Should I quit?

[tujna]

It's been a months since I have started seeing this guy. I was reluctant to start anything with him because he seemed too self-confident but on our first dates he was pleasant and much more down to earth, so I thought that my initial impression was wrong. We got to a certain level of being comfortable with each other and shared nice moments but I couldn't help feeling as if he was holding something back. We have many things in common and usually have nice and lengthy conversations. Recently, he started becoming more distant and I couldn't help but ask mutual friends about his personality. The friend was very careful in his response but basically said that he was happy that I was asking and that from what he knew about him, he was not looking for anything serious with anyone.

 

I was not very surprised because you can see this from his overall behavior and this is what I observed from the very beginning (that being the reason for me not to wanting to date him). He still calls and we often end up together at parties, diners, etc. Several days ago, we went to a diner with his friend and because noone is aware that there is something between us, his friend seemed very interested in me. My guy got pretty unhappy about it and even though he didn't say anything, all my friends commented about it. After this happened,he became much more attentive to me and demonstrated more efforts. Also, he is leaving for some time on a long vacation soon and this might be another reason why he is distant. He can see that I am a serious person. Even though I don't want to have serious relationship right now (recently ended 7-year relationship), it is just the fact that I am more mature and maybe this has scared him as well.

 

He is almost 31 and it is a bit hard for me to understand this behavior from person at that age. I guess he also had a relationship that ended about a year ago and he still keeps pictures and other items from her on his wall. It seems that he likes me but he is holding himself back, just trying to keep distance, maybe afraid of getting close to anyone.

 

I don't know what my best strategy would be. Pull back and just quit and avoid him or try to "win" him? I have some feelings for him by now. I don't think he is a bad person but I am very straightforward and am not very good in playing games. I feel like he is trying to hold on to me while keeping his freedom; basically he is unwilling to quit his lifestyle and habits which I would not want him to do or maybe it is the relationship thing he fears most.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Please let me know if you have been in a similar situation.

[teabee]

I feel like he is trying to hold on to me while keeping his freedom; basically he is unwilling to quit his lifestyle and habits

 

That's what it sounds like to me.

And you wouldn't expect him to change his lifestyle and habits for a relationship? He doesn't have to change everything, but there are going to be some compromises when going from single life to a relationship. He SHOULD be willing to make certain changes.

 

What should your strategy be? I would ask him point blank what he is looking for so you don't have to keep guessing. It doesn't sound like he's playing games, necessarily, but you both need to get on the same page to see if your wants and expectations fit.

 

I don't think it says all that much that he became possessive when his friend seemed interested. I would be more flattered if he were attentive and putting in effort IN GENERAL, not just when another guy makes advances. And why does he still have pics of his ex on his walls?

 

He is 31, and I'm guessing you are younger? 31 year olds are just people and their behaviour is nothing special. I think this guy's behaviour has less to do with his age and more to do with his personality and where he's at.

[tujna]

I am bit reluctant about asking him what his expectations are because they seem pretty obvious to me: he just doesn't want to be in relationship and exactly this type of conversations and being tied to someone he is trying to avoid. On the other hand, he shows interest in me but does not let himself become too close with me.

 

I brought up the age thing (and I am younger) because I would generally expect for someone this age to be at least open to meeting someone they might be serious with. And why he has those pictures? I really don't have idea and it seems really ridiculous to me. I do not even keep a picture with my ex, even though I spent 7 years with him. There are two possibilities: he is either still in love with her or he simply doesn't care to leave those things there.

[teabee]

I am bit reluctant about asking him what his expectations are because they seem pretty obvious to me: he just doesn't want to be in relationship and exactly this type of conversations and being tied to someone he is trying to avoid. On the other hand, he shows interest in me but does not let himself become too close with me.

 

It can be nerve-racking bringing up a conversation like that even when the other person probably IS looking for something serious. I think most people tiptoe around topics like that in the beginning to avoid scaring off the other or whatever else, so I understand your hesitation about not wanting to introduce the topic or come off as needy/pushy/whatever seeing as he's not looking for anything serious apparently. But this whole thing doesn't make much sense: you already know his expectations, so you won't bring up that conversation in order to avoid coming off as wanting more than he does, even though you do want more than he does, and instead you're focusing on the moderate interest he does show in you and looking for some indirect ways to get him to grow closer to you?

 

Maybe I summed that up inaccurately, but it still seems this whole thing is unbalanced in what you guys are looking for, and you are hopeful that he will want more, but timid about coming off as looking for a real relationship, even though there's nothing wrong with that. You could try making it known, casually or formally, that you are a serious relationship kind of person. You won't get where you want to be if he's under the assumption that both of you guys have super casual intentions.

[tujna]

Hey teabee, thank you so much for writing this; it really did put things into perspective for me. I am a serious relationship person, on the one hand, it is just how I treat people, I just want my friends and boyfriends to be people I care for. And I do care for him now. On the other hand, having had only 9 months break from such a long relationship, I am not sure whether I can handle another one so soon, provided that I still have feeling for my ex and was still suffering a lot for his loss when I met the new guy. But I am indeed feeling uncomfortable when the new guy doesn't call or when he demonstrates that there is nothing serious between us. It is just such a fine balance and I don't think I can handle such casual relationship. It seems that I only have one option in such case: just let him be and move on. Waiting for him to start wanting something would not be very sensible thing to do.

 

You are right that there is nothing wrong in wanting something more serious than this but it is funny for this type of people can make you feel guilty for wanting to have what they don't want.