Need some advice regarding when NC is not entirely possible

[auburnslp]

I have a problem-first the background. I had dated a recently divorced woman for the past three years. We were very much in love, but something was always not entirely right-she never truly processed her divorce and always felt great guilt for separating the kids from their father. A little over two months ago, after I had broken things off due to her continued inability to committ in any way to me, after all that time together, she called me to talk. She told me that she loved me more than anything, wanted only me, would committ totally to me, and we immediately started discussing marriage. It was all I have ever wanted, and I don't know if I have ever been happier. A little over a week later she tells me that she is sure that she is pregnant, and I am even happier. I wanted nothing more than to be her husband and the father of her child. Well, a week and a half after that, she had a miscarriage, and pretty soon after that began to clearly pull away a bit. She went to visit some family members for several days, very religious people, who instructed her that according to the Bible, she is still married to her ex husband in God's eyes, because there was no adultery and they were both believers. She comes back and immediately tells me that we are done, and puts the no contact rule in effect herself, and is reconciling with her ex husband.

The past month has been a nightmare of pain and swirling and conflicting emotions. I am out of the denial phase for the most part, though sometimes my mind tries to play that trick on me. Done with the anger phase, still in the depression phase, still losing weight and sleep, though it does seem to be heading towards acceptance at this point. The mornings are just awful for me but the day tends to get progressively a little better. I still miss her very badly...in the space of two and a half weeks, I had the love of my life finally for myself, had a baby on the way with her, lost the baby, and lost her forever. It has just brought me to my knees.

Now, here is my problem now. I want to have no contact, as I know it is the only way for me to heal and move on with my life when the pain diminishes. But,...our sons have been best friends since Kindergarten, and they are 12 now. My ex and I had been friends for years, and after she divorced it progressed to the relationship we shared. But neither of us want the boys to suffer for our separation. And we went several weeks of NC and the boys had NC too, and it started to affect them, so in the past week, we have let them get together several times, but that entails driving them back and forth at least, and talking about plans for pick up, whatever. She iives only about 5 miles away. And my problem is this- when I see her for even just those few minutes, it just breaks my heart. I want to grab her and tell her how much I love her, but of course I don't. I can't get over how beautiful she is when I see her. She told me when she ended it that she does not want to get back into her marriage, because it was unfulfilling, and that she loves me, I am the man she loves, but we were in an adulterous relationship in God's eyes, because she was still married to her ex. So that is why she ended it and said she will do what God wants her to do, which at this point looks like a reconciliation with the ex. So I also know that she loves me and wants me but can't have me, and that somehow makes it all harder. It is just so hard to see her, even for those few minutes, because I love her so.

Does anyone have any experience in this that they can relate to me? How to have no contact when it seems impossible, or how to not let the sight of her for just those minutes not break me up inside? Any tricks I could use there?

I wish all those on this site going through the pain I am the best, and send my hopes for peace in your lives. It is awful, the pain we are all experiencing, but in the end, we will emerge stronger and better for it. God bless.

[ydubel]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

 

First, is there any way you could have another family member or friend do the drop off/pick up? Perhaps you could have the kids work out the details of time or at least pass on the communications? Where there's a will there's a way. Find it.

 

Second, you have to stop focusing on the pain and regrets. Use this new found free time for self improvement, self discovery, etc. Am I mistaken or was this woman not actually divorced? How long into the relationship did you realize this? Was it addressed at that time? Why did you continue in it?

 

Remember love is what you do not what you say. Saying I love you is easy, but actually following through wholeheartedly is considerably harder.

Start working on giving yourself the love you wanted from her and that you were prepared to offer. Develop aspects of yourself that are currently weak.

 

Often I have found that we seek in others what we think we lack in ourselves. When they leave we can see our chances of having that quality taken with them. That is an illusion, not the truth.

 

Discover and explode your potential don't waste it with regrets. Your life can be better than ever (even without her) and you can make it happen. "You Can If You Think You Can" --Vincent Pearle

 

Be well.

Y. Dubel

[Hopingpraying]

Auburn,

 

I really feel for what your are going through and can relate pretty well. I am going through a seperation with my wife, and we have a daughter. So I started a modified version of no-contact, and I can't say it has been easy. For the most part I had to suck it up and be strong for myself, and even though my stomach was in knots for many months I had to do it for my daughter, and to keep my sanity.

Basically what I mean by modified version of no-contact is while I still called every night to talk with my daughter, when I spoke with my wife I did not discuss anything about us, about how I still loved her, longed for her, and wanted for us to be a family again. I had tried that over and over and I can tell you that it didn't work. I know now after reading so many similar stories on this site that you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, so I started focusing on myself and my daughter. Focus your energy there and you cannot go wrong. You owe it to yourself after what you have been through.

Right now you have this tight feeling in your chest you probably think will never go away, but it will. I promise that. Know that each day you wake up you and you alone decide whether you are going to have a good day or a bad day. We decide that in every decision we make. When someone cuts you off, you decide how you react to that situation. Whether your going to spike your blood pressure, or just let it go.

 

I am getting a bit off topic here, but it is all related. You make yourself who you are, not anyone else. It is tough right now, but you will be stronger for this.

 

I am actually doing pretty well now. It has been about five months since my wife moved out. I was in sad shape in the begininng. I decided I could either be a worthless piece of crap, or be there for my daughter. I decided to be there for my daughter and myself. I am now in the best shape since I played football in highschool, working out, moutain biking, playing gold, and spending quality time with my daughter. I even started going to church, which if you don't currently I seriously reccomend it. It has helped me a lot.

 

Good Luck Auburn. Feel free to vent here anytime.

[ydubel]

Congratulations!

I smile every time I read a posts like that. I think it is so inspiring.

 

Since so much attention is given to suffering I think it is essential to give, at least equal, attention to the successes and accomplishments.

 

The older you get the more you see the accomplishment in just being here. Its not easy and to do it with some hint of grace and joy is worthy of celebration.

 

Keep up the good work. On the not so great days, take strength in what you have accomplished up until this point. And never forget that you once thought it impossible to be where you are...how much better can your life be?

 

Be well.

Y. Dubel

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I can imagine how it makes you feel.

 

Here is something simple you can do: Your kids are 12, right? Let them do the work. They want to get together? Let them get in touch with each other when they want to. Call each other and arrange the times.

 

Imagine your son having a chat on the phone with his friend: "hey, Dad, is it okay if he comes here this evening 6pm?".

 

If you have to drive to her place, drop your son and let him walk to the door alone. Stay in the car, wave him good bye and go.

 

Let them take care of it. They are grown enough to arrange it themselves.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck with that

 

vitalcoach

[auburnslp]

thanks vitalcoach...your advice always makes sense. The funny thing is, I have been doing that from my end. All of what you say. I have my son call, and when I drop off, I sit in the car and go. But it is not reciprocated. This morning the ex called, asked if her son could play over here while she was at work, and then when dropping him off, came in to discuss the plans. And here's the thing-I know she is not over me either, but she has moved on. So for her, this is not nearly as difficult as it is to me. And I can answer that problem myself, that I need to be direct and tell her that it is not healthy for me to see her right now, and to allow me the time to heal. You see, I have no hope of even a friends relationship with her long term. When she marries her ex husband, which I predict will be in 6 months or less, he is rightfully not going to want me to be any part of her life. Not even as friends, because I am sure he knows how special our relationship was. So why bother at all? Even if I could get to the point where I have moved on, there is going to be nothing at all between us eventually, not even friendship. I know what I need to do I guess, and that is to be direct and just tell her these things. I am a rock solid kind of guy, but right now, that is so tough. I will work to build that courage, and just do it. Thanks for your reply-God bless...Michael

[vitalcoaching]

You're welcome.

 

I think the way you handle your sitaution shows lots of courage. You have clarity with what you want and where you go.

 

Tell her. I mean invite her for a drink one day and tell her these things. That you need the space, that you need her son to contact yours and that you don't really want to interact with her. I am sure she would understand and accept your new boundaries.

 

take care and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach