What should I do here? quite long..aplogies.

[BlueRizla]

I havent logged in here for a while. The last time was when my ex over whom I came onto this site stuffed a wad of cash through my letterbox as some form of payback for a holiday. It was very confusing at the time but in retrospect it was guilt money and all about her. I sent her an email and forgave her for everything and despite the fact I told her I was giving the money back a subsequent text from her 2 weeks later put the nail in the coffin of most of those lingering feelings. I kept the cash. I was over her but still had thoughts going round my head about what had happened, how it had affected me and so on. Things I still needed to deal with. I was over her..not the pain of what transpired in the relationship.

 

At the time this was going on I had been seeing a girl very casually as a friend for a 2 months or so. I really liked her. She was much younger than me which was a new experience to me... but had many outstanding qualities, therefore I decided to take some time to find out who she really was. I made this clear from the outset. Things became physical soon after and we became FWB with a view to seeing how it went. She was very much of the idea that we take it a day at a time and see what happened. Now, its not something I feel entirely comfortable with though I really did like this girl and despite her age I did see something possible for the future. Since then we have maintained the FWB and moved a closer together, opening up further with each other, deepening our connection without really becoming official. I'm now doubting that this was right. I felt I still had to keep holding back through my own fear of getting hurt. There was no way I was jumping right in again. She knew this without question. I just needed to be sure I had completely let go of my ex since I didnt believe it was fair on this new girl to commit if I wasnt going to be fully present for her. I refuse to lead people on and cared for her to the extent that I refused to hurt her by getting carried away with something I wasnt entirely sure about.. just yet. As is often the case she did want more and we had the same conversation a number of times though there was never any anger, frustration, disagreement. I handed my ex my heart on a plate and she abused it. I had to be very careful with my heart again and also my self esteem with this new situation, since it had been such a painful experience to re-establish that level of self worth after my break up.

 

Things became a little disjointed between us when I had to start going away to work. I realised this had happened with my ex therefore I had some thinking to do about how this work was affecting me. I have now jacked it in and am working closer to home. I had exams and was let down consistently for a few weeks by a client and lost money. I look after my nan much of the time.. just being there for her and some of my family were moving away including the new baby that had been my nan's reason to live after the death of my grandad and nan's cancer. It was a very stressful time. I dont want sympathy..from you guys or her..its just the facts. It made things hard but I talked about it. I let the new girl in, let myself be vulnerable and appreciated her companionship, complemented her and let her know she was important to me. She was there for me in every way. I was starting to feel like this one could really take off. Still..I had to be patient and not rush in like I had done before. I was close to letting go with her but something was holding me back. I think my subconscious may have seen something I didn't.

 

This week a guy I used to know..who has recently broken up with his girl was posting on FB that he was selling his concert tickets. The girl I'm seeing knew this guy too and had bumped into him and his then girl after a gig we went to a couple of weeks ago. It was related to me that there was some issue going on between them at the time and some dirty looks to the girl I'm seeing. The next day the guy was posting he was no longer in a relationship on FB. Moving on to the concert...I see a FB post from my girl that she is going. She knew this guy so I asked her by text if she was going, as she was at work, and she said she had offered to go since he couldnt sell his tickets. She did want to go though but I wasnt in a position to take her. Fair enough... to a point.

 

I was concerned. I wasnt sure what the score was with this guy. It all seemed a bit odd to me. She had met him in the gym a number of times and mentioned it to me and had known him for some time. Obviously I was a bit jealous. I would never try to stop her going... its just not me, but i did want to talk to her about this therefore I brought it up the morning before she went. I was calm about it. There was no accusation. I just wanted to talk, to be honest and open with how I felt....how I felt, rightly or wrongly, things should be and had been between two people who were seeing each other. Her instant response was attack..accusing me of being what she had before.. as in, trying to dictate her life to her and not trusting her. Isnt trust earned or am I way off on that one? I explained I only wanted to talk, that I felt communication was vital to continue building what we had developed so far. She said she didnt know what we were and I reiterated that I was taking my time to be sure before plunging right in but I did want to be with her. I guess I had left her feeling insecure by not offering full commitment. Anyway she said she would talk to me later before she went. I think my timing was poor here and maybe I should have waited until she came back.

 

Anyway.. I heard nothing from her the day of the concert. I called, then texted asking for call back, then I left a voicemail explaining my displeasure. Her text response was that I knew she was going to a concert and she was on her way there and didnt hear her phone blah blah. I texted back that I felt she ignored my feelings.... I would never try and stop her going I just wanted to talk and ensure we built trust and intimacy by being open and honest and also I hoped she had a good time. She replied during the concert saying that we can talk later and she wanted to enjoy this but she now had this hanging over her and I was making the whole thing out to be her fault. I'd obviously spoilt it for her. I felt quite bad about this. I heard nothing later but she was posting on FB about how amazing it all was and the guy was commenting on how great a night it was.

 

I tried to call her as I knew she was up but got no response. Its now the next morning and I'm not sure what to do. I dont care about the bloke per se..it's her lack of care over my feelings and wanting to talk that bothers me. I would never stop anyone from doing whatever they want. Its their choice..but I do have feelings over things so is it wrong to express them? Or was my timing just crap?... though she only decided to go the night before.

 

Those are the facts. Am I being needy? Or am I right in asking her about this? Is she messing me about? Should I let her go as its clear she doesn't really care about reciprocating my honesty and communication, something I've gone to great lengths to establish between us..or so I thought. I dont think I can continue to work toward something with her if she is willing to ignore my desire to talk about something like this. Is it selfish? Am I selfish for taking my time with her? Would any of you be bothered if the person in your life went to gig with another single person..who they had mentioned a number of times recently? Am I just overreacting and paranoid? I'm annoyed with myself for putting my heart in harms way again and at the same time I find it hard to be annoyed with her since I hadnt offered her commitment just yet. I'm confused and upset. Is it fear and insecurity blighting my ability to form relationships? Probably. I'm just waiting for her to text and finish it. I dont want to 'get in there first'..I want to move forward with her but i dont know what is right anymore.