Attitude alignment

[dr_styles]

I need a little attitude check/adjustment if you don't mind.

 

I've been seeing this girl for about 7 months now - yes the same one with all those problems you may have read about before. Things are much much better now though. What concerns me now (haha there's always something isn't there) is her attitude/outlook of the relationship. She seems to take things too "ideallistically".

For instance with any references to attractive girls, she always remarks how I might like her more because I like dressy people but she (gf) is not. It's something we've already discussed ofcourse so I like her for other reasons but I don't need her reminding me of something she knows/chooses not to do. I mentioned this to her and her response was "well it's true, she might be more what you want. Another is she's sometimes asked whether I'm bored with her because she doesn't do much. I do wish we did more but I don't mind a quiet person either. Again though she is mentioning something she has no interest in changing so why bring it up to highlight a weakpoint?

Those aren't the only things but the easiest ones to explain, I think, hehe. It might sound like she's not being serious or using me but that's not true either afaik. Like we still hug/kiss often which I know she takes very seriously (took months to start doing it).

Or maybe it's me? Maybe I'm just so out of touch I expected too much of the "doing it for him/her" actions every now and again?

 

To a very limited extent it also seems like an infant version of this thread/situation, except I'm not even getting the sex (her beliefs). There's no growth in her.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34390

[enalover143]

Have you even kissed yet?

[Taikero]

Are you saying you want her to try to do things differently but you don't bring it up because it might confirm her fears?

 

Why don't you just say, "Yes, I would appreciate it if you put in effort in these areas because I believe it would make you happier and I would find these things attractive in you."

 

You're not getting anywhere by just passively hoping things will be different. Assure her you want to be with her no matter what, but there are things she could do that would be appreciated and you think it would be fun for the both of you.

[dr_styles]

Yeah we've kissed/hugged and that still happens.

The reason why I say idealistic is because, my evaluation of it all anyway, is it's taking the whole thing about "take me as I am" and "if it's meant to be ..." almost too literally. Any sort of difference that comes leads to her making some sort of remark relating to us not being compatible. She's even said to me a couple of times "oh you're just bringing this up as an excuse to not see me anymore" which is obviously silly for numerous reasons.

 

When things are good they're, well, good. Not perfect but pretty normal afaik. It's only when these incidents occur from such little comments or little innocent questions it makes me think she's got it in her mind it won't last which is why I think it instantly jumps to those sorts of comments. Fear? Insecurity? Don't know.

[geekgirl4]

Er, it definitely sounds like insecurity to me. It's not her being idealistic thinking but just being insecure in the relationship. She doesn't have enough confidence in herself, which is why she keeps saying all these contradicting statements.

 

The only thing you can do is just reassure her and keep treating her well.

[dr_styles]

What's she insecure about though? This might help you experts , a lot of times when I suggest something, whether it be a place to eat, or if we should meet up and do something, or me drop by her house (lives far and can't drive), the answer is 99%-always "if you want to". When I ask her why she's so indifferent she says I am as well, but at least I try suggesting things. OK the ones about food or where to go are fine, but just whether we even meet up or not are the ones I'm not sure about. That's why I can't see how it's insecurity, but well, I'm not the expert.