Not showing enough affection

[unkle]

My girlfriend and I have been together about 3 and a half years, and living together for the past 6 months. Last night said to me that she feels unhappy with our relationship and that she doesn't feel she gets the support and affection from me that she needs... There's been a few occasions earlier in the year where she's said similar things, but always when we're both drunk, and the conversation is either forgotten/ignored/denied the following morning. Last night was another drunken conversation, but I kinda feel like it's come to a head and needs confronting properly..

 

It makes me sad that she's unfulfilled - especially because I've felt really happy with our relationship over the past few weeks.. I thought she had seemed much happier too, but I guess I was wrong!

 

I want things to get better between us, but I don't want to feel like I have to do and say things that don't come naturally to me.. I'm not a particularly emotive person at the best of times, and I don't tend to give people (anyone) many compliments as I tend to feel a bit false when I do - not that I don't mean the things I say, but it's fair to say I'm more about actions and gestures than words..

 

Am I being unreasonable? I lack the perspective to know whether it's 'normal' to feel this way, or whether I should just do the things I know will make her happy, even if I don't feel particularly happy doing them?

[HouseKitten]

I think something has probably changed since you were first together or she wouldn't suddenly have a problem after 3+ years - unless these drunken conversations have been happening for all those years. Perhaps you were more affectionate when things were new and shiny, which is not unusual.

 

Maybe moving in together is part of the issue. Things can lose a bit of their magic if you go from making time to meet up and going on dates, to seeing each other every single day from your best to your worst.

 

Have you thought about having a date night once a week to get back some of that romantic feeling? A married couple I know do this and they've said it helps keep things feeling special for them.

[karvala]

Am I being unreasonable? I lack the perspective to know whether it's 'normal' to feel this way, or whether I should just do the things I know will make her happy, even if I don't feel particularly happy doing them?

 

The latter. Some of the worst relationship crimes are committed under the flag of "I'm just being myself". It's a poor excuse for poor treatment. Being in a relationship means considering someone else's happiness alongside your own, and sometimes that means compromising on exactly how you would normally behave and doing things that will help the other person to feel happier. Relationships require mutual goodwill, a mutual desire for each other's happiness, to survive. They won't survive if each individual just behaves how they would ideally like to behave without regard for the effect it has on the other.

[geekgirl4]

Karvala said it just right. If all people ever did was based on their own self interest and what's natural to them, nobody would be able to be in a relationship. Stop being selfish and make an effort. Don't make the mistake thinking just because you have the girl that nothing else really needs to be done.

[JessieGirl]

Exactly what Karvala and geekgirl said.

 

A relationship is all about compromise. If your girlfriend asks just for a little affection, you can't think to do that? Even if it doesn't come to you naturally? If you really care for her..which it seems like you do...then make a conscious effort to make her feel appreciated by meeting her needs!

Otherwise, another man might do it.

 

She's not asking much...

 

And perhaps she tends to bring this up when the two of you are drunk because she doesn't want to seem abrasive or needy. Trust me..girls are afraid of chasing you guys away by our needs.

 

So man up and do what she's asking...that is if your serious enough about the relationship and wanting to keep her.

[unkle]

Thanks for the reality check, people.. I got caught totally off-guard and felt somewhat ambushed, so my immediate reaction was to become super defensive, which I can see now was a totally dumb way of thinking.

 

I suspect there's a bunch of things we need to talk about, but you've given me the perspective I needed to keep things reasonable.