An unusual situation of intense proportions...still dealing with trying to figure out what to do

[ohnohedidnt]

So, I spoke about my case here before, but I want to break it down quickly just to get a quick tip overall.

 

Met an amazing guy 5 months ago. It was an instant CRAZY chemistry connection BOOM!Out of this world, for both of us, and we moved things pretty fast.We are pretty compatible as well, more then less, but some things got in the way of this thing working out.

He broke up with his ex a month and a half prior meeting me(which came into play later) but we became official right away because it felt right for both sides, he persued. I didn't know the intensity of previous relationship but it didn't seem as he was just rebounding, it was too intense and he was very involved. Despite me living in a different city (he lives in my hometown) we were able to see each other most of the time for the first month. He suffers from mixed anxiety depression. His father died last year (during the time he was dating his ex and I just found out by accident that his father has committed suicide).At the beginning of february his condition started to worsen especially since he became more open about the fact that despite him breaking it up with his ex, he didnt see her for months and never got a closure,due to her thinking he cheated on her and whatnot, which he didnt which really bothered him since he is the type that doesnt like rumors going about him or overall having a spotlight on his situation.He thought she was "the one" even though their relationship was very much turbulent and he wasn't getting a lot of attention nor trust. I assume the survival of their relationship has a lot to do with the death of his dad and her being there to support him and whatnot.As we became more intense and came back to his hometown things got deeper and we definitely grew closer.But as I left he started freaking out, because I wasn't there and his depressions started getting worse.He pretty much pulled away from me as he was supposed to come to visit me for valentines (a week in from not seeing eachother), because panic attacks started and whatnot, and overall rebound/guilt of not being ready. he still showed up with a thoughtful personal gift and that was the last time we were officially intimate together. he made a decision he will be celibate for the time being and started going to a shrink (thanks to my push). needless to say i was left stunned and overall devastated. he recognized the fact that we had a strong connection with bad timing and that it wasnt fair of him to get into anything if he wasnt 100 percent clean from the past. eventually, he saw his ex for an hour, got his closure, and he started his "healing" process just a bit after he broke up with me.we stayed in constant contact till this day, with our relationship still being weird and not normal of course, because friendship is kinda not really possible. NC is not an option for the time being.

i came often to visit my hometown, last time it was an emotional disaster where I couldnt break away and i couldnt grasp the fact that he just switched his emotions. it was just a month after the breakup so I was on cray cray mode.We saw eachother daily and there was some intimate contact (not sexual) but it was mostly "why dont u want me/i dont understand this * * * * " drama cry fest. we still had some good times but it definitely was an unreal situation we both couldnt really balance out because NEITHER one of us wanted to cut the contact or leave.

he constantly says he is not ready and he is afraid of loving or being in a relationship and that he wants to be alone. which is fine, but he is still a crucial part of my life and he still contacts me, buys me gifts, worries about me and my well-being being stuck in this limbo with him.a month passed after my last visit and he got a bit bitter because i started pushing (when you are losing you start grabbing...i know i know), but we were always able to calm the situation down and just chill out. I came to visit couple of days ago. he saw me everyday, calls and we were able to talk about the situation as adults. he is afraid i will end up like him, hurt and broken and that he is not ready to give himself to anyone because he doesnt even love himself. he knows my feelings for him and i have been pretty honest and vocal, especially since i dont change my manners towards him.i treat him the way i treat people i love. only thing he just cant do is touch me or look at me. he is like a frozen man to an extent. i ask him even on a jokey friendly level - do u find me attractive, he refuses to respond. any question that gives away any level of his emotion towards a female he is not putting out in the open, due to him being rather burnt in the past and overall on shaky grounds.i know we are not even "normal" friends because he cant even make sexual jokes or just stupid jokes about boobs or anything that has to do with anything sexual or physical with either one of us, because he just shuts down. If he was not wanting me in his life he would be loooong gone by now, but I know I hold a space there since he did say that I did leave my mark on him...

I just dunno what to do. We did have an adult convo about our situation, and he still says he just cant and that it is the truth that we werent given a real chance, but I really REALLY care a lot about this man. And I know he cares about me, because why would anyone bother for 5 months with daily communication, bothering, emotional drama and overall rollacoaster if there wasn't something there?The tension has been taken down a notch in comparison of last month with this last visit, but he is still pretty set in the fact that he is just not ready and god knows if he will ever be.

I started meeting other people and he knows it, he isnt meeting anyone, he says that I will be happy with someone, that he wants me to be happy because he doesnt think he can make anyone happy, but I really REALLY havent met a guy like this EVER in my life and I doubt I will because he was just wonderful. He treated me with respect and great care right from the start and its rather unfortunate things had to play out this way, given our crazy chemistry '(which he says scared him) and compatibility.

just to put it in perspective...he said that if he ever got to the point with a woman the way he got with his ex (the level of seriousness) and if that just broke apart again, that he probably wouldnt survive...like he would go out and just end it.

 

I just don't know what to do.... One part of me is saying - he will never be with you again, the other part is saying - if he didnt care he wouldnt be here for the last 5 months still making some effort even if marginal, another part is saying - just wait until another girl just totally changes him, and then last part is wondering - will therapy and time and just me being caring going to make this man feel more secure about giving love another chance.....

 

it is a tricky situation given all this info. overall, his current state is clear - he wants to be single for the time being which is understandable given the intensity of his last year...but where does that leave me? what to do when the problem isn't necessarily you or lack of attraction? i am currently in my hometown and we have been seeing each other every day despite his busy schedule...

 

we are in mid/end 20s.

 

uff...thanx guys

[Ebrithil]

Hey well it sounds to me that he is hurt and you needs to just find that security in himself to feel safe outside a relationship before he can feel safe in one. I know what its like to have a broken heart as Im sure many do and you do question if you went through it again would you want to?

All you can and should do is be the best friend you can for him, while he suffers be his rock, when he needs support you provide it, when he needs somthing encoragment, a sholder, a rant provide a safe place for him and he will fix, dont let him rely on you help him to help himself. If you mother him he will always be insicure but if you help him onto his own two feet he will respect you and it will show in a good way.

If and when he is ready and wants to get into a relationship with you then go for it if your still single at the time, but if a really good friendship is the most you are going to get out of it, it is still better than nothing and chances are its going to be better than alot of other peoples relationships are.

You shouldnt waite for him keep your options open but always be there for him, friends are just as important as any relationship and its friends who hold us up when everything else colapses around.

[ohnohedidnt]

thanks for the response, I agree and I told him I want to be there for him, but he is worried I will get hurt or end up like him if I give so much of myself (but that's how I am, I care). I would be ok with being his support and his friend, but our friendship is rather strained given the fact that we were romantically connected and he is SERIOUSLY frozen around me, like barely can look at me or touch me almost as if he is afraid of me or physical contact, which makes overall friendship vibe kinda - not possible. like a big pink elephant in the room, you know?

[Ebrithil]

I know sometimes you have to take a step back and think ok right we are just friends I cant ask him to comment about my appearance or make sexual inuendoes, respond to his body language his sense of humour at the time ect live in that moment.

It is hard to care about somone so much and think that maybe they dont care about you the same way I know the feeling to well but some times we have to be the symobol of strength and be unbreakable for them.

You can think of it in another light, this is a fresh start your relationship started straight away you missed out on the little things like the shy nudges and testing of each other now you get to do that. Help him by having fun with him, go out play pool and make a very relaxed compotition, watch a film sit in a pub visit places together as friends build on that bond and see if it takes you back to a relationship or if really you are better as friends.

I know its hard but it can be fun you can enjoy it.