ashash Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 My bf broke up with me 4 weeks ago, and 2 days ago he sent me a text saying how he had made a big mistake and that he was stupid for thinking he wasnt happy with me, because he was and he hoped I was doing okay. A day after I got it I text back "I'm doing good and I hope you're doing good too". Instantly after he sent back "I'm ok." Thats it, no contact since. However, I also found out that he's been "talking to someone else" and I believe that this girl was part of the reason he broke up with me. He had always treated me like gold (even though I could be a real B**** which I regret immensely, except for during the last month we were together. When he started acting distant my attitude changed, I was nicer and kind of got needy) until a few weeks before the break up, he became cold and distant, acting shady. Now, I just don't know if things didnt work out with them and thats why he contacted me. I dont want him back just because hes lonely. What I really wanted from him was more explanation, an apology, maybe a phone call or a letter, not a text. But now I'm afraid I really hurt his pride by ignoring the "I miss you so much" part and just wishing him well. Do you believe I made the right decision? Should I contact him or will that make me look like a doormat? I just thought that if he really wanted me back he would work a little for it. I mean, he dumped me not the other way around. I really don't know what to do. I'm kind of panicking, itching to pick up the phone and call him. Link to comment
Speranza Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I think you are handling it well. What reason did he give for breaking up? I absolutely agree you shouldn't make it easy for him (in fact I would say you might consider not getting back at all, but I don't know your situation). Link to comment
FootofGod Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Look, 99% of people have thicker skin than to be dissuaded from something they want by a simple glazing over of certain words. In fact, usually it makes them more committed to getting the message accross. Wait on it a bit longer, but be ready to set up a meeting to find out why he wants you back and if he's looking to reconcile. If you both want different things, let him go again. If he's not ready, there's no point. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Now, I just don't know if things didnt work out with them and thats why he contacted me. If he truly wasn't happy he wouldn't 'suddenly' come back and apologize. I'm pretty sure things didn't go as planned with this other girl. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 I believe in 2nd chances. Because I had a lot of mistakes I made in the relationship. But that's it. I wonder if he's panicking now or what. So you guys don't think he'll simply give up after that text? I do want to talk to him but he hasn't called. Can anyone give any insight as to what might be going through his head right now? I was his 1st gf, 1st kiss and everything. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 Look, 99% of people have thicker skin than to be dissuaded from something they want by a simple glazing over of certain words. In fact, usually it makes them more committed to getting the message accross. Wait on it a bit longer, but be ready to set up a meeting to find out why he wants you back and if he's looking to reconcile. If you both want different things, let him go again. If he's not ready, there's no point. Thanks I love this advice. Btw I never did the begging crying and pleading, simply let him go because " he wasn't happy". I told him he deserved to be happy and that was that. No contact since his text 2 days ago. I'll be sooooo pissed if he simply had a fight with new girl and then made up and that's why he hasn't called. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 In this case, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He relised it and obviously wants you back. If he loves you, then he wont be going anywhere anytime soon. Let him beg a little. This guy has to relise he cant walk over you whenever he wants. I don't have a timeline for begging, but you'll know yourself when you think it's enough. Good luck! Link to comment
ashash Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 In this case, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He relised it and obviously wants you back. If he loves you, then he wont be going anywhere anytime soon. Let him beg a little. This guy has to relise he cant walk over you whenever he wants. I don't have a timeline for begging, but you'll know yourself when you think it's enough. Good luck! Thanks all of this helps so much because i've been dying wondering what's going on and what to do. I even wrote an email to him but haven't sent it. Link to comment
MalibuOne Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Thanks all of this helps so much because i've been dying wondering what's going on and what to do. I even wrote an email to him but haven't sent it. Don't send it! Believe it or not, a month isn't very long for the dumper even though it seems like an eternity to the dumpee. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Don't send it! Believe it or not, a month isn't very long for the dumper even though it seems like an eternity to the dumpee. I know I'm not, and he still hasn't contacted me... I thought he really wanted me but he hasn't even called or anything...I'm tired of it and feel like saying, "you know what, I know I made mistakes but I don't deserve this, stay with her if this is all you got" Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 I don't know, when I got the "I miss you" after a month it made me angry because I knew it was just hot air. My advice is to match his sentiment exactly offering nothing more and nothing less. "I miss you too." Don't ask for anything, don't promise anything. Link to comment
Speranza Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Sorry, my money's on the fight with the new woman. And you know what? When you're a grown-up, your decisions have consequences. JUst possibly you don't want to be his fallback person. Shame he hadn't quite worked out his options before he dumped you. My problem is, if you take him back, he has learnt he can dump you for someone (cheat?) and that you will take him back. Personally that isn't a message I would ever want to give someone. Remember - the guy you miss is the man who dumped you and went off with someone else. And expects you to be waiting. Link to comment
MalibuOne Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 There's a really good post by Mr. SoandSo on the Questioning NC thread. I bookmarked it. It's awesome and might help you through this tough time. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Sorry, my money's on the fight with the new woman. And you know what? When you're a grown-up, your decisions have consequences. JUst possibly you don't want to be his fallback person. Shame he hadn't quite worked out his options before he dumped you. My problem is, if you take him back, he has learnt he can dump you for someone (cheat?) and that you will take him back. Personally that isn't a message I would ever want to give someone. Remember - the guy you miss is the man who dumped you and went off with someone else. And expects you to be waiting. that's why I didn't respond with " omg i love you I miss you". To show that you can't just leave and expect me to be waiting for you when you're ready to come back. I want a letter, maybe some flowers. A phone call, a visit. SHOW me how big your mistake was. I'm no doormat. Link to comment
MalibuOne Posted June 12, 2010 Share Posted June 12, 2010 I know I'm not, and he still hasn't contacted me... I thought he really wanted me but he hasn't even called or anything...I'm tired of it and feel like saying, "you know what, I know I made mistakes but I don't deserve this, stay with her if this is all you got" That's right. You don't want someone who doesn't want you 100% right? Link to comment
ashash Posted June 12, 2010 Author Share Posted June 12, 2010 That's right. You don't want someone who doesn't want you 100% right? no, I don't.... It's been a few days now since his text. Does this mean he's given up/ that's all the effort he's going to give? If he calls a month from now should I just reject him? I've been going out a lot and 'having fun' but he's still been on my mind a lot, so the temptation to contact is always there. Link to comment
MalibuOne Posted June 12, 2010 Share Posted June 12, 2010 Ashash, I've been reading so many threads on this site...they give me so much to think about. It seems to me that the dumps generally take quite awhile to reconnect, if they do at all. The trick is to try to get to the point where it's ok with you if they do but it's ALSO ok if they don't. THAT seems to take much longer than a couple months, though I'm sure everyone has their own internal healing timetable. I am now 3 weeks broken up. 1 week of NC. I keep telling myself that if he really cared, he will someday reach out to me. Until then, I am going to give him the space he said he needed to get his head on straight. And. I have to accept that when he does, there is no guarantee that there will be a place in his heart for me. And man, that totally sucks. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 12, 2010 Author Share Posted June 12, 2010 Do you think that he just gave up if he hasn't called me yet? Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 12, 2010 Share Posted June 12, 2010 ^He might have had a moment of weakness or feels dumb for sending it. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 13, 2010 Author Share Posted June 13, 2010 ^He might have had a moment of weakness or feels dumb for sending it. Yeah but... Doesn't that sound like dumpee behavior? Link to comment
FrenchFries Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 If and when he is serious about what he said he will contact you again. That's really the bottom line. There was nothing wrong with your response to his text. Link to comment
Iakasot Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Yeah but... Doesn't that sound like dumpee behavior? It's also the behavior of someone who breaks up because they don't feel loved. The "moment of weakness" would be if he remembered something that made him think you really loved him, then sent that text, then remembered something else that invalidated the "realness" of the other thing he remembered. (maybe he remembered you acting mean when he treated you like gold) Link to comment
ashash Posted June 13, 2010 Author Share Posted June 13, 2010 You know what, I Stopped feeling guilty when I gave a thourough heartfelt apology. Period. No one is perfect, and that is all you Can do; apologize and correct your ways. But guess what? I never got an apology for the lies he told me repeatedly, or all of the other mistakes he made. Sure, he treated me good when he was paying attention to what I was saying. Like I said, both of us made our mistakes. We are now even. It is his turn to apologize and he did not do that. Now that I think about it, that text had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. To me it was " I'm having trouble with the new girl, I guess I'll just get back with you", not " I'm so sorry, I love you, I want you back". If it was, I wouldve recieved a phone call or a letter, not a text message early in the morning. And his response wouldn't have been "I'm ok." Link to comment
Iakasot Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 How did he lie? Didn't we already establish that you didn't have proof and just assumed? I really wish I could talk to him and get his side of the story... Weren't you lying when you contacted him and said you're hoping he's doing good? Look at how it contradicts what you've just said about him in that post. It sounds like you don't hope he's doing good, you want him to be miserable. Link to comment
ashash Posted June 13, 2010 Author Share Posted June 13, 2010 I got proof- straight from his brother. Although instincts truly gave me all the proof I needed. And, even though what he did was so messed up, I do want him to be happy, and I meant it when I told him that when he broke up with me. I think that's also because, unfortunately unlike so many dumpees, I kept my dignity and respect. I didn't beg or plead or show anger or hate. I didn't show that i was giving him any energy. I didn't contact. I dropped off the face of the earth. And when he did finally contact me, I showed him that he can't just leave for someone else ( he doesn't know I know and his brother is not going to tell him) and then expect me to be waitiing for him with open arms from a simple text. A text with no apology at that. In fact, I was nice, as well as genuine. Texting him back, "f* off" or any other message with negative emotion only wouldve served to have me A) lose my dignity and respect and B) feed his ego Link to comment
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