need some closure, another loss...

[misssmithviii]

Yesterday my man and I received a text from Joe (best friend of 4 years) saying that they had a "team meeting" (our close/family race team) and they all decided to let us go.

We saw this coming I guess, but we never thought it'd come to this... My man at least has been expecting it for awhile after all the needless, immature arguments and periodic acting-distant thing that the guys do every now and then.

 

Interestingly enough only last week we were all so close, kicking back with a bbq and confiding in each other as always. Next thing we know, out of nowhere and I mean literally - nothing happened out of the ordinary, no fights no nothing - we get the cold shoulder, silent treatment, then both of us are kicked out of the team that my man has co-owned for years.

 

I'm just trying to make sense of it all. It's hard because their reasoning was that they were tired of pretending to like me just so that my man will accept them. Apparently this whole time they hated me but they acted like they approved. They claim "no package deals". Once again, this came out of nowhere.

 

But then again what else could you expect from Joe when he's been through 20 cars, multitudes of girls he can't even keep around, and this constant need to be "faster" than my man? It's ridiculous how we never had this conflict with them, how we were all "family" but it ended so abruptly.

 

3rd party viewers have always said they can tell it's jealousy for the relationship my man and I have - racing together, working on cars together, no drama. Or they say it's also because Joe has always had this complex about my man being an equal if not faster driver, an actual future in life (because Joe refuses to go to college and has no ambition further than that). They continue on to dissect how every time my man is at the track often, Joe gets progressively more distant from us... every time Joe starts liking a girl, he becomes cold towards me.

 

We've always resolved it in the past, but it's been getting old. We were hoping to talk to Joe about this and come to some resolution but I guess it's true what the 3rd party viewers once said... we can't fix his own internal issues because we're not really the problem.

 

I guess I'm looking for some encouragement here... how to keep going to the track and driving while the entire team who was once so close is standing right there.

How to explain all of this? Do you guys agree with the 3rd party viewers?

The team gloats about how they cut us off in order to somehow gain something from it...? So confusing.

 

 

Not many of you will understand, I know. A team is so close... to lose that, and be blamed as the reason really stings.

[acfan]

Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there and take care of each other.

[hers]

What do you mean by "team" and your boyfriend "co-owning" it? Is this a group of friends or is it an actual team of something? I'm confuised?

[Miss Firecracker]

And why do they dislike you? They should have told him.

[misssmithviii]

What do you mean by "team" and your boyfriend "co-owning" it? Is this a group of friends or is it an actual team of something? I'm confuised?

 

We are... well were a part of a race team on the track. It was always considered to be "more than a team, but a family as well" so it really cut deep.

 

I was talking to our other friend today and he said, "They're stuck in stereotypical highschool it's stupid. There comes a time when a guy grows up and they got jealous since Steven doesn't hang out with them all the time like it used to be. They can't accept that then it's their fault, not yours."

[misssmithviii]

And why do they dislike you? They should have told him.

 

They never said! For years they considered me (or at least said and treated me) as a sister. We were all close and out of the blue they're claiming this. That's what's confusing, they said "No need to debate" as in they probably knew their reasons weren't legitimate.

 

I have never given them reason to dislike me, and if they did from the start or grew to - I don't care, then they shouldn't have led me on. But barely a week ago we were all kicking it at the track, I was practicing and everything was chill.

 

One thing our friend brought up was the potential fact that I get to drive Steven's race car, drive it hard and fast and learn with it - everybody else had their own cars and don't get to drive it. Perhaps they didn't like that privilege either...?

 

Ugh I'm slowly getting over it, but I have come to terms with it. My dad always said I cannot please everyone - but I've never experienced being accepted for so long then told it was "pretend" and suddenly for no reason, I'm ditched.. both of us.

[Miss Firecracker]

That part that disturbs me is that the friend acted differently toward you when he had a girlfriend. That's leading me to believe there is some sort of "thing" between you and him.

 

I have a hard time explaining why I feel this. It's because of a very personal experience I had with my own husband's best friend of many years. At one point, this man TOLD my husband to leave me. At the time, he thought it came from concern. Little did he know.

[misssmithviii]

That part that disturbs me is that the friend acted differently toward you when he had a girlfriend. That's leading me to believe there is some sort of "thing" between you and him.

 

I have a hard time explaining why I feel this. It's because of a very personal experience I had with my own husband's best friend of many years. At one point, this man TOLD my husband to leave me. At the time, he thought it came from concern. Little did he know.

 

I think it's just the wording, but I'm a little confused. My man and Joe were close friends before me, when I began this relationship with my man, I met Joe and we all became close friends. Other than that, I have heard other people make that suggestion - that perhaps the reason why the other guys (especially Joe) put me in the "sister" category was to keep themselves in check to not look at me as anything more.

 

Is this what you're suggesting as well? Because it seems more and more people stand with the explanation of it all being jealousy. Jealousy of our relationship.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think it's possible he wants you two to break up, yes. I hope I'm wrong about that, but you know, sometimes I just get a feeling about something. If he is openly blaming you for this, then he could be saying that, just hoping your boyfriend is so upset that he will dump you. Then he could be more than just a "brother" to you.

[misssmithviii]

I think it's possible he wants you two to break up, yes. I hope I'm wrong about that, but you know, sometimes I just get a feeling about something. If he is openly blaming you for this, then he could be saying that, just hoping your boyfriend is so upset that he will dump you. Then he could be more than just a "brother" to you.

 

Oh gosh... you aren't the first person to have suggested this and the thought alone disgusts me how people can be so selfish and cruel. But you are most definitely insightful that is for sure.

 

One thing that has bothered me is I have NEVER wanted to be the "reason" my man looses his friends - it's happened to me in the past and I really never wanted that. I did everything, I was myself and treated them with a closeness, a chivalrous courtesy and like true family...

 

My man's mom's reaction? And I quote: "What are they effing 10 year olds?!"

 

Hehe that made my day.

[IntotheWild]

I am also curious about the "co-owning" of the team. Legally, if you own part of something, you can't just be thrown out.

 

In any case, maybe it's a sign for you and him to start doing something else with cars. Go to the SBA, get a loan, and open up your own performance shop, or something of that nature.

[Miss Firecracker]

I know this is very hard on your boyfriend, to lose his friends. I expect he will go through a rough spell, so just be as supportive as you can. And be sure, no matter what happens, that you stay far away from that man...just in case. He may be a vulture.

[misssmithviii]

Although we are doing our own thing right now which does include opening up our own performance/tuning shop - thing is, we were planning on doing it including our team. That's the little bummer...

Thankfully, losing them doesn't change our future at all, and that's honestly the most comforting part for my man and myself.

 

My man tried to talk to Joe today actually and see if they could have a mature conversation about all of this mess and you know what happened? Joe brought up the subject of money... again! It has always been this underlying issue that my man comes from money and Joe comes from hardly any. That never changed the way my man felt for Joe as a close friend but apparently it's been a major problem. (Remember the first fight was about how my man bought me a hair straightener?!"

 

Steven said, "You know family doesn't just desert family."

Joe's response which made absolutely no sense whatsoever, "Maybe that's how it is in the rich world but not in my world."

 

What does that even mean?! Steven (my man) proceeded to say that he can't believe it's all gone back to money again, but Joe retorted with "It's about the choices you make..." We have no idea what choices Joe is talking about other than being with me.

 

Steven's planning on speaking to Joe one last time tonight. We'll see what happens.

 

What do you think are the best ways Steven can go about this?

[Miss Firecracker]

I ordered a hair straightener this week on Overstock. It will be here in a few days. I am not rich, but sometimes I splurge on nice things that may help me feel better about my appearance. I can't believe this man insulted your boyfriend for giving you a gift.

 

I would tell you to warn Steven about what I suspect, but I'll bet you would never do that. I know when it happened to me, when I suspected the worst thing, I held it inside because I thought it was horribly vain of me to think the things I did. And I expected my husband to hate me for saying something about his friend. But looking back, that is exactly what I should have done. It's like you're between a rock and a hard place.

[misssmithviii]

More information: apparently another reason is the guys want their "guy time" with Steven like it used to be. Whereas I can understand that completely, this problem suddenly came up out of nowhere and they used to enjoy hanging out with me too. If they were misleading after all these years, that's on them.

 

Our friend Chris talked to one of the guys and gathered that it sounds like Joe is testing Steven. As in, Joe's trying to test Steven's limits to almost sever our relationship (ugh). And no worries, I did mention what you said MissFirecracker and I'm not Joe's type, seeing as how he's blaming a lot of this on me and how he and the team (although they're just following Joe) wanted to see less of me.

 

Chris was also saying how this sounds ridiculous especially because of how the team was so close to me and how nothing happened to spark this up. He was saying how he doesn't care at all that Steven and I are together when we go out and hang out - he loves that Steven's happy with me, and he sees no reason to dislike me. Sure sometimes I get a little close to Steven and joke around - but Chris doesn't find that threatening or any of his business at all. He also mentioned how people grow up, and find a great relationship and how real friends accept that... they shouldn't care that I'm around - first and foremost because it's Steven's decision to have me around.

 

Now I'm feeling confused... am I really responsible for some of this? Or is it as everyone else including my man says - Joe's insecurities, personal issues and pride using me as a scapegoat?

 

This isn't a problem for many people I've known in relationships and friends - their friends could care less if another one of the guys always had their gf around, in fact they act no different and show her respect... same goes for girls with their boyfriends. The only times I've seen this become a problem (as it has now) is in middle school and high school.

My closest girl friend is married, and I've never once complained about "wanting things how they used to be" because people change, life changes and I'm happy for her that she's found a great guy - and I wouldn't DARE break the friendship over that or hold it against her... that just seems, childish to me.

 

Anyone agree?

[IntotheWild]

Hey miss,

 

I think your best bet at this point is to cut all contacts with Tester-Joe. You and your S.O. need some quality time without such interferences in your lives. I would suggest you and your guy just do your own thing for the next few years. Maybe 5 years down the road, if Joe comes back around with a new attitude, then reconsider the friendship. But for now, it's just a bunch of noise that you'll never be able to sort through.

 

The main problem here is that the problem is Joe's... in other words, he's the only one that can fix his attitude. Nothing you say or do can change it, and in fact, Joe's likely to just feed off the attention he gets by causing all of this drama, which in turn will cause him to perpetuate it even further.

 

Joe needs some quality life meditation time... a few years at least, of self-actualization and reflection. He needs the loss of you and your guy's friendship in order to realize that his piss-poor attitude does indeed cause loss and damage. If you keep hanging around, he's never going to see that. He may never anyways, but that's something you have no power over.

 

Move on and enjoy your life and let Joe sort through his own bitterness. He's the only one who can.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm not Joe's type, seeing as how he's blaming a lot of this on me and how he and the team (although they're just following Joe) wanted to see less of me.

 

There is a very fine line between love & hate.

 

And there is the competitive thing. If Joe can't have some of the things he envies in your boyfriend, maybe he will attempt to take something else. I know it's hard to imagine, but I have had this happen in my own life, so I do know it's possible for someone to be truly evil.