Awakening43 Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 Hello, this is my first post so I am sorry if I ramble - I will try to keep on point and would greatly appreciate any opinions on my situation. Thanks in advance. I am in my late 30s with two kids and a wife three years my senior. We have a great home, great kids, everyone thinks it is perfect except for me. After our first child, things started to go south. My wife (perhaps understandably) became all about the baby. Instead of sleeping with me, she'd sleep with the baby. Instead of dates with me, she'd take the baby and show him off to her friends. Instead of discussions with me about fun things, everything was all about the baby. This lasted well beyond what I would imagine normal time - about 3 years. My wife approached me for a second child. I said no, our relationship was too far off to try that. But she persisted, pointing out that her age was a factor on the health of the next baby if we wait too long. We made a deal - if I gave her the second boy, we would eliminate all the baby-centric focus this time around, work on our life together a bit more, she'd work on losing her baby weight, etc. I am overly trusting and apparently pretty naive so in my mind, case was settled, everyone wins. We had our second son. Very little of our agreement from her end came to life. She ignored her weight issues, she continued sleeping with the boys (oldest is 6 at this point), and at this point was rejecting me constantly for sex. I long since stopped initiating years ago and would only have routine sex focused mainly on her when she would approach, which was about 1-2 times per month. Now, long story short, I would later find out that because of my past as an abused child - much of which I blotted out - I had become entirely co-dependent on her and enabled much of her behavior to me. (This is what I learned when I checked in for counseling.) In other words, this is a 50/50 thing, I do not blame her. I got a dose of self esteem and lost a lot of weight. What a wonderful feeling this was. I begged my wife, who was now approx. 100 pounds overweight, to join me. She found infinite excuses not to join me on this healthy journey. I asked her to go to MC with me. She accepted and we have learned a bit about each other. She is a workaholic, and my counselor believes she is emotionally unavailable and/or depressed. Who knows, I guess, and lord knows I have my issues too. It is like I am an ocean of thoughts and feelings, and she is comfortable to be a shallow pool in this area - so hard to connect - and in my counselor's words, very opposite from most male/female relationships. We do everything separate since I can't convince her of the importance of date nights. I noticed myself talking too deeply with other women, so I stopped going out. (I am an INFJ personality type so I tend to have deep bonding conversations with whoever I spend enough time with.) Took up an on-line activity and now think I am in an emotional affair. Enough is enough, I thought, and I asked for a separation. This was not healthy for either of us and I do not want to hurt my wife. She begged me to stay. She started jogging twice a week which for her is pretty much She has been trying to initiate sex more often. And now, after all these years, I finally have her at the table, so to speak... and I'm completely ambivalent. I haven't been able to get the attraction back to her, and our interests are so opposite. She wants to do volunteer work as a family, I want to lessen the workload and play soccer out back with my boy. She's my best friend and I care for her deeply. It seems like the right play would be to end my EA, and just sit at home and hope she sorts out her issues so that we can get our connection back. But it's so frustrating to have needs, and the only one I can morally get these needs met with is unavailable. I don't think my needs are unreasonable. I need to want to touch my wife and feel like she wants me to touch her too. I need to feel like we can talk about something other than work or responsibilities. I need to feel safe initiating with her. Argh, help, thanks for reading. Link to comment
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