Unique Dumpee Reaction

[ashash]

Bf and I were together for almost 6 yrs. Yes, we had our problems, arguing about money, control issues. But we were also very close, and like everyone else, had both the good and the bad.

 

He was always was more into me than I was into him. It was not until the last year that I really began to be into him a lot. I began to call him constantly, relying on him heavily for emotional support. Meanwhile, unlike me, he has had to work constantly to make ends meet (no family support). So he has been stressed.

 

He was my 3rd serious bf, I was his first. We are 20 and 21.

 

However, things didn't go down hill until about a month before the breakup. We had an argument about his finally getting a higher education. He threw himself into the first thing available (without doing the math) and I yelled at him to slow down, consider his options, and figure out what he could afford.

 

He was not happy about that, and I hung up. Whenever I hang up, he usually calls back a few times. He didnt call for 3 days, so I called him. Since then, hes been distant for the most part. He began to act really shady on the weekends, always saying he was with his "family". My instinct knew better. He began to act mean and cold. It was obvious at times he wanted out, and for whatever reason I didnt leave first. I know now, I can feel it in my bones, that there is another girl. A few weeks before breakup, I recieved a text saying "Back off b**** hes mine" and a pic of her laying on him while he was sleeping. Needless to say I was upset, but did not immediately get angry at him. We were getting along well at the time, but his reaction to the text was cold. He refused to confront the girl for saying that to me. He hadnt told me those girls were going to be at the get together at his brothers house because "he didnt know".

 

Anyway, a week before breakup, long story short, we got super super close, more so than ever. He had said he wasnt happy anymore. He said "why cant you just accept me the way I am." and "I cant always be there for you I have responsibilities". I apologized for all the mistakes I had made in relationship, telling him sorry for pushing him so hard to be better, to go to school, and be healthy. It was a perfect apology. We both cried and I said to him, "I wont make you stay in this, just tell me what you want." He said " I want us to work out". He had spoken about marriage and was allll over me (he usually his, but he smothered me). Ok. So everything was great, but I still sensed some distance when the weekend came. On the weekends was when he really became distant and would rather hang with his "family" then me. Unusual.

 

So on a Friday, 3 weeks ago, he said he was going to dinner with his mom and sister ( i was trying to form a better relationship with his fam. They are very different from mine, trashy, and they are the kind of people who dont greet you when youre in their house). I said how come Im not invited hint hint. He came up with all these stupid excuses why I couldnt go. So I got pissed and said JUST TELL ME WHY I CANT!! He starts crying and says hes just not happy anymore, he doesnt know what it is. He doesnt feel the same. This was out of nowhere My reaction?

 

"Ok. Thank you, Im glad you finally told me. I hope we can be friends." He said "I didnt mean to use you, Im sorry." Shocked, hurt ( we had been physical 2 days prior, even though I still sensed distance) I still reacted very calmly. "No no no its fine." I said. Told him he deserved to be happy. I said this may change a lot of things for me, like maybe I'll move back to campus." He said this doesnt mean we cant talk. I said yeah, Im not gonna call you, but you can call me. Because I dont want you to feel obligated to talk to me. Then I quickly ended it and was just like Ill just ttyl, bye.

 

I never begged or pleaded, and I have had no contact with him since. He hasnt said a peep. And me neither. I will NEVER beg.

 

How would this make a dumper feel? Regret? I know hes talking to someone else. I have no proof but I KNOW. All of this behavior is so unusual for him. He always treated me like gold, worshiped the ground I walk on. He was always extremely attracted to me. Me attracted to him?...that was an issue. He had let himself go for awhile, gained a lot of weight, then when I finally opened up to him he began working out. Eek, I hate admitting it now, but I had pushed him with that, always asked if he went to the gym. Yeah, I apologized for that shallow behavior. But on the other hand, when I asked him if I got chubby, he said he would leave me. (no i didnt get chubby)

 

Not to sound conceited, but everyone always said I'm out of his league.

 

Our backgrounds? Me, middle class, private school, and college. Him? Lower class, no family support or support from parents. Bad education, not very intelligent (Im being honest). However thanks to some pushing from me, he is about to start school.

 

I feel like an a****** but at the same time, he became mean and cold when he found someone else and left. But I can do no more than apologize sincerely, and change, which I did, but he took off with her before I could continue to show him.

 

He doesnt even want to be friends? Someone help me understand whats up in his head. I know this is G.I.G.S. Am I completely forgotten after 6 yrs? After 3 weeks? Why hasnt he contacted me? Will I ever hear from him again? We spoke almost every day for 6 years. I just dont get it because I was totally nice about the breakup, not even angry. And he has no friends so wouldnt he want to keep me as one?!? Or is all the attention on New Girl?

 

Obviously, the picture I gave you is a small glimpse of us but id love to hear some insight. Its so sad, because we have such a good foundation and I really care about him and his well being. I know he has a really tough future ahead of him because hes made some poor decisions.

[Vanila]

you mention the 'class' differences between you two in such way that makes me wonder, perhaps he was aware of how you feel and 'sucked it up' for a long time until he just didnt want to be with you anymore.

[Atticus90]

Don't take any offense to anything I'm saying, but i just have to ask.

 

You basically described him as a poor pathetic loser. If you think these things about him, then why did you even stick it out all these years?

 

To be honest, he wont contact you again as long as he's with this girl.

[ashash]

Honestly, I asked myself that so many times. And I feel so bad for thinking that about him, because he can be such a nice guy. But there were many times I wanted to leave, but was too scared. What upsets me is there were other guys I could've went with, but decided not to for stupid reasons, also guilt.

 

What are you supposed to do when someones so nice, but have so many things wrong with them that cannot be ignored? Like easily persuaded, lack of intelligence (therefore conversation), bad financial decisions, no ambition/drive...also letting themselves go and becoming unhealthy.

 

Am I wrong for having these expectations? Like, what are you supposed to do when you're no longer attracted to the person because they let themselves go? I felt so bad feeling that way, but I couldnt fake it when he wanted to be together. Thats why I opened up to him and said it as nicely as possible. I care about him and wanted him to be healthy. But I apologized for hurting his feelings. Sometimes I felt like he had expectations of me, which I lived up to, but he took for granted. Thats unfair.

 

To me, the truth is always best. I would want my partner to tell me if they were unhappy about something. If I gained 70lbs, I would understand if they said...hey...I'm not as attracted to you anymore, but I love you.

 

I think truly, attractiveness wouldn't have mattered as much if I was satisfied in other areas, like conversation wise, intelligence, something, anything!

 

Geez...now that I'm writing all of this...I feel awful but....I feel like he has nothing to offer. Nothing but niceness....who would be happy with that? Intelligence, attractiveness, good personality, good sense of humor...nothing. Does this other girl see that yet? Will she be happy with that?

 

Would anyone on here be happy with that? Or is it me? (not saying this is a mean way towards him)

 

Im just sad he wouldnt stay in contact to be friends, and wonder if theres anything I can do.

[ashash]

Wow. I must look like a B**** but I swear...I'm just being brutally honest.

[FrenchFries]

I don't think he could ever live up to your standards and the two of you sound very incompatible at this point. You don't seem to think very highly of this guy at all. I would never mention the social class of someone I loved in a breakup scenario. It took you five years to finally get into him? He probably felt unwanted and disrespected. You're probably better off, since you think so little of him.

 

True friendship is not a possibility so soon after the breakup of a long term relationship. Maybe the two of you will connect in the future but in many instances relationships that start out early teens or so do not last. Lots of changes take place in the period between adolescence and adulthood.

[ashash]

Expectations? But thats my point. He has almost nothing to offer. Know what I mean? What I'm saying is...whose expectations would he meet???

[FrenchFries]

Then I guess my question is why are you posting in the Getting Back Together forum? Why do you want him back?

[Taikero]

Expectations? But thats my point. He has almost nothing to offer. Know what I mean? What I'm saying is...whose expectations would he meet???

 

The guy works constantly, was going to go back to school, was moving up in life and you tore him down like an ugly picture on the wall (e.g. you said you YELLED at him).

 

Did you tear him down like this during your relationship?

 

It sounds like you've never respected him at all and always viewed him as beneath you.

 

The guy probably just got tired of feeling like he was worthless with you and decided to test the waters with these other women who were treating him much better than you were.

[ashash]

I know I look like the bad guy. But like I said, you are seeing a GLIMPSE. He is not Mother Theresa. At All. It's not about PERSPECTIVE here, but FACTS. The truth hurts, but its the truth. i YELLED at him because, I'm sorry, but I'm going to yell at someone who is digging their own grave. I wont go into details, but just Imagine someone you care about calls you up and says, "Hey, I'm going to get in my car, and drive straight into a building."

 

This core of this current situation has nothing to do with class, or looks. I was never ever purposely mean to this guy. I pushed him to be better, because he was GOING NOWHERE and struggling constantly. His own family could care less. He had no one to guide him. And he gets no respect from anyone in his life, or who gets to know him. I don't know why that is.

But I pushed him to get respect. Respect is not something given out freely. You have to earn it.

 

All of you have expectations in your relationships as well.

[FrenchFries]

So why do you want him back if he was such a loser?

[FootofGod]

It seems to me like he was trying. Do you know how hard it is to even try when you're down that low? To me that is more valuable. Funny thing about FACTS is that they are completely dependent on PERSPECTIVE a lot of the time, so don't be too fooled into thinking you're objective. If you value results more than effort, then that's fine. It sounds like you two were not meant to be, so move on and never talk to him again. What would be the point? You're just going to hurt the both of you, and that's generally true for all breakups, especially with two people who want something dynamically different out of life.

[Taikero]

What I'm reading here is you saw a deficiency or problem in him, you tried to force him to change when he wasn't really ready to, and he tried to change. Then you yelled at him for trying to change. He probably thought there was no way to win with you here, to make you happy, and it hurt him. I'm not surprised when he finally went to change and you belittled his efforts by YELLING at him, he shrunk away from you.

 

It doesn't matter if he was wrong or right, what matters is how you make him feel.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow. I must look like a B**** but I swear...I'm just being brutally honest.

 

I had an ex who was "brutally honest" according to him. I had to be honest and say I wanted to break-up with someone who was basically just brutal.

 

I would not be surprised if he picked up on your perception of the class difference. I would never want to be with someone who would think this of me:

Not to sound conceited, but everyone always said I'm out of his league.

 

Our backgrounds? Me, middle class, private school, and college. Him? Lower class, no family support or support from parents. Bad education, not very intelligent (Im being honest).

 

As Taikero said, you tore him down. He's probably really angry and bitter with you. I think you need to know that there is more class in tact than brutal honesty. You can get your point accross and leave the decisions to the other person. Beauty is not only in intelligence and body, it is in consideration of other's feelings.

[ashash]

FrenchFries, it changes every day. Sometimes I think...maybe if I had just lowered my expectations...

 

my feelings are like a rollercoaster right now. Anger, regret, sadness, etc., No matter what, I wouldn't have just dropped him like he did to me. I would've been his friend, tried to help him with whatever he needed. I helped him out a lot, and so did my family.

 

I just don't know what I want and I don't think he does either. I was nice about the breakup, so why won't he be friendly with me? I was even friendly after he said he used me. I know I'm not supposed to contact him.

[Ms Darcy]

FrenchFries, it changes every day. Sometimes I think...maybe if I had just lowered my expectations...

 

I was nice about the breakup, so why won't he be friendly with me?

 

Because, ashash, he's angry with you. Whether you think it's deserved or not, it sounds like he's bitter given everything everyone has told you.

[ashash]

Ms Darcy, I'm being brutally honest HERE, not to him. The love of my life was lower class, I could've cared less and half my family is lower class. Some people don't understand that, of course class shouldn't have to do with relationships, but it can cause a lot of issues. That's reality. For example, when my dad helped me buy a car, he was extremely resentful of me simply because of the fact that I had someone to help me pay and he didn't.

[ashash]

What I'm reading here is you saw a deficiency or problem in him, you tried to force him to change when he wasn't really ready to, and he tried to change. Then you yelled at him for trying to change. He probably thought there was no way to win with you here, to make you happy, and it hurt him. I'm not surprised when he finally went to change and you belittled his efforts by YELLING at him, he shrunk away from you.

 

It doesn't matter if he was wrong or right, what matters is how you make him feel.

 

 

You're right and I realized this at the time and apologized. I also pointed out to him that everything he does, like school, should be for his benefit and not mine. He just doesn't have much drive and it was hard for me to accept that.

 

I know you can't change anyone. The reason I wanted to change him is because he was struggling so much, and then he would act like he just had bad luck, or everyone was out to get him, when really he was just making the stupidest decisions. You have to understand that I would get extremely frustrated, because it's like everything he did was destructive and problem-causing (of course he didn't realize this until it was too late). It was exhausting to have to listen to all of these problems and try to fix them for him.

 

What I wanted was to change this. Just let him to be, and make his mistakes and not help him fix them. I want a chance to show him that I do accept him for who he is. I had a week to do this before he left. The apology I gave worked wonders for us, but it was no match for the distraction of this other girl I guess.

[marshmlofluff]

What are you supposed to do when someones so nice, but have so many things wrong with them that cannot be ignored? Like easily persuaded, lack of intelligence (therefore conversation), bad financial decisions, no ambition/drive...also letting themselves go and becoming unhealthy.

 

You accept that you cannot ignore them, and you cannot change him. He cannot increase his IQ.

 

So you let go. You give him your sincere good wishes, and set him free to find someone for whom his particular package of shortcomings is less of an issue.

 

Then you take some time to heal. And having taken away from the experience a better idea of what you are looking for in a man, you find someone who is a better fit.

 

And then you live the rest of your life, stronger and wiser for the relationship, and are happy.

[ashash]

If he's angry with me After lying to me, cheating on me and using me, then he can kiss my ***

[Iakasot]

If he's angry with me After lying to me, cheating on me and using me, then he can kiss my ***

 

He was angry way before that. And you have no proof that he cheated or lied, and he didn't "use" you. He dumped someone who is paranoid, and assumes without proof, and breaks down his self esteem, and wasn't really attracted to him. Why am I not surprised that he's trying to find a girl who accepts him for who he is and actually LIKES him, as opposed to just staying with him because he's nice? I'm sure a lot of the time, the relationship felt like no more than a glorified friendship to him, because you didn't want to have sex with him.

 

Just move on, like everyone said you weren't compatible. Good call on the NC, btw.