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How do I tell a friend that he can't come to my party but stay friends?


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My situation is this:


I virtually never throw parties since for quite some time, I had the (stupid) perception that if you e.g. throw a party on every birthday, you're too self-obsessed and it took me quite some time to realize that it is quite ok - especially since most people I know, do it. And I even envied them because of it but couldn't change my habit of not celebrating, since I felt that changing such a habit would seem strange.


However, now I have a very good reason to throw a party and think it could be very nice and that I could really enjoy it but there's a crux. Since it's the first time in many years that I throw one, I really want to make sure that I enjoy it and ensuring that, would mean that I cannot invite a guy that I nevertheless consider a friend.


The thing is, he simply has some self-control issues and explaining any of this to him in advance wouldn't do any good since I know that he acknowledges his short fuse and the times he has made a complete fool of himself (e.g. thrown a tantrum when I picked up a girl), would've taught him more self-control than anything I could say. So if I don't want to take the risk of him ruining things for me, I simply cannot invite him, which is why I ask for advice how to say it?

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I agree. Most friends, especially if you're close, will take it harshly. Any friend that you opt out from something that you're doing must not be important enough to you. I know if it happened to me, I wouldn't be a friend of theirs very long. Friendships are worth more than popularity.

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hiya yea i have to agree with everyone else..i mean i understand how you feel, and it is your birthday party but put yourself in your friends shoes, wouldn't you feel bad if they said" hey buddy, we;re friends and all but you can't come to my birthday party?" especially when you said you don't celebrate it too often. I think if i was your friend i would feel really hurt that you didnt want me at your party, especially on a special day like your birthday. There really isn't a good way of telling your friend they can't come without them being hurt and possibly feeling like your not really there friend at all. Are you sure that there aren't any other reasons as to why you really don't want your friend to come to your party?..what do you think your friends gonna do?

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It's your party, so you can "cry if you want to"... I do not think you should exclude him if he's your friend. If he acknowledges his behavior, kindly ask him to keep his cool because you'd like it if he was there to have a good time with you. HOWEVER, since it's YOUR party, you have the right to deny him any more alcohol, tell him to leave, or whatever you feel like doing, if it gets out of hand. At least give him the chance...

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Tadams is dead on. So is everyone else, but if you want to stay friends, you should at LEAST give him a chance.


Thanks. It's good to know I don't come up with useless jibberish advice. I always like to help when I can...


I hope this situation works out.

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Hmm... I suppose you're all right in saying that there is no way of saying such a thing. Especially, if I think of what our mutual friends will think. I'm really torn about what I should do.


Now, I don't know what the reasons for his behavior are and there might be some trauma explaining it but most of the time, it's nice to be friends with him since he's very friendly, helpful and funny. But it doesn't take alcohol to upset him - it's impossible to predict, it can be something as ridiculous as losing a game of mini golf. And when something like that annoys the living hell out of him, he either loses his temper, which is preferable, or worse: becomes more calculating in annoying whoever annoys him, which means that he instead of being the really kind and sensitive guy that he can be, he seemingly clumsily and innocently steers the discussion to something as unpleasant as possible for whoever he wants to annoy and he always knows very well how to do it (e.g. "look at that, such a beautiful girl...but she's way too young for us", if he knows that whoever he's talking to is still very sad over a breakup and thinks that the girl left him because she thought he was too old). So it's like a gamble - he could be a really nice guest or he could become upset and really try to inflict pain, if something annoys him. And since it on this particular occasion would be much harder to brush off what he says, I just wouldn't want to gamble.

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