiating the contact. he has contacted me i believe 5 or 6 times in the past 17 days..we both work in the same building so i mean we are bound to run into each other, but he has actually seen me without me seeing him and ive been far ahead of him and he has chased me and yelled my name to initiate a conversation. i do want him back one day, as i do honestly feel that he is the person i want to spend my life with and he has said as recent as a week ago that he feels the same way..ever since i stopped initiating contact he has tried ways to reach me, even inviting me over last week. he has told me he is not seeing anyone and does not plan on it, hes trying to figure out who he is, as when we were together it was more like us as a couple, and he feels like he lost part of himself (we literally hung out every day and communicated all day long via text, which i know now is not what to do)..for example, we always go to nhl hockey games in a city 4 hours away just to see our favourite team play, we go twice a year. these are in the winter of course, yesterday he randomly texted me telling me about the dates of the games..its just very confusing. whenever he contacts me, i do typically reply, but i wait a while and i just say something friendly but nothing about the relationship and nothing very emotional. additionally, he always has the last word..i only reply if it is a question or something like that..

 

is this what i should be doing?? i just dont know. i am trying to heal but i would really like a relationship with him in the future, and he is unsure at this point in time if thats what he wants, or at least thats what he said a couple of weeks ago..should i be responding to his contact the way i am? should i be ignoring it? it is too early for us to start anything again, adn we have both acknowledged that, but it is something that we would most likely try in the relatively near future..any advice would be appreciated

[Cadence44]

Hi there. It sounds like you're doing just fine.

 

From your description it would seem like he's panicking a bit and trying to keep communication open for whatever reason. Considering that this is his reaction when he sees that you're withdrawing and possibly moving on, you should keep going with it. Be confident and friendly when you see him, but cut the conversation off pretty quickly. With the texting, don't always respond to him, but when you do wait differing times to send a reply.

 

I think you missed a bit of an opportunity when he was telling you about the dates of the hockey games, since going to them was something you did together. It could have been a great opening to say "I bet you'll have fun" or "Sounds great but I'm not sure why you're telling me about this" or something else that shows him that you've accepted the breakup and aren't counting on reuniting. By saying something like that, you'd almost be forcing his hand and he'd have to start communicating about his intentions. If you're ready to hear what he's thinking, I'd take the next opportunity to do something similar.

[soul12]

he's a guy.....he'll be back.....just make sure that it is something that you want. from what you said he made it very clear that you are someone special to him. just give it time you'll be fine.

[hellohello1]

i appreciate the replies guys, its helpful. thanks for listening to me. thats a good idea cadence, i will do take advantage if the opportunity arises again. i guess i just wanted confirmation that i was doing the right thing! regardless of what happens, at least with him, it definitely seems that the less i push and the more i pull away from him the more he comes to me..thanks guys

[Kia-Kaha]

hellohello,

 

Be careful here. I think you are on the right track for right now, he does seem to come to you the more you pull back. But right now he is doing all the work, what happens when he starts to decide not to come to you without you doing anything?

 

You have not moved on (hey neither have I, so lets be honest here) and I am not saying that you should change anything you are doing right now. But at some point (hopefully you will know when) he will need you to start meeting him halfway again.

[hellohello1]

you guys are right..

 

im having a really really difficult time right now, i dont know why..weekends are always the hardest..i went out last night and had fun, just staying in tonight..man i feel terrible..for some reason..i havent had a little crying fit thing in nearly 2 weeks but am having one right now..just miss him really, really bad..i will not contact him (im on day 18 of me not initiating contact)..im just in pain right now..i really just miss him..im really working on myself..i hope everything he says is true and i hope he does want to be wtih me..sorry about my rant..just crying and missing him really bad and thinking about how good it could be..

 

im thinking about all of the love songs he sang to me, he is such a romantic..everytime ive seen him since the breakup he has been crying, says he loves me..ugh its just so hard because i know how much we do truly love each other..sometimes i think were going through a rough patch, and i totally do believe this is breakup is what we needed..hes in a city that we visited last year and had the most amazing trip..last week he told me how difficult it was going to be going there and he has already thought about it all the time about how hes going to miss me so bad there..it just hurts..

 

just needed to express myself and didnt want to ruin my NC..

[marshmallito]

Hang in there, I know it is tough. But as far as hoping to reconcile, you are in a great place here.

Feel comfort in the fact you know he will continue to reach out to you.

I hope you are learning how to live independently and learning to enjoy your own company. It does sound like you lost yourself in this relationship too.

[hellohello1]

thanks marsmallito. i certainly am. ive been really busy, and i certainly did lose myself in our relatoinship. we were just way too close, there was no mystery between us..im doing things that i used to do before, and i love it. i know that the next relationship i enter, whether with him or someone else, i never want to lose myself again.

[hellohello1]

hi guys. just an update and i was wondering if anyone could help me out -

 

so we hadnt spoken in about a week, i added some new pics of me out wtih some friends to facebook - the next day he messages me on facebook, i wait like a day or two to write back and i am polite but not very talkative..he asked me how i was i just said ive been busy and stuff he said he was ok. then he started out of no where saying how he has been very emotional about us lately and he is confused and hurt and is having a tough time with this ..i responded by saying i am sorry you are confused, i am sure you will be able to sort through your feelings, somethings take time,

 

afterwards he sent me antoher message basically reiterating what he initially said and then said he thought by now things would be clear to him but he does not know what he wants and he does not know how being alone is treating him and he thought things would be figured out by now but he does know what to think about him being alone, really emotional..i just said you know i hope things get better for you, if you ever want to talk about it in greater detail youre more than welcome to...he said i appreciate it a lot i may do that, i said ok well im going to bed have a goodnight..and that was that..

 

it was strange how he just brought it up..i have not initiated any form of contact in 25 days its been kind of tough..were my replys ok? i never said a thing about myself or how i feel or asked any questions which i think is what he was looking for and was perhaps surprised i wasnt and thats why he kept reiterating..

 

does anyone have any help, thoughts, advice? should i have said what i said?

[hellohello1]

can anyone help at all please??

 

im having a downhill moment right now, missing him reallll bad, weekends are rough..

[marshmallito]

hey there,

Everything sounds perfect to me. He is still reaching out to you. Eventually he will have to bite the bullet and tell you what he really wants. When he knows what that is, anyway. You should feel secure in this "relationship".

Have fun! If you can't get out and socialize, at least exercise, beautify yourself or your home. Cook something. Anything you enjoy, or that is constructive. You are always responsible for your own happiness whether single or attached.

[Cadence44]

I think you did really well with your replies.

 

I will caution you that if he is telling you he is still confused it's still a danger zone for you. It is not up to you to help him with his confusion. You held your cards close when he messaged you that stuff which is good since it's likely that he was fishing for whether you were still an option to him. I'm glad you didn't reassure him because if you did he would probably have felt better with that knowledge and distanced himself again.

 

In terms of when you should show interest in him: for your emotional safety, you can only do that when his intentions are clear to you. He's not at that point yet. If you think it's getting to that stage but you still don't feel certain on what he wants, you'll have to ask him what his intentions are. It's only after you are clear on those that you can start to let down your guard. But keep in mind that you do not want to chase him. He's the one that ended the previous relationship, so it's up to him to do much of the work of rebuilding a new one in order to show you that he's serious and to regain your trust.

 

I think you're holding up well and I'm impressed with your ability to be kind and polite to him when you're still feeling badly. Doing that requires a lot of maturity. Keep doing what you're doing, and keep moving toward distancing yourself. He needs to continue to feel that he's losing you before he'll be compelled to sort out his confusion.

[SammyJennings]

can anyone help at all please??

 

im having a downhill moment right now, missing him reallll bad, weekends are rough..

 

Hey honey, sounds like you've had it rough...

I know what you're going through... A couple of months ago my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue saying that we had grown apart I still love him soooo much and miss him incredibly I don;t know what to do... advice please!!

Take Care

Sammy xx

[MissyMolly]

I don't know if this valuable or not, but it seems that he broke up to sort out his feelings, but is still using you for a mental cushion. It might not be a bad idea to break up with HIM right back and let him know YOU need some time to sort out YOUR confusion as well. This will give you a breather from him (maybe - it sounds like he contacts you frequently), and remind him that you are going through the break up too. Hopefully he can respect your need for time. Maybe let him know you guys can revisit this in 2 weeks or a month, and make a date to talk about things then after strict NC.

I agree with what Cadence has said about this.....

[hellohello1]

i appreciate your guys replies, it means a lot!! i think my friends are tired of listening to me so i am trying to not talk about this as much to them! hehe

 

i appreciate the advice. cadence i definitely agree he certainly is still confused. i think he has to be at lesat a bit surprised i havent reached out to him in almost a month and am seeming to be doing well whenever i bump into him or have any form of contact, he definitely is still confused..its hard to know what his intentions are...

 

i think its probably best that i dont even try to really analyze his intentions, as i cannot control his. however, i can control my replies and what i do..overanalyzing for me always seems to lead to assumptions..which can be wrong much of the time, so i think i should just keep doing what im doing..thanks for the confirmation guys

[hellohello1]

ugh, so tonight i go on facebook and look at his page (whoops!) and he just added a bunch of pictures..some are with girls and he has their arms around them and stuff, these girls are quite a bit younger than him and one he has both his arms around..i dont think it sanything, especially since they were taken 3 days ago, the day before he messages me about him being emotional and hurt and confused about being single...

 

he knows for a fact i will see these pics (i recently added my own pics, but nothing with me physically contacting guys) i wonder if hes doing it to hurt me. he is clearly inebriated in the pictures..not kissing anyone or anything liek that! but its obvious he is at some party with some people..it just hurts..i am not going to say aynthing though..i really do wonder if this is all about a power struggle..i have pulled away 26 days ago and perhaps this is to try to agitate me or get a reaction ( he knows that i will see them and it might make me scared or worried)

[marshmallito]

Isn't surrounding yourself or being seen with women meant to be a strategy men use to attract women? He may be feeling insecure and wanting to make himself look more desirable, to you or women generally.

[hellohello1]

thats a good point..perhaps he is..its funny he adds pics like the night after i do and he hasnt added any in 3 years