Almost 3 months after breakup - pain stays the same

[Pebek]

My ex-girlfiend of almost 5 years broke up with me on 19 March. The pain is still the same. What can I do to move on? We started dating when she was 19 and I was 35. She was just out of the high school I teach at. I nvever taught her, though, except private coaching for a year. Everything was fantastic. We spent 2 weeks at the seaside last summer, no arguments, no nothing at all. The sex was great throughout the relationship. We were planning to spend the rest of our lives together after she graduated from university, which will be next year. I never pushed her into marriage or anything, we just talked some, that's it. In mid-March this year she just out of the blue said she needed time and asked me not to call her. The weekend we were going to spend together as usual she just went to visit her best friend. When I called her she said she wanted to spend this coming summer with her friend Sylvia, not me as we had planned earlier to spend 3 weeks at the seaside. I was shocked. We met 2 days later and when I asked her if we were going to see each other as before, crying she just nodded 'no'. She didn't tell me to my face she didn't love me anymore. Neither had she told me she loved me before. I've been doing NC for almost 3 months now. I guess I still love her. It was so good when we were together. We used to end each other's sentences. When she was breaking up with me, she told me it had all been coming for a year or so. I don't seem to understand because we were planning 3 weeks at the seaside this coming summer, and if she was telling the truth about the decision maturing for a year, she must have been pretending to be happy with me last summer. I didn't see it coming. I feel cheated and hurt. Maybe it's the age gap. The last time I saw her, on the 22 March she told me she wasn't sure if she was making the right decision but she decided to change her life.

Please tell me if I should call her, text her or anything. I can't seem to be able to get my life back together again.

[DealingWithIt]

Hello

 

I'm sorry for the pain your feeling. The big gap in your age is certainly why you guys broke up. She was only 19 when you guys started going out, and she's still growing and maturing and in the end, she ended up growing up without you.

 

Give her the space she wanted and needed from you. In the meantime, try and occupy yourself with something else. Trying to keep on hanging on to her will do nothing but annoy her.

 

Good luck

[Pebek]

Thanx for the kind words. I just can't accept what's happened. On the 13 of March she bought some new clothes when she was in Lublin. Then she SMSed me saying that I was gonna have sth new to take off her. That was Saturday evening. Then on Sunday I picked her up at the station as usual and we drove to my place where she put the new clothes on. We had some clean fun, that's all. Then I drove her home. On Monday, 15 March, she came by in the evening and again we just hugged and cuddled on my bed after work. Then came the fateful 19 March when she dropped the bomb about not being able to live the way I wanted to, that she would never be able to give me the kind of home I'm used to. All this in the space of just one week!!!! It just cut me like a knife. I was aware of the age gap and differences in upbringing but I never thought that after all those years she'd just turn away and walk out on me.

Please do write to me. I need that.

[Ladee-Jennifer]

i hope your pain does heal.........you gave her your heart and instead of keeping it she gave it back.......but most importantly stay strong and keep no contact.its makes it easier...i really do hop you feel better.best wishes

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Dont give me your heart and take it away because love is forever and not for a day......-personal quote

[Mun]

Hello there, If it has been 3 months and she has not contacted you AT ALL, my best advice is for you to continue with your life. Go out, try to meet new people.

 

She is very young and might feel that she is giving up alot by going the long haul with you. She may or may not come back sometime, but for now you have to go on for yourself. Don't wait for her. That's very hard to do but if she has taken you out of her life--what else is there?

 

Be strong. Love might be around the corner.

[Pebek]

Thank you all ppl for the words of consolation. It really helps me to read your comments. The pain is awful. I know it'll pass one day but I don't have the luxury of time no more. It's been the longest and most important relationship in my life. That's what makes it so hard for me to recover. I know I'll survive but I just don't know yet what it takes to let her go. The memories are everywhere. The city I live in isn't very big, about 50,000 ppl. There's almost no place we haven't been together. It hurts so much to even take a walk to the nearest shop to get a bottle of beer...

[Val_76]

Hello, I want to say I'm sorry to hear of your pain, its one of the worst kind of pain one can go through.

 

I went through something similar, I didn't have the age gap in the picture but some other kind of gaps existed. You end up being alone without understanding why and what you did wrong asking yourself what you could have done to change how it happened. You feel guilty of something you can't really grasp and since you're not the one that came with a term to the relationship you're the one trying to convince yourself it really happened.

 

To relate to what happened to me I'll make a long story short: She left me saying she needed a break. No news for 4 months, I called her and she told me she just met someone else and she tough she told me it was clear we breaked up. We weren't meant to be together, way too many differences between us, even if we felt really good with each other. Eventually I would have seen it but she did before me and didn't find the courage to tell it to me at the moment because she liked me way to much to hurt me like that. It ended up being worst for me tough, but hell is paved with good intentions. Took me 18 months to get over it and start feeling better about myself.

 

Try not to wait for her. The pain will go away sooner or later, maybe not tomorrow, but it will go away eventually. As you realize its true, that she won't come back to you (and if she did you wouldn't take her back because such pain (in most case) cannot be forgotten), you will feel a little bit better. You did nothing wrong, she just didn't tell you why she left you because it was too hard for her. How do you say to a real good guy you can't see yourself with him in 10 years? chances are that she just couldn't.

 

Time heal but 3 month is such a short time to heal from something like this. Hang on.

[Pebek]

Thanx for the post. Sorry to hear it took you over a year to get over the pain. I know 3 months is a short period of time especially compared to the 4 1/2 years we spent together. I feel cheated because she said the decision had been maturing for a year, which roughly means that when we were having fun at the seaside last July and later planning our next vacation she knew she was going to 'change her life'. She even passed out at work in late February this year. She said it was all because of this. It was only when she was breaking up with me that she told me she had seen a psychologist once or twice in November last year. As she said she did it to be able to be with me and he told her to tell me about it. Why didn't she tell me? I guess I'll never find out. Now I'm doing NC. It's extremely tough. The last time I texted her was on 30 April. No reply, no nothing. It's getting better, but the process is so slow. For the time being I can't see myself dating anyone, not even thinking of going out with another girl. I'm simply burned out.

[Val_76]

Well dating someone else shouldn't be your priority right now. You should heal the wound she left in your heart or your will make your next gf suffer from the loss of this one and thats more pain in store.

 

You know maybe she tough about leaving you for a year, but I'm sure it wasn't planning she did, she was asking herself if she could leave a life with you or not and was making herself sick over it. That was love if you ask me. Keep the good memories you have of her and don't ask yourself if she was happy with you at that time, I'm sure she was. It does not really matter if she had doubts, because that all there was at this moment. Do you tell the loved one all the doubt you feel about them? no you don't want to hurt them. What good does it make to say: I don't know if I want to stay with you my entire life... You keep that for yourself until you're sure, just in case you're wrong in your impression. She was slow to come to a conclusion thats all and it took her strengh she didn't had to leave you.

 

It will take time. You will come back over it a thousand times. I still think of my ex from time to time after 6 years. A deep cut is just that: deep. Sometimes I wish I could thank her for all the suffering I endured because of her taugh me about relationship and love. I am now happily engaged to a wonderfull women and we have a daughter together. All the things my ex taugh me when she left me just help me today in my present relationship.

 

Life have a way to make us learn to hard way only to make us feel lucky for everything good it have in store for us.

[buckbergson]

Me and my girl were madly in love when she totally blindsided me and said that she needed space....we were planning on getting married this summer...and of course i was devistated...its only been a month..but i can tell you the best thing you can do is not talk to her....i know its easier said that done, but its true...either one of two things will happen this way: 1) she will realize that she made a mistake or 2) she will be happier doing what she is doing and why would you want to be with someone who is happy being with you....i know it may be hard to stomach but its the truth....just remember that there are lots of us going what you are going through and that the pain will get easier...what i do is listen to some good music...its makes me feel a lot better.....theres a reason that there are so many loves songs that were written......good luck man and stay strong.

[Pebek]

To Val_76

 

It can't have been true love on her part. I know she was happy when we were together. Did she really need almost 5 years to find out whether she wanted to be with me or not? I must have been the age gap. W are at different points in our lives. I know what I want in life. She is very young and wants to see what else is out there. As she said, 'Maybe it's the worst decision in my life, but I want to try.' That almost killed me. I felt betrayed. All we built over the years came tumbling down on my head in one second. Just like that she put all we had in a trashcan.

I know I have to be strong, but she is literally everywhere. It seems to me there's no place for me to hide. I've wanted to pick up that phone a thousand times...

[Val_76]

Well I'm sure she's not your first ex even if she seems to be the one that you have the most trouble getting over with. I'm also sure that if she stayed that long with you it was because she loved you a lot even if she was thinking about your age gap. That does seem to be the problem. Some people don't care about it and some other are afraid to make a mistake with dating someone older than them. Maybe she had pressure from around her (you know how's society those days), maybe she was scared, like a lot of young women, to get engaged so soon so fast with a men older than her who was ready for something she was not (marriage, kids maybe?).

 

How can you stay with someone 5 years without loving him. I know I couldn't. Its not like you were married and had kids, nothing really forced her to stay. If you think she was happy when you were together then she was. Don't forget the good memories because you're sinking.

 

The only real way I found to finally put an end to the suffering was to get angry at my ex. I couldn't stand seeing her in my mind so pure and so beautifull, so happy without me. The way I saw her in my mind in the end wasn't how she really was, it was an image I built of her, a perfect image of something out of reach. I tried to remember why we split then I got angry at her. She wasn't in my face so it didn't really matter except I started thinking about her less often and when I did it was less painfull.

 

I still have photograph of her and me and when I look at them I see a happy girl with an happy guy. I see 2 person in love. I read some cards she wrote me where she tells me how much she loved me, etc. and I know it was true at this moment. That takes out some of the pain of being dumped.

 

She might come back to you someday, but if ever she does then she won't come back to the same men she left because all of this will change you and make you stronger and she won't be the same women, she will be more mature, she will see how hard it is to find someone that care and that don't have serious life issues. Good guys are not legions and most of them are already taken. Don't hope for her return. Heal yourself. Try to see her differently than you are seeing her now. Maybe she doesn't really deserve so much love from your part if she can leave you like that.

 

Don't run away from the pain. The sooner you'll accept it, the sooner you will feel better. Try to immerse yourself in something that make you stop thinking for a while. Sport is a good thing, computers is another one

[Pebek]

Nice reading another post from you. Your right, she wasn't my first ex. I had been in a shorter relationship before but this one's been the most important. It's true that I'm on a roller-coaster of emotions, and anger is one of them. I've found out it really helps to get angry at your ex. Maybe she did love me. We had so many good times. I have lots of photos of us together being happy, having fun. Some were taken at the very start of the relationship and there's a whole album from last summer at the seaside. She's got the album at her place. We were going to go thru it before this years vacation.... I have the negatives. There's also a box full of letters I got when we were the happiest couple in the world. It's way too early for me to even think about looking at the photos or reading the letters. The pain is exquisite if I may say so. I'm not running away from it, but the fact that she may really have loved me is making it ever so harder to heal the wound in my heart. I guess I might take her back if she came back today, this month, maybe this year. But I dunno how I'm gonna feel later down the line. Maybe she's not worth the tears I've cried?It's just that it's so hard to accept the fact that she's changed so much and now we're worlds apart. There are times I miss her so much I'm wishing I could die. It may be stupid but since you've been there u know what I'm talking about.

[Val_76]

I understand how strange you must feel right now. You're now in a world you didn't knew existed only 3 months ago. You feel thing you couldn't imagine feeling while you were in love.

 

I remember writing a journal right after I realized my ex wouldn't come back to me and that she was as lost to me as if she was dead. I put in it everything I tough and felt at that time, I used it to tell my ex all the thing I couldn't tell her because she wasn't available anymore to listen to me. Angriness, sadness, when I read it back today I see through the eyes I had at that time, the ones you have right now. A world so dark and so bright at the same time, seeing things through the eyes of pain and yet feeling so alive. Its not every day you feel every heart beat you make. I remember feeling really light and euphoric at times, totally free, and then the minut after I couldn't catch my breath and felt so much pain on my chest I just couldn't breathe. This was 4 month after the break up. You're 3 month in it and you're already further than I was in your healing process.

 

There is no way you can fight those feelings, there is no way you can escape them. They are part of the process of being rejected. What I know now I didn't know when I was still green in the heart breaking business is that this was for the best and it have an end even if you don't see it. You will find someone else even if she comes back and you will feel in love again and it will be different from that time.

 

You must be a really good person if she gave one year of tough to your couple and felt the need to consult someone because she wasn't getting sick just thinking about leaving you. You are worth it. The sum of her fears won the challenge tho, but what can a men do against a young women fears of the future? Nothing in my opinion.

[tinelli88]

Well, my friend, your situation sort of stinks. Here is what you HAVE to remember. Break ups happen ALL of the time. Five, ten, fifteen, or even one year relationships just don't work out. I think the biggest thing you may be contending with is the reason. I, too, had what seemed like a wonderful thing going for, roughly, five years end on a rather quick note. To the unsuspecting, or voluntarily blind, it is always a quck note. I can imagine that you are probably thinking that your being older is the main reason. This can't feel good. Here is the truth though; if you were younger than her by one year she would still feel the same. It is not you in this situation it is her need to do what she wants to do. The thing that worries me about what you are doing, as I did the same thing, is that you are going over and over and over and over again what happened. You can not imerse yourself in the what could have been, as you seem to continue to look towards the summer trip you missed. You also, and I fail to see why this is so questioned still, can not, under any circumstances contact her. In fact, AVOID contact with her. She has made a very conscious choice. It has taken her a long time and a lot of effort to make this choice, but it was made. You can not let the comment of her saying she may be making a mistake operate in the forefront of your mind. There are certain people who push all of the thoughts and feelings away only to end up in serious pain. Then, there are those, like yourself, that stew in the blinding agony of thier predicament. You must strive to push out the good thoughts for now. You brought up a good point about getting angry. You should allow yourself to get angry at the things that were done. You gave all that you could and for what? I will have to detract from what others have said and tell you that I don't think it is all that wonderful for a person to let a mate go on thinking, for a whole year, that there was nothing wrong when there was. Why did this not come up? For it only to come up in a quick bang is not worthy of the four years you spent of hapiness. If there was a problem then she should have talked to you about it no? The challenge here is to keep this in context. Your life does not end with this passing. Five years are enought to get into a certain habbit but a sensitive and commited guy like yourself needs someone who will want to stick it out. She didn't-this may sound a bit rough but the rough fact is that love ends. The problem is that those of us, who have not ended it, tend to forget the things we saw before and focus on why it shouldn't end.

[Val_76]

Every one is entitled to his opinion. I for myself think that you can't be in the other half head of your couple all the time and I don't think either that one should voice out all of its concern about the relationship because I'm sure not even half of them are not founded and can hurt the other one in a way that's not needed. What difference does it make if you know that the other person was thinking about leaving you one year ago? That would have been a crappy year. Getting angry does not mean being bitter about the relationship and even if the ending s**k it does not mean it was all bad. Would you give hell to someone you care about for a full year before leaving them? I guess not, unless you want them to make the move in your place.

 

Going over things is a way to swallow them and finally get over it. What are 5 years of happiness? Well its 5 years where you're happy. Are they for nothing? Really they are not, or this life will not be worth leaving. Go over it, understand it, swallow it, forget about it. That's what most of us do. How do you recover from such a break up? You never really recover I say, but what you can learn about yourself when going through something like this is amazing. Sometimes it just takes longer than you tough it would. This all thing is not about being the strongest possible IMO, its about getting out of it in one piece and with some heart left, just in case someone else is waiting for us down the road.

[tinelli88]

No, your point that people, almost all, have a tendency to wonder if they are staying when they should be leaving is dead on. It really is. I don't think there is a realationship that does not have these feelings by, at least, one person. Where I take issue with her actions is in the fact that this was not just a quick choice. She had gone to see someone about the problems, she had agonized over it, she had sweat over this. Why didn't he know? I think, frankly, that that is crap. You mention slight thoughts of doubt, this is not that. She was going through hurdles to figure it out and he should have been made aware of this fact. Just because it is easier for her to leave him in the dark, say, in case she changes her mind???, does not mean it is the honorable thing to do. No, in, fact, that would have been to tell him "these are my problems and this is what I am dealing with". That is what separates a, and I am sorry here, mature relationship from one with no future. And by this I mean that if both people are not willing to engage the problems and confront the issues than what they are doing will die. It may be slow or it may be fast but if both won't look at the "real" issues they are worried about WITH thier mate then forget it.

[Mun]

It is comforting to see men that care so much about their relationships. I think that you all will be just fine. Hang in there and be strong... you have the thing that makes you GREAT.

 

Sometimes we women don't know what we have until it's gone-or until we meet up with some bozo that doesn't treat us half as good as the last guy. This we learn with time. but it is a hard lesson... and then we remember and think about that wonderful man that loves us so much and we just threw it away...by then HE is gone or has moved on.

 

You will come out of this and you will be stronger. You will have a sense of what you really want and expect in the future.

 

 

Love

[Pebek]

Sorry for replying so late but I just got back from work.Thank you all ppl for your comments. You dont realize how helpful you've been. I agree with each of you to a certain extent. She should've talked to me about her problems with the relationship instead just saying that 'life is bringing me down, I gotta change sth in my life, don't worry, it's not you etc.'. Then everything came back to normal and she was mine as usual. It was selfish of her not to tell me about her fears. She acted like she was the only person on earth. You should try to live your life in such a way that nobody gets hurt because of what you do. I know it's not always possible, but you should at least try. She didn't. The problems of the relationship were also my problems because I was part of the deal. That's why it hurt so much to hear it had all been brewing for a year. About not recovering-you can recover completely like I did from a previous relatioship. It took me a few years but I'm friends with the woman now. We don't see each other very often but when we do it's just plain friendly talk.

This is different because we were together pretty long and had plans for the future. I've been doing NC and although it hurts like hell I'm not going to yield to the pain.