Is this normal?

[cutiepie0308]

So I need to know if my parents are being reasonable or out of their minds crazy...

 

They sat me down and told me Im at an age where I need to start thinking about marriage. That I will be over the hill and undesirable in about 3-5 years ( Im currently 25). They then gave me a list of qualities that my husband must have. This is limited to men from out homecountry ( East Africa) and the list was extremley specific ( including being Christian, a lawyer or doctor, cant be more than 5 years older, cant be younger, no history of obseity, diabetes, heart disease, or any kind of mental disorders etc).

I am currently fincancially strapped because of school loans ( about $100,000) and Im a grad student with little in savings. They are using this to their advantage by saying:

 

If I comply, I will be rewarded: loans paid off, $10,000/yr for 5 yrs, down payment on a house, $25,000 wedding gift, paid wedding and honeymoon.

 

If I dont, they will not only cut me off financially, but I will no longer be a part of the family. Same goes for my younger sister who is 21 when she becomes "of age".

 

I was born in Africa but grew up in the US. Im as American as they get, but obviously they are not. So is this normal parenting in ANY culture? are they really as concerned about me finding a good man, or is this more about prestige and impressing their friends? What should I do? take a chance at finding love or going for the money?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I would laugh my parents out of the room.

 

I'm very much American and my parents have no say in who I date or marry. And, they definitely have no say in when I should marry.

 

I do not know your parents but if you have a good relationship with them, it's probably them being good natured and looking out for you.

 

In the end, you're at a weird place. Do you want to be traditional and go your parents route, worry completely about your own choices, or do a mix of both methods? It's ultimately up to you and what makes you happy.

[turnera]

Marry someone, let them pay off your loans, and then get a divorce.

 

Seriously, though, what you need is more communication. Let them know how you feel, that you love them but being raised in a different culture means that you won't see things the way they do, etc. Talk to them.

[cutiepie0308]

Hmm Im not sure what their motives are but they admitted that a part of it is prestige, a part of it is wanting the best for their daughters.

 

They are not aware I am currently dating someone they would never approve of. But they do know who my sister is dating and because hes got none of the qualities they admire, he will NEVER be welcome. Does that sound like concerned parents? the reason they despise him so much is because hes of a different race and not a doctor or lawyer. They do not care that hes the perfect gentleman.

[cutiepie0308]

turnera its nore complicated. Divorce is not an option unless hes abusive in some way. And Im actually in love with someone. Unfortunatley hes also a financially strapped student as well, and worse yet hes in another state

[Cognitive_Canine]

Is your sister happy?

 

I think you should talk to her about these things since you are in the same situation.

[cutiepie0308]

Shes miserable. They want her to dump him and allow them to find a "more suitable mate". Shes been with her boyfriend for almost 2 years and couldnt just walk away for money. She thinks we should leave the family and take our chances...

 

I only asked for advice because I wanted to see if its normal for parents to be that concerned with their adult children's love lives

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd say it's normal to be concerned but it's not normal (for American's and most of Europe at least) to be that involved in your adult child's love life.

[cutiepie0308]

Thought so. Not sure if its even normal in my culture ( we're not allowed to disclose this to any family members so Im guessing thats a no).

 

I barely escaped an arranged marriage last year. He was a wonderful guy, but I felt absolutley nothing and it made me depressed and suicidal. They think now because I at least have a say from the pool of guys they will bring, that I will be happy but Im not so sure.

 

I know what I have to do, but its scary

[Cognitive_Canine]

Thought so. Not sure if its even normal in my culture ( we're not allowed to disclose this to any family members so Im guessing thats a no).

 

I barely escaped an arranged marriage last year. He was a wonderful guy, but I felt absolutley nothing and it made me depressed and suicidal. They think now because I at least have a say from the pool of guys they will bring, that I will be happy but Im not so sure.

 

I know what I have to do, but its scary

 

It is scary.

 

Because, even if you do choose you aren't guaranteed happiness. And, you're worried that if you do make your own decisions, your parents will resent you for it. Which is scary when they are your largest support.

 

I'm sorry but this is completely up to you. I don't want to advise you to go out on your own and do your own thing and then for you to get hurt due to my advice.

 

If I had to choose between my own love life and my mother, I'd choose my love live. But, I don't have a good relationship with my mother to begin with. I'd feel like I was choosing to make a stand for myself.

[cutiepie0308]

I know, its a tough thing. I never thought in a million years I'd be put in such a position and I actually resent them more than they'll ever know. They used a lot of dirty tricks/mind games to get me vulnerable emotionally. They convinced me that nobody would want me and that I should take what I can get....that my ex fiance was my one and only shot at marriage and that I was an embarrasment for being 24 and unmarried.

 

Theres a lot to the story that I didnt add, but thank you for your opinions. Im not guaranteed happiness either way, but years from now, if I choose my parent's route, I know I will always wonder how life would have been like if I had chosen my current boyfriend.

 

thanks again

[Citlali]

Actually, you are guaranteed happiness if you do what you want to do, because frankly, doing what they want you to do is the opposite of that. Having lots of school loans is hard, but it's not enough, at least to me, to give up my freedom and happiness. Neither is a paid wedding or honeymoon. I think you have let their words and actions get to you and make you actually consider their path. You need to not allow that. It's your life. Maybe in their culture it's acceptable, and indeed normal, but you grew up in a different culture and they need to realize that. But if they don't, you need to take charge and live your own life.

 

Edit: Glad to see you got out of the arrange marriage, though. I hope one day to see you got out of your parent's influence and control over you. I'm sure they love you and think they're doing what is best, but you are your own person. You deserve better.

[turnera]

I know, its a tough thing. I never thought in a million years I'd be put in such a position and I actually resent them more than they'll ever know.

That's why I was saying you need to talk more. You'll eventually have to disappoint them, but in the meantime you can be setting up a healthier relationship with them that will hopefully be able to withstand their anger/disappointment when you do.

 

btw, I was just joking about the divorce.

[Hermes]

No Cutie, it is NOT normal.

 

Is this normal?

 

And to me this sounds utterly crazy.

 

This is limited to men from out homecountry ( East Africa) and the list was extremley specific ( including being Christian, a lawyer or doctor, cant be more than 5 years older, cant be younger, no history of obseity, diabetes, heart disease, or any kind of mental disorders etc).

 

I mean what do they think. That any suitor will be sent for a full medical screening to ensure he will never have any illness? Leaving aside that no one can tell what the future holds.

 

Also, if they loved you as a daughter they would not resort to blackmail (ugly word I know). "Cut you off from the family". What kind of family is that?

 

 

And the answer is yes, to your last question:

 

is this more about prestige and impressing their friends?

 

 

H

[Notreadyet87]

Your family sounds similar to mine, though they are not that pushy about marriage at this point(I'm only 23). Though they do have a specific plan for me to follow, who to marry, and the list goes on.

 

At some point you'll have to make a decision your sanity and happiness, versus family approval and prestige.

 

And since divorce is not an option, I would tread this decision clearly.

 

I DEFINITELY think that is all about impressions, prestige, materialism and the whole sorts. My parents are the same way.

 

It isn't healthy for them to impose those things on you, UNLESS you have the same value system(which you don't).

 

If i were in your position I'd risk being disowned.

 

Good luck.

[cutiepie0308]

Well, i risked it, and it ended up with my father beating me, dragging me by the arm, and trying to throw me down a flght of stairs. He then took my cell phone and left the house. Went through all my messages and now knows ALL my personal bussines. ALL. Im more upset that they know the "true me". Im embarrased, ashamed ( steamy texts with my boyfriend who they didnt know existed) and I just feel plain naked. These are secrets I was going to go to the grave with....

[cutiepie0308]

And Im stll where I stated; at their home

[turnera]

Why don't you leave? Hell, you could call the police on him if you wanted to. Not recommending it, but you DO have rights.

[FarthestEdge]

Well, i risked it, and it ended up with my father beating me, dragging me by the arm, and trying to throw me down a flght of stairs. He then took my cell phone and left the house. Went through all my messages and now knows ALL my personal bussines. ALL. Im more upset that they know the "true me". Im embarrased, ashamed ( steamy texts with my boyfriend who they didnt know existed) and I just feel plain naked. These are secrets I was going to go to the grave with....

 

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this.

 

IMO, this tells me that what they want from you has nothing to do with your happiness, and everything to do with their image.

 

So you know. Your compliance is more important to them than your happiness. So do you want to spend your life in fear of disappointing them, or do you want to face your fears of failure and of doing it on your own?

 

I know what my choice would be. You are a grown woman, and while your intimate secrets with your bf are private, your fathers decision to invade that privacy shouldn't make YOU feel ashamed and embarassed, HE should be ashamed and embarassed.

 

Your sister is with you, so you may lose them, but they'd lose both of you. You'd still have her, and you wouldn't be alone.

[cutiepie0308]

Thanks guys, in order to get my phone back, I actually had to apologize for taking things too far. ME! btw I was tackled as I was trying to peacefully leave the house. My parents also demanded an apology letter from my sister, whose texts about them were considered "abusive". You read correctly, they snoop through my phone, find things about them that they dont like, then demand an apology. I also noticed my dad forwarded certain texts to my mom. Most were about them, but some were steamy texts between me and the boyfiend they didnt know I had. Whats more incredible, my mom actually wants deetails from certain texts! Like " oh, in this text, it says x, y, and z...what does that mean?"

 

I really really wanted to call the cops, but my mom stopped me. She said she would divorce him. Today, it looks like they're a happy couple with no divorce in sight.

[turnera]

So let her divorce him. You are not responsible for their relationship. You ARE responsible for your own. I hope you find peace.

[Notreadyet87]

I really think you need to get out of that situation. Your at an age where you CAN move out and live your own life.

As unfortunate as it is your parents are VERY wrong in this situation. And if you stay, you will have to continue to endure it.

I moved out three weeks ago. I'm relieved in a lot of ways. Though my situation was no where near as bad as yours.

You parents are being unreasonable and petty.