I married my best friend, things didn't work out!

[kellie24]

Sorry if this is long, but I really need advice.

When I was 15 I got pregnant by my boyfriend. We had been dating since we were 14 & for some reason I thought I was mature enough & ready to have sex. When I became pregnant, I decided I wanted to keep my baby. My boyfriend however wasn't so happy, so he left me. His dad was the one who mainly influenced my boyfriend to leave me, he didn't want his son's life to be ruined. They moved out of state a month before I gave birth & I haven't heard from him since.

 

My best friend, Ryan, was my age & he was like a brother to me. We were very close & had known each other since we were children. Our families were close too. When my boyfriend left me, Ryan decided he wanted to help me out. He asked me if I would allow him to help support the baby. His family was quite ruch & they gave him money all the time. This was something he had suggested all on his own & he really wanted it, so I agreed.

 

I didn't drop out of school. My mom really wanted me to get an eduacation, so she said she would take care of my son, Tommy, while I was at school. Ryan was helping me raise my baby all through high school & everyone who knew us knew that he wasn't the real father, but he was still known to everyone as my son's father. He spent most of his time at my house after school & on the weekends playing with the baby & just helping me out. We weren't exactly boyfriend & girlfriend, but neither of us dated anyone else for the rest of high school. We might as well have been though, every where we went, we never left each other's side.

 

At 20 we decided to get married. We weren't in love with each other, but we loved each other & wanted to be a family. He adopted Tommy as his son. He went to college while I stayed home & watched Tommy. Everything was good. We never fought, we never had any serious problems. All of our friends were so jealous of the relationship we shared. I started working part time while Tommy was at school at age 23. A year after I started working, I met a guy, Jacob, through a co worker. I didn't think much of him at first, but after getting to know him I started developing feelings for him. He liked me a lot too. Of course I never did anything about it, since I was married. Things between me & Ryan started getting stressful though. I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without finding real love, but I couldn't tell Ryan this when he had done so much for me.

 

Thats basically the background information up until last year. Now I am 27 years old. My son is 12. He knows all about what happened, we kept no secrets from him. He thinks of Ryan as his father, he's the only father he's known & I am so thankful to Ryan for being there. Who knows where I would be if it wasn't for him?

 

About a year ago, Ryan said he needed to talk. We discussed how we loved each other, but weren't in love. He told me that he had met someone at work who he has developed feelings for & wants to know what could happen between them. We talked about how good our lives have been, but we wanted to find real love. We didn't want to live this life anymore. We decided to split up.

 

I started dating Jacob & Ryan was dating the other girl. I finally learned what real love is. Me & Ryan remained close. I could see that he wasn't as happy as he once was though, but he never admitted to it. Now about 2 weeks ago, Ryan came to me saying that he had broken up with his girlfriend. He said that when he lost me, that was when he realized how much he actually did love me & every time he saw me & Jacob together, it destroyed him. Of course I don't feel the same way. I love Jacob & I couldn't see myself giving Jacob up for the life I once lived. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ryan saved me, & he's my best friend & I don't want to lose him from my life. He's my son's father & it would kill Tommy if he ever wanted out of Tommy's life. But my heart is with Jacob, he's my soulmate & I couldn't live without him. I just don't know what to do. It kills me knowing how much I am hurting Ryan when he was there for me long ago. He thinks we belong together, but I just don't think I can say the same. Can anyone give me any advice at all?

[Finzsoftie]

Well, my first question is "How did you feel when you saw Ryan with his girlfriend?"; the second question is "If you didnt have Jacob by your side, well how would you feel with Ryan having a girlfriend?"

 

Friends like Ryan has been to you are hard to find. Imagine your life if you told him this............ and then you realised that truly Ryan was your soul mate.

 

I think you need some time alone without your boyfriend and without Ryan, and you need to think. You need to say to yourself, what do you really want out of life............. and then the answer will come to you.

 

If you can imagine and can hurt Ryan then you have to tell him this, you say to him, that you are not right for me and I love you as a friend and cant imagine my life without you being in it as a friend

 

If you think that Jacob has faults and dont see a future there either.... well then dont barge!

[kellie24]

Thanks for your advice. The thing is, I don't have any feelings like that for Ryan. I love him, but only as a friend. I was happy when he was with his girlfriend because I thought he had found his soulmate too. I have told Ryan that I want to be with Jacob, but thats not the problem. Ryan has been dealing with it. He wants me to be happy, but its killing him at the same time. I know for a fact that I don't want to be with Ryan like it once was. I just dont' know what to do. Ryan is understanding & he hasn't pressured me or anything to be with him, he just tells me how much he really loves me. How can I be happy when I know its killing my best friend, especially when he helped me through so much?

[ravens_folly]

Wow What a situation. I don't really know a whole lot on the subject... but is there maybe a reason you don't feel for Ryan the way you feel for Jacob? Maybe there were things missing you wished that maybe Ryan would have done for you, that maybe Jacob is fulfilling. I don't want to sound rude here, but for 12 years Ryan was there for you, helped you raise your son, and he realizes now that he truly loves you. And you do truly love him if you can feel happy for him to be with someone else, and yes I can say it does sound like more of a friend love than a romantic love.

 

If Jacob is truly better than Ryan in that he can provide the same as, or better than Ryan, then that is the way it should probably be, but its up to you to decide what is right.

 

I don't know what I would do in the situation, but it sounds to me like its more of a heart matter. Go with what your heart tells you to do that is right.

[kellie24]

Thanks for the advice. I know Ryan has been there for me, which is why its hurts me so much to see him hurting. I'm not in love with Ryan, I'm in love with Jacob & I honestly feel like Jacob is my soulmate. Ryan has helped me out in so many ways & I'm so grateful for that. He's my child's father & my best friend. That will never change. I will always love him as a person, but I can't make myself love him in the way I love Jacob. I feel so lucky that I have found love in my life, but this is difficult because I hate seeing Ryan hurt that I don't share the same feelings.

[Chan209]

kellie: Wow...The start of your story (and only the start) sounds exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) what I'm going through right now with my best friend....so I could definitely relate more closely to how Ryan is.

 

I know you can't force feelings or make someone feel a certain way, but what is it about Jacob that puts him above Ryan after everything Ryan has done for you over the last 12 years? Is there anything Jacob is doing or has done that Ryan has not??

 

Coming from a guy who's in similar shoes as Ryan (helping out a single mom raise her son).... I'd hope you'd step back and look at the situation outside the box. Guys like Ryan who are there for you, help support you and accepts your child, are hard-as-hell to find nowadays.

 

Maybe some time away from both to think this out would be best?