Dropping hints that you want the break rather than just saying it - need a girls view

[matius]

So now that I'm broken up I think back to all of the events I couldn't wrap my head around - something she said, or a question that came to mind she acted shady about, etc. etc.

 

Honestly, now they've become truly sadistic and I'm left wondering was I really that bad of a dude? I know I didn't do anything cruel - maybe I could have been better with her over all but...

 

So she was obviously hiding something to make me upset & end the relationship. All she had to do was end it by saying ... it ain't working out. I would have been sad but - this is different. She tried to leave me angry here.

 

I accept my role in all of this as far as not seeing the signs & what not. It went on way too long & I cared about her and she was playing the mixed signals. I figure she was just using me to get someone else & to eat for free. That's what I will always think of this person unless there's some other insight, lol.

 

In your mind, why waste the time and just not say it you want it over with?

[SocialStigma]

I don't know the back story but she was probably too cowardly to break it off herself and didn't want to be the bad guy, so she tried to make you angry in hopes that you would do it and she would be the victim.

[matius]

I don't know the back story but she was probably too cowardly to break it off herself and didn't want to be the bad guy, so she tried to make you angry in hopes that you would do it and she would be the victim.

 

I know it's hard without the back story, but you think it's that simple then? I mean it's easy to agree with that, but you'd be surprised the level of caginess and contempt in her hints. I mean looking at it now it's clear but you don't want to think that of someone who you feel is close. I feel there was some real malice.

 

She's living this other life & I must of been like a nat.

 

I think I'm looking for something more in this not because I can ever figure what this person was thinking but more how can I deal with these types in life - and not just in romantic relationships. I'm a student of life & apparently this is as old a trick they come.

[okiedokiestomp]

Matius, I have experience with this...my ex did the same thing with me. She suddenly became distant and withdrew from our 3 year LDR relationship and it became obvious to me she wanted out but couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger. I did when I felt I had no other choice b/c she was unwilling to put forthe any effort..it was only later that I realized that she had me do the work for her...the hardest thing to understand is how someone can do this and i think it has to do with self-sabotage not feeling deserving of the relationship so they push away and as you try to draw closer they push further away.

 

Logically it makes little sense and even today I still struggle with understanding those actions a year and half later.

[matius]

I did when I felt I had no other choice b/c she was unwilling to put forthe any effort..it was only later that I realized that she had me do the work for her...

That describes it perfectly, I almost went with it just to see where this girls head really was- and it was right where I expected so I got angry. Again, all part of the plan I'm sure.

 

i think it has to do with self-sabotage not feeling deserving of the relationship

There's no doubt there's some self-sabotage - as for the reasons not really sure but what they leave is the idea that they were weak. In fact, one thing that always bugged me out about her was that I had to do most of the thinking when it came to what to do or eat or whatever - so it's only natural I have to do it in the end as well, even if I was driven mad doing so. So whatever else the reason I only see weakness & possibly some stupidity if there was no vengeance.

[okiedokiestomp]

people who feel undeserving of a healthy relationship suffer from what John Bradshaw calls a shame based personality. His book on toxic shame is pretty eye opening. I think it should be required reading for every human being struggling with humaness.

 

When I ended my relationship I felt tremendous guilt especially b/c I didn't want the realtionship to end and like many I fought against it for a long time but knew that it was in effect over with if she was not willing to put forthe the effort required to maintain a healthy relationship...I would catch myself feeling guilty and have to remind myself that I did everything I could and that healthy people have to walk away from unhealthy situations.

 

It is especially hard when these actions seemingly come out of the blue and are at odds with a great relationship free from problems but even there I've learned that there are always signs that we will do our best to ignore or overlook but they are always there if we open our eyes to them. Most of the time we aren't willing to. One of the best quotes I've heard stated something like "it takes a treamendous amount of courage to be open to love but even more courage to walk away when it isn't right."

 

the hardest thing for me was to gain a sense of acceptance over the way things turned out and that I can only be responsible for my actions and efforts and if someone else is not willing to do the same there is little I can do except walk away knowing I did all within my power.

[matius]

people who feel undeserving of a healthy relationship suffer from what John Bradshaw calls a shame based personality.

 

Meaning people like us who stay in it? Maybe both people? I could go with that...

 

My biggest beef though is the idea that this person is so crummy & weak not to say anything & then act shameless at the end - easy way out style. I honestly lost every ounce of respect I had for this person I thought was a stand up person.

 

That might be life for most but for me it won't do. I'm gonna shoot for people with one face only from now on- and recognize the signs earlier.

 

In my case, I was so busy and received such mixed messages - and I had that terrible thing called hope. All of that just made me crazy & so hey I'll be frustrated for a minute & then move on. Guess at the end of the day I was more real.

[okiedokiestomp]

Meaning people like us who stay in it? Maybe both people? I could go with that...

 

My biggest beef though is the idea that this person is so crummy & weak not to say anything & then act shameless at the end - easy way out style. I honestly lost every ounce of respect I had for this person I thought was a stand up person.

 

That might be life for most but for me it won't do. I'm gonna shoot for people with one face only from now on- and recognize the signs earlier.

 

In my case, I was so busy and received such mixed messages - and I had that terrible thing called hope. All of that just made me crazy & so hey I'll be frustrated for a minute & then move on. Guess at the end of the day I was more real.

 

 

everybody experiences healthy shame when you do something you regret or feel "ashamed" of your actions or behaviors---this keeps you centered morally and is healthy...a person that experiences toxic shame beleives THEY themselves are bad and flawed at their very core and it permeates every aspect of their life and relationships. A shame based person does not feel worthy of love b/c they do not love themselves. This does not mean that every person who is emotionally unavailable is shame based though. Generally shame based people attract each other in a co-dependent relationship.

 

the best way for all of us to que in on the red flags that show up when something isn't right in a relationship is to develop strong personal boundaries. In order to do this we must possess a strong sense of self and what we find acceptable and not acceptable behavior from others...when a person crashes your boundaries, you will know it and you will reject it---a person with strong personal boundaries will walk away from an unhealthy situation b/c they do not get their validation from another person but from within.